Swimming

I walked through the door after my hour long commute, the closets were done, minus the doors, but hey it's progress. The room was otherwise undisturbed, the place looked ransacked, nowhere near neat and clean, so much for tiny and tidy.
My mother was hollering in the back yard, I stepped into the porch to find her giving Michael swimming classes.
Why would a grown woman jump into a pool fully clothed? This woman does not believe in bathing suits.
"Float, just like I showed you." She commanded.
He caught a glimpse of me out of the corner of his eyes and went into "mommy-is-here" mode. He splashed and kicked as she held him.
"That's not what I taught you." She looked up at me, "Your father wants me to give him swimming classes for an hour each day." As far as I know she wasn't a YMCA employee, classes and training and teaching and discipline where not her forte.
I sat on the swinging chair and watched him emerge from the pool. He was wearing a diaper, holding about 2 gallons of pool water with a cascade of water freely flowing down the back of his legs with each step.
"Mom, he has the Donald Duck ass!" The diaper bounced up and down giving him momentum towards me, he rushed to me and jumped into my arms, work clothes now drenched.
"Mom, you are wearing clothes." I asked, curious about why.
"By the time I go in, change, and get ready for the pool I just don't want to get in, so I just get in when I feel like it. Why?"
"No reason." Common sense, right? I lack it in this house, the sense running around here commonly was not the sense of sensible people in the real world, but living on Ronald McDonald's Retirement Center, I was voted out, 5 to 1.
I walked into the porch and grabbed the Swimmers diapers, my child needed to change before the pool turned into a cotton picking session, that diaper was ready to blow, and I was not about to go cotton picking.
Mike jumped back in the pool, my mom was in the middle of the shallow area, he was on the steps and glided like a swan to her, missing his mark by a foot, swimming like a rock, she grabbed him, he coughed, I waited for a naked boy to diaper.
She took off his diaper, "Ay shit!"
"What do you mean "Ay shit?" I stared at her as she held the diaper, now resembling a fluffy white pillow.
"He pooped!" She began scooping out dime sized balls from the pool to his diaper. I stood up, probably with my mouth wide open. The streaker ran around the pool, he was at the other end now with his toys, I dropped the swimming diaper and stood by my mother.
I pointed to the bottom of the pool.
"No, that's nothing." Said the blind woman.
"Look at it mom, it's poop. Look."
"No, poop floats, doesn't it. That can't be poop."
(Forehead slam against wall)
"Look around, do you think we are in a toilet. Of course it's poop. Hurry up, it's rolling that way." I pointed towards the deep middle part of the pool. "And I'm not getting in." I did a stand still jump, trying to show her I was wearing work clothes.
She hesitated, she didn't want to do it, I ran for the net used to take out leaves and bugs. I handed it to her.
Mike jumped in, yes I repeat, Mike jumped into the fucking pool, on the other fucking side, and I knew that my mother would never make it to that side. I ran and jumped into the other end of the pool, heels and all. That mother instinct does not play, you have no time to think at all. I grabbed him and sat him on the steps, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" I yelled at him, not knowing who to clobber at this point. I would have preferred picking cotton.
"I sorry mama!" My heart melted. How do they do that!

Moving

I have moved in with my parents, not just me, my husband, the kids and the mother in law, too. Three households consolidated into one. We all packed and moved to the country. Maybe not exactly the country, but a house on five acres of land.
The house is kind of Brady Bunch, but with nursing home residents.
It's a nice house, 80's style and an efficiency on the side, which is where I reside with my husband and the two little ones. The main house is where my oldest, my mother in law, and my parents live. I try to stay away and leave them be.
As time goes by I am realizing that I have just moved into a commune, minus David Koresh and plus the creed "Honor thy father, pray for thy mother."
My dad calls the shots, even in my room. We all had to be out of our houses by the first of the month, and that gave me exactly 2 days to pack it and go. I have lost my toothbrush, pillow cases, and the screws to my bed, I am sleeping on the mattress on the floor for the time being, the kids snug in the middle. Yes, a king bed accommodates us all.
We have a pool that is confusing, how could both ends be shallow and then a six foot dip in the middle? Our backyard resembles Grand Central Park, the house is small, the backyard is gigantic, the house even came with a golf cart to ride around the property. Mike has daily tours in the morning and afternoon.
The mosquitoes feed on us like a Chinese buffet just served with crab legs.
I drive an hour from work now, to and from, and play Pandora the entire way.
Once a day I break something and every night I have a glass of Moscato. The days are long, the work is endless.
I am still living out of boxes and waiting for my closets to get assembled, we purchased them from Ikea, so assembly is required. My husband is putting them together, they should self distruct in about a month.
I am back on my writing bug, and am trying to establish a nightly schedule for the blog alone, then when I can write away and work on my unfinished work in progress.
All in all, it's gorgeous. I enjoy sitting outside immensely.
I sit outside on my laptop and my mother sits next to me, she mimics the night sounds, she has tried to talk to crickets, owls and whatever other nocturnal creature that makes it impossible for me to concentrate. I stare at her and wait for the communication to end, it's like listening to whales gossip.
She sees me typing, but just like when I am on the phone, they just don't see it.
I have learned that my mother believes that me drinking Monster energy drinks scare her, she believes that I may kill my parents. I think she is confusing Monster with Four Loko. I have invested in a couple of four packs and drink one daily.
This whole moving in has caused us all to re-evaluate the purposes we have in life, the greater reason to live is to annoy each other to the tenth degree.
At the dinner table, my mom sat with a pad of paper, similar to one you would write a love letter on. She stared at instructions to an appliance in Korean and began "Dearest Wany", that's my mother in law, she then proceeded to pick and choose symbols, like the hieroglyphic code Egyptians used, and wrote my mother in law what she called a love letter, using various drawings of these symbols. My mother in law is out at the casino, we are only 15 minutes away now, and when she returns she will have a letter waiting for her on her pillow.
The pamphlet was an instructional on rice cookers.

I must be related to the fat kid in Goonies

For a minute there I thought this iPad was "The Shit!" Then I got comfortable and it went to shit.
Since I haven't blogged, had no laptop, or any real kind of Internet connection except for my phone, and this is only when it wasn't a glorified nanny for my 2 yr old, I have been up researching writing, the characterization, the POV (point of view), plotting methods, you name it, I have looked it up. The one problem I had was those voices, those characters were all me, I was recreating images and scenarios for my own life, there is really no need for imagination with the people I deal with on a daily basis. So I finally decided to go back to blogging, because when I don't write I feel empty. This all started with the iPad gift by my adorable husband, who took the original iPad he gave me and filled it up with nine different Angry Bird apps, sports and fighting jet apps, and a number of absurd apps that Diego added on, as he too was given full reign of my original iPad, as this toy kept them quiet, I did not complain, recently Mike D also jumps on and logs into Netflix to watch Dora and Scooby Doo, also invading my iPad with Pocoyo apps. I was given the original on Feb 12 as an anniversary gift, and maybe spent an hour on it.
Monday I got the new one, I hid it as best I could, determined to not allow it to fill with testosterone based apps. Needless to say, I don't hide things well, on Tues and Wed I came home to Diego on their iPad on the bottom of the bunk bed and Mike on mine under the covers, my mother in law didn't realize there were two, and assumed there was one, both boys playing with it well hidden. (and I though asians were the smart kids in class you could cheat off of)
Last night I decided to start, for the fifth time, to write a manuscript, this time a mommy memoir, not the kind that Jesus saves you and you are all inspirational with butterfly kisses, the kind where the day starts you off looking normal and ends with you looking like a homeless sucking out of the bottle for the last drop.
I talked to Miguel, who ok'd an app purchase and I downloaded it, it didn't appear, this was well after midnight. I went to bed thinking nothing of it. Today I sat in bed, downed a BFC Green Monster and began to think and plot out a memoir. I searched for the app and found it, went to download it and an error message came up "App already purchased", I went to install it and an error message came up "App not available".
I call my Verizon tech guy (my husband) who sits and pushes buttons and gives me that look.
"Don't look at me like that, I didnt do anything!"
"No, it's not you, it took fifty engineers from MIT to put this thing together and you touch it, and look..." He shows me a screen where the battery connection is showing like it's unplugged, "you had nothing to do with this!"
He walks away with the iPad in hand. A two year old and a ten year old, spend countless hours and theirs is working fine, mine takes mere
hours and it's off to be disassembled and put together, alas I get the Frankenstein iPad after all.
I hide under the covers, like Mike, and log on to Facebook, maybe with enoght prayers they could save me. I think of Chunk from Goonies, and realize I am missing the plaid jacket, otherwise we are twins, we eat with joy and break things by just looking at them.
I hear the fridge open and a bottle of pills, I am now pulling out the big guns asking for saints to come together and get the sacred St of Mac to fix the fucking oversized calculator.
Half an hour later, 3 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers, my husband walks in and drops the iPad in bed.
"What did I do? Did you fix it?"
"I can't begin to explain, much less understand what you did. But I had to shut the whole thing down and upload everything from scratch, but your app is in there."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!". ( And a special shout out to the St of Mac)
I open my iPad and there is my writing app, able to bring tears to my eyes, if it weren't placed right between Angry Birds and Angry Birds Rio Editon.
***if any part of this blog is misspelled or not written correctly it's because the iPad will not let me edit blogs once I hit complete***

X Neighbor

If you have ever been by my house, and you probably haven't, but if you have, you would have noticed an older lady in the neighborhood that regularly walks dogs. They are all different dogs, some chi-waw-waws (can you believe I can't spell it) then yorkies, labradors, and even some canines that sit in a stroller. The woman is obsessed with dogs, I imagine she has tons of peanut butter stocked in her pantry. She strolls by, I wave, she waves back, that is the extent of our relationship. Juno and my mother in law have since changed that forever.

My mother in law buys in bulk at the Korean market, kinda like Sam's Club, but with items I don't eat and can't pronounce. Lots of noodles, things that once lived in the ocean, and vegetables foreign to me, roots and worm like foods, she says noodles, I still won't taste them. She came home one day, before picking up the kids from school and daycare, the car loaded with her delicacies, including bottled water, three cases to be exact. She opened up the kitchen and began to unload, naturally Juno sprinted off into the free world.

After unloading and with one case of water left, she closed the hatch of her car, oversized for her sixty pound frame, and held on to the case of water, the dog lady was doing her rounds. My mother in law held the case of water and watched as Juno began to get friendly with the dog that was being walked, butt sniffing had turned into horseplay between the two beasts. The dog lady held on to the leash and was being yanked forward and backwards, Juno doesn't do leashes, so he was free to roam and tease the dog being walked. The dog lady played tug of war and looked to my mother in law, " Help me!". My mother in law unwillingly dropped the case of water and began chasing Juno.

This story is all here say from my mother in law, and my mother. My mother in law could not catch Juno, he ran, dog lady regained her
composure, began to walk and Juno would come back in full force. "Do something with your dog?" dog lady screamed at my mother in law, well that just did it.

"You no see I try, you no see!" My mother in law was furious, she chased him around some more, and was out of breath. Juno took off but came right back. "Get that dog away from me. You aren't doing anything?"

I am sure that the words after that comment were not audible to anyone, just as I am sure she spit and hocked some of the words, because that is just how she curses. My mother in law responded, "You no see me try, you estuping ole lady, you estuping, I no cay if he bite you, I no cay!" And with that she took her water inside and left the dog lady outside to fend for herself. She immediately called my mother, who immediately called me at work.

"Mom, where is Juno now?"

"Oh, I don't know, she left him outside and locked the door. She is mad at him, and won't let him into the house." I cringed and inhaled deeply, wondering if animal control would be knocking at my door or issuing me a ticket for improper free roaming dog. I called my mother in law who cursed at me and told me about the estuping lady, she hoped Juno had rabies and would give the dog lady some doggie style love.

I have since waived to her as she walks by, and I am now an invisible person to her, she won't even look at me, but as long as she is roaming the streets, I know she is safe and hasn't been hacked into some Kim chi in a jar, fermenting in my back yard.

I'm back...kinda

Today I got an iPad, my laptop died and I haven't been able to blog. Writing is like breathing, for me blogging is like breathing, I feel like I have just been revived. Wish it were more like mouth to mouth with Johnny Depp, but an iPad will do just fine. I need you guys, the ones who read me, if there are any of you out there. I don't think i got any message with i miss you, where were you, or did you finally end your miserable life? But for those who do read, were the blogs too long, or ok, i would love any feedback, is anyone out there, i actually think most of my blog hits are by mistake, but so much has happened since I last blogged, let me know your feedback. please!


Now back to blogging.

Re-gifting

There is a Toys for Tots marathon-toy-giveaway-thing at my job. And there are lots of people who participate to give gifts for families like mine. (sarcasm)
A friend of mine, who I will keep anonymous so that the envy won't run green, did so, she chose a little boy, like Diego. She also arrived late, like my family, and had a trunk full of gifts to donate. And I was the selected participant.
I now know what it feels like to win something. I was so excited I didn't even know how to begin to say thank-you.
I met with her, and there was a football (going to Mike), a soccer ball (going to Mike), Clue game (going to Diego to replace the one Mike destroyed and Juno ate), BMX figures (there are two, they each get one), Beyblade (Diego), toy car (Mike). And a couple more things. I feel so blessed. My trunk was full, now my back seat. The problem was where to hide all the toys. Mike is not too far from being a criminal mastermind, the child goes on you tube from my phone, this will be no challenge for my little Kaiser Strozer (Usual Suspects).
I did not have much wrap for the boys, now they have toys to open, lots of them.
*Fastforward to Sunday*
Sunday morning I woke up to a broken fridge, melted ice cream, warm milk, I had to throw out all of the food that spoiled, there was more than I thought. The condomints went to the fridge in the back shed, as did the milk, eggs, cheese, and the rest I could salvage. (My mother in laws fridge for the gross stuff)
Before moving the food, I cleaned out the stinky fridge, there was green stuff, gooey stuff, and gray matter, I windexed the entire thing and re-organized the stinky stuff, possibly worms, mini fish that should be pets and veggies that should have spoiled but had now passed the rotten stage and was in a food cycle stage of its own.
The segregated food fit just right, but nothing else fit. We can't buy another fridge, so it will be fast food until pay day. Lots of cereal days to come.
I dropped Mike off with the mother in law, went to go check on them, found them playing football with a diaper, not a poopy one, let's be grateful for the little things, a pee-peed one, wrapped into a square resembling an egg roll. She threw the ball, Mike caught the ball, I clapped and went back to my disaster.
My father and hubby were working on the fridge, knowing my husband, if he tried to fix it, he would probably end up wiring the fax to the microwave, which would make one hell a trick, fax a picture to the microwave and open the microwave up to a meal, something like they did on Weird Science with that chic with the hooker lips.
I went out for Happy Meals and got a call from my grandma, she desperately wanted me to take her to the store to buy the boys' gifts. And this is where my light bulb went off, "How about the toys I have in the trunk? I have the Simpson's Monopoly, a ball pit, and Club Penguin cards, I'll sell it to you?"
We agreed on a price, I went to her house, emptied the trunk, reloaded the trunk with the charity gifts, made the drop off, exchanged the merchandise for the cash, yes like they do in the corner, and went back into my car to McDonald's.
It's really amazing how things work out sometimes. Thank you Christmas Angel.

Silent Night

It happened. The one nightmare all married couples who live with their in-laws have, finally happened.
During a heated moment of intimacy, the bedroom door burst open, and that's all I have to say about that.
After the door flew open, we instantly became the scene of a double homicide, both of us dropped as dead weight, like the characters of Toy Story when a human is present. Mike is gibbering and running at the side of the bed, he climbs and puts his index finger into my eye. I am awake, but have been in the dark long enough to act asleep with ease. We go into the kitchen and the bright lights cause me to squint, my hair is made up of a pony tail with fly aways dancing about, similar to a cat fight. Except in this fight, the pussy was defeated by a 2 year old.
My mother in law follows, "Milk, he need milk." She proclaims, and that was the reason for the abrupt invasion.
"He no sleep."
I look at Mike, he is spinning in the living room, running wildly in a crack head like fashion.
"We need to drive him, the only thing that will put him to sleep for sure is a ride, we will just drive until he passes out."
"No, that no good, he get used to it, then we always drive for nite nite."
We got into the car, she insisted she drive and we take her car.
She backed up, about an inch away from the hubby's car. I made the sign of the cross and looked forward. She topped speeds of 12 miles per hour, we passed a house with lights and she turned the corner. The woman parked in the front yard of a very nicely manicured house, across the street from the one with all the lights. She turned the radio on, she had a Yo Gabba Gabba CD. Mike clapped and sung along.
After the familiar "waaahhhs" and his delightful screams, she turned the ignition back on and moved forward, we were on top of a sewer and the car bounced and hit the concrete with each inch that we crawled forward.
And here I thought the worst that could happen was the cops come to knock on the window to site us for trespassing on pretty lawns and acting like mental patients, staring at lights and pointing at the sky.
I lowered my head and covered my eyes and forehead with my right hand, as if I were being watched. She continued to drive towards our house, and possibly head home. She pulled into the drive way. We circled the block one time, aside from going back to gawk at the gaudy light display, just one time, that isn't exaclty my plan.
She shut off the car and continued to play the CD, he sang and hummed and clapped.
Now the fun begins. She made me get down to see what he would do, "Try, try."
she wanted me to pretend to leave him, naturally he screamed. I walked over to get him out of the car, he didn't want to get down. She tried, nothing. We sat in the car listening to disco Lance Rock for another song, then she made me try again, this charade lasted till midnight, about 45 minutes. She shut off the radio and then the sirens really started to blare. We pulled the patient out of the car seat, he was convulsing and screaming, I waited to see if neighbors would come out. But since most of them have their hearing aides off at this time, it was just me and her outside. She placed him on the floor and he walked to her apt behind the house. "I take him, he go sleep."
I walked inside and finished what I started, 5 minutes later I walked to my mother in law's suite. He was jumping on the bed and I sat by him. In his hands he held a cassette tape player, the old ones, he pushed play and Korean instrumental music came on, she began to dance, kind of like the hippies around the trees, or the rain Indians asking the gods for rain. He followed, it was quite a sight.
I stood up to leave and he followed. I carried him into the house and he went straight to the TV, he turned it on, I turned it off, he did it manually, I held the remote. I finally dandled my keys and he went wild. He must think we are off to the mall or McDonalds. I took him into my car with no radio, just silence.
We drove in a large square around Tampa, each time we went around 5 minutes passed, after 4 tours of Tampa taking the same route and 20 minutes later, the prince sleeps.
I place him next to my husband, he looks almost angelic, but I know better. It was a quarter passed one when I went to sleep and he woke up at 8:30 am with bells and whistles. Hope your night went better than mine.