The Good Son

My dad comes home from work and every day the same routine

No “Son, how was your school, or your day or how’ve you been?”

He goes straight for the fridge and then he starts on his first beer

One after the other, me and mom don’t speak in fear

Then something always triggers, he becomes an awful mess

He slurs his words and loudly, bitches to us like a test

He calls my mom a whore and tells her crap, it’s all a lie

He waits for her to argue, till she leaves the room to cry

I’m then left in the kitchen, trying to finish all my chores

He calls me fat and stupid, how much should a boy endure

He’s even called me faggot to my face to stir me up

The words they may not touch me, but inside they fuck me up

Today he’s going overboard, he slapped her off the chair

She’s laying on the floor, won’t look up, she doesn’t dare

He kicks her as he screams for her to “get up off her ass”

She doesn’t move an inch, waiting for the time to pass

I look at him in horror, but I just won’t say a word

I know I should defend her, but to move would be absurd

I feel my body shaking, and my pants start to get wet

I’m pissing on myself I hope he leaves and just forgets

He laughs out loud as slowly there’s a puddle on the floor

Now I’ve just become a pussy as he puts it and much more

I think I started crying, then he said I’ve got to learn

He lifted up his fist, I knew then it was my turn

I know inside he loves me, as he hits me with all force

My skin begins to soften and the welts begin to hurt

I can’t pinpoint the moment where I pissed him off so much

I don’t know what I did that was so wrong to get a punch

My mom has been defeated, his victory was won

I’m crouched down in the corner, does he know I stole the gun

I hid it in the mattress, in the hole that’s by my feet

I know they’d never find it, no one’s ever changed my sheets

I’ve waited for this day, I knew soon it was to come

That is why I did it, why I stole my daddy’s gun

He’s lighting up a cigarrette, my mom’s still there passed out

He gets his foot to move her, I see blood spill out her mouth

He looks at me and turns, convinced for now his job is done

Hope for other options, my thoughts focus on just one

I hold the gun with anger, some confusion, mostly hate

Looking for this bastard, I’ll make sure he meets his fate

Funny thru my mind, I could only think of God

Why did I deserve this, am I worthless, just because

I try not to be mean to others, don’t’ steal, and don’t lie

Is it just for your amusement, there must be a reason why

I found him on the porch, and the moment our eyes met

He sobered up real fast, made a promise he’d forget

He said he’d never touch us, meanwhile mom’s bleeding inside

I look him in the eye, God forgive me, we all died

Pulled the trigger, then he dropped, on the floor his body lay

In silence, I just waited, want to make it go away

I’m only ten years old, here my family disconnects

I can’t change all the damage, hell I don’t have no regrets

My dad has never hugged me, I never made him proud

My mom might have loved me, but I always had my doubts

An evil lurked inside my house, what path it didn’t care

It seeped throughout the walls, as if I was barely there

I called for help and quickly with some lady on the phone

I checked the lifeless bodies and advised I was alone

The cops pulled in and found me, still in tears under the stairs

I told them how it happened, blood was matted in my hair

Their bodies lay in plastic bags, as they left the house for good

How will I survive, this life was mine, I understood

I knew of nothing else, I’ve no where else to call my home

But my family was fucked up, I guess I’m better off alone

Sandcastles

She is sitting in the sandbox
Talking to the trees
With tales full of solitude
Faint whispers in the breeze
Today she is a princess
Royal and pristine
Looking out the window
She is locked up and unseen
Sees herself above the moat
The castle sits atop a hill
Awaiting princes that do not exist
Where she is kept against her will
She hollers from the tower
Through the forest in her mind
Knowing soon they'll find her
In a sandbox, the whole time
The delusion lasted briefly
Her fingers dig into the sand
She hopes to find the body
At a grave site she now stands
The tombstone is eroded
She drops down to her knees
Birds take off and ravens caw
Sudden rustle in the leaves
A little boy walks toward her
Big brown eyes and shaggy hair
Moving closer to embrace her son
Grasping hold of the thin air
She calls his name out hoarsely
Digging furiously in the sand
Determined to unearth him
Bloody nails sting her hand
Her parents stare in horror
Their weekly visit held inside
The orderlies must intervene
They hear her "Come back, please don't hide"
She is held down and sedated
Three grown men must take her down
She is buckled and restrained
Searches for a body never found
Her parents lost a grandson
The boy just drifted into the sea
Their daughter never gave up hope
Nor did she let go, stuck in grief
The memory is locked in place
With flooded guilt she's paralyzed
They went out to the beach one day
That's when she let him slip her mind
She is alone inside her thoughts now
They drag her by, she's in a daze
She hears his voice, and knows she's not alone
She floats among the crashing waves

Unwelcome Guest

These four walls hold a life that is slipping away
My convictions of blame, drove me out, I’m insane
They all say that I’m mad, but can’t see that I’m pissed
And I heard that I’m sad, and it’s you that I miss
So for once in my life I have nowhere to turn
Contemplate on what leads in this lesson to learn
Now you woke up this girl I forgot that I was
And I knew I was here, but got lost, fell in love
I can scream as I kick but you’re not by my side
You have brought her to life, with her begs suicide
Now she’s here and I’m losing control once again
Only thoughts of an end rule my thoughts, fill my head
I can’t breathe, I can’t sit, I just toss and I turn
With these marks on my arm from the flesh that I’ve burned
Its my way to inflict all the damage I’ve done
I’m so scared of myself, but there’s nowhere to run
For a moment I wish I could bring it all back
All the sex, all the smiles, lay my head on your lap
Now I go on each day wishing I was an us
But your not here no more so I don’t give a fuck
Where you went I don’t care, I just know you left me
In a nighmare to live, with the scenes that I see
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I just hate who I am
It repeats in my mind, starting off with your plan
But I didn’t believe you would go through with it
You just grabbed me and screamed and demanded I sit
Then you went off and told me I fucked up your life
That you wished I was dead cause I do nothing right
As I sat there the tears, just rolled down off my face
And the sight of the gun made my heart start to race
But I did nothing more as the gun met your head
I just held you and rocked, as you sat there and bled
You know that’s how they found me, arms holding you tight
They made sure I let go, but I put up a fight
If you wanted me dead, why’d you leave me behind
Like a sentence for death, traumatized for all time
Glossy eyes, empty visions of the stains that aren’t there
Now I’m locked up alone, and they know I don’t care
With IV’s dripping slowly and me in a daze
I still know what you did and it won’t go away
Funny though I’m now gone and she’s taken my place
Drinking in all the sorrow, enjoying the taste
I can see from afar that it’s not really me
Plays along as she waits for a chance to kill me

The dream one

Dreams are merely wishes, not always coming true

Sometimes you dream to change the past, regrets you can't undo

You may take paths that lead you to that thing you want the most

The wish, the dream, is closer now, succeeded it, almost

But something crossed into your way, an unexpected fate

That dream has fallen further, out of reach, setting in hate

If I could go back into time, and rethink all my steps

I'd clearly walk the other way, away from that regret

Instead I'm walking aimlessly, and I go at it alone

All by myself, fear guiding me, and certainty unknown

To drown away my sorrows, the penalties I'll pay

Heavy drinking, heavy doubts, driving everything away

My dreams have become nightmares of how it should have been

Of what my life was meant to be, how I was meant to live

And so I wake up lonely, feeling helpless and afraid

The fucking up is priceless, there's a lifetime to be paid

Drive me to the edge of darkness, to death, I have no fear

Drive me to the end of wishing, take me far from here

Left

As the time passes by
Memories are so clear
Your voice is now fading
My thoughts hold you dear
The days are so lonesome
I'm falling apart
I still smell your body
But you've left with my heart
I just want to hold you
I feel empty inside
You left with no warning
No last kiss good bye
So I lie in this prison
My body's my own cell
For I've lost you to heaven
And you've left me in hell

Me and the Moon

This morning when I woke up

I opened up my eyes

I searched to touch you softly

But you're gone, to my surprise

I can't seem to remember

What made you leave so soon

I know I waited for you

By the window with the moon

I smell you on my pillow

But there lies an empty space

I sit up in a frenzy

With these thoughts I can't erase

Guilt begins to gather

And I'm quickening my breath

Our last moments together

Moments I try to forget

Rewinding all the words

I can never take them back

I said it all in anger

And you said them to me back

Solitude surrounds me

The darkness brings more tears

It seems like it was yesterday

But it's almost been a year

The days keep getting longer

Life has lost it's glow

I hope you come to find me

Before I'm gone out of control

When I close my eyes I see you

In my dreams we're not apart

Every night I'm lying with you

I wake up and then it starts

A daily living nightmare

I'm confined to day by day

I've tried to put it in the past

But it just won't go away

You haunt me while I'm sleeping

You're voice is in my head

Our pictures loom among me

Your presence is what's dead

The only way to calm me

Is to bring you back to me

I know this isn't like me

But I have nowhere else to be

I sometimes crack a bottle

I sometimes smoke alone

But lately it's a little pill

As I'm waiting by the phone

It voids out the reality

All the things I've learned to hate

Because really since you left me

I just sit and contemplate

I've lost touch with my family

I think they think I moved

I know they try to reach me

But this pain, they cannot soothe

So I let them leave a message

And I let it go to hell

I'm sure they're thinking of me

Do you think of me as well

Now I'm sitting by the window

I am with my friend, the moon

I can see her searching for you

Hoping you'll be back real soon

I glance off to the bottle

By my bed, it understands

It's helping me get through this

Stretching out to hold my hand

I could go to sleep forever

You would never leave my side

This time I'll try with twenty pills

Would it count as suicide

Crossing over to my dreamland

Hope you're waiting there for me

The only way to bring us back

The way that we should be

The decisions I must now make

To live alone or die with you

Tears start to emerge

I wonder if I'll make it through

Rope

The rope is one inch thick
And maybe ten feet long
I've tied the knot up tightly
And yanked on it, it's strong!
The bucket is now empty
I've placed it upside down
I've got the noose around my neck
My family, out of town
I've drank a little lately
A little more than alot
I wrote the note to say adios
I prayed and kissed the knot
I stood up on the bucket
My legs shook, my hands sweat
I couldn't stop from crying
I am alone, no safety net
"Forgive me and forget me
The choice I made was mine,
I will not leave too far away
And will visit you sometime."

State of Mind

State of Mind

Scream into the darkness
Curse out all your pain
Drink up from the bottle
And do it once again
I know I’m not alone
With my demons and my lies
Angels come to help me
A devil’s locked inside
Once again I’m frightened
As they both crash in my mind
I’ve lost sight once again
My soul fights to survive
This body that was mine
Corroded to the core
My eyes sink down now deeper
Not who was here before
I barely recognize her
The monster in this room
She can’t seem to escape it
Her life has met its doom
Longing for forgiveness
This journey’s at its end
Who can welcome me now?
The devil or his friend
I can’t seem to decipher
The wrong way or the right
As suicide surrounds me
A good bye I must write
I’m thankful for good times
Wiser for the bad
Abandoned by so many
My sanity’s gone mad