There is a Toys for Tots marathon-toy-giveaway-thing at my job. And there are lots of people who participate to give gifts for families like mine. (sarcasm)
A friend of mine, who I will keep anonymous so that the envy won't run green, did so, she chose a little boy, like Diego. She also arrived late, like my family, and had a trunk full of gifts to donate. And I was the selected participant.
I now know what it feels like to win something. I was so excited I didn't even know how to begin to say thank-you.
I met with her, and there was a football (going to Mike), a soccer ball (going to Mike), Clue game (going to Diego to replace the one Mike destroyed and Juno ate), BMX figures (there are two, they each get one), Beyblade (Diego), toy car (Mike). And a couple more things. I feel so blessed. My trunk was full, now my back seat. The problem was where to hide all the toys. Mike is not too far from being a criminal mastermind, the child goes on you tube from my phone, this will be no challenge for my little Kaiser Strozer (Usual Suspects).
I did not have much wrap for the boys, now they have toys to open, lots of them.
*Fastforward to Sunday*
Sunday morning I woke up to a broken fridge, melted ice cream, warm milk, I had to throw out all of the food that spoiled, there was more than I thought. The condomints went to the fridge in the back shed, as did the milk, eggs, cheese, and the rest I could salvage. (My mother in laws fridge for the gross stuff)
Before moving the food, I cleaned out the stinky fridge, there was green stuff, gooey stuff, and gray matter, I windexed the entire thing and re-organized the stinky stuff, possibly worms, mini fish that should be pets and veggies that should have spoiled but had now passed the rotten stage and was in a food cycle stage of its own.
The segregated food fit just right, but nothing else fit. We can't buy another fridge, so it will be fast food until pay day. Lots of cereal days to come.
I dropped Mike off with the mother in law, went to go check on them, found them playing football with a diaper, not a poopy one, let's be grateful for the little things, a pee-peed one, wrapped into a square resembling an egg roll. She threw the ball, Mike caught the ball, I clapped and went back to my disaster.
My father and hubby were working on the fridge, knowing my husband, if he tried to fix it, he would probably end up wiring the fax to the microwave, which would make one hell a trick, fax a picture to the microwave and open the microwave up to a meal, something like they did on Weird Science with that chic with the hooker lips.
I went out for Happy Meals and got a call from my grandma, she desperately wanted me to take her to the store to buy the boys' gifts. And this is where my light bulb went off, "How about the toys I have in the trunk? I have the Simpson's Monopoly, a ball pit, and Club Penguin cards, I'll sell it to you?"
We agreed on a price, I went to her house, emptied the trunk, reloaded the trunk with the charity gifts, made the drop off, exchanged the merchandise for the cash, yes like they do in the corner, and went back into my car to McDonald's.
It's really amazing how things work out sometimes. Thank you Christmas Angel.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Silent Night
It happened. The one nightmare all married couples who live with their in-laws have, finally happened.
During a heated moment of intimacy, the bedroom door burst open, and that's all I have to say about that.
After the door flew open, we instantly became the scene of a double homicide, both of us dropped as dead weight, like the characters of Toy Story when a human is present. Mike is gibbering and running at the side of the bed, he climbs and puts his index finger into my eye. I am awake, but have been in the dark long enough to act asleep with ease. We go into the kitchen and the bright lights cause me to squint, my hair is made up of a pony tail with fly aways dancing about, similar to a cat fight. Except in this fight, the pussy was defeated by a 2 year old.
My mother in law follows, "Milk, he need milk." She proclaims, and that was the reason for the abrupt invasion.
"He no sleep."
I look at Mike, he is spinning in the living room, running wildly in a crack head like fashion.
"We need to drive him, the only thing that will put him to sleep for sure is a ride, we will just drive until he passes out."
"No, that no good, he get used to it, then we always drive for nite nite."
We got into the car, she insisted she drive and we take her car.
She backed up, about an inch away from the hubby's car. I made the sign of the cross and looked forward. She topped speeds of 12 miles per hour, we passed a house with lights and she turned the corner. The woman parked in the front yard of a very nicely manicured house, across the street from the one with all the lights. She turned the radio on, she had a Yo Gabba Gabba CD. Mike clapped and sung along.
After the familiar "waaahhhs" and his delightful screams, she turned the ignition back on and moved forward, we were on top of a sewer and the car bounced and hit the concrete with each inch that we crawled forward.
And here I thought the worst that could happen was the cops come to knock on the window to site us for trespassing on pretty lawns and acting like mental patients, staring at lights and pointing at the sky.
I lowered my head and covered my eyes and forehead with my right hand, as if I were being watched. She continued to drive towards our house, and possibly head home. She pulled into the drive way. We circled the block one time, aside from going back to gawk at the gaudy light display, just one time, that isn't exaclty my plan.
She shut off the car and continued to play the CD, he sang and hummed and clapped.
Now the fun begins. She made me get down to see what he would do, "Try, try."
she wanted me to pretend to leave him, naturally he screamed. I walked over to get him out of the car, he didn't want to get down. She tried, nothing. We sat in the car listening to disco Lance Rock for another song, then she made me try again, this charade lasted till midnight, about 45 minutes. She shut off the radio and then the sirens really started to blare. We pulled the patient out of the car seat, he was convulsing and screaming, I waited to see if neighbors would come out. But since most of them have their hearing aides off at this time, it was just me and her outside. She placed him on the floor and he walked to her apt behind the house. "I take him, he go sleep."
I walked inside and finished what I started, 5 minutes later I walked to my mother in law's suite. He was jumping on the bed and I sat by him. In his hands he held a cassette tape player, the old ones, he pushed play and Korean instrumental music came on, she began to dance, kind of like the hippies around the trees, or the rain Indians asking the gods for rain. He followed, it was quite a sight.
I stood up to leave and he followed. I carried him into the house and he went straight to the TV, he turned it on, I turned it off, he did it manually, I held the remote. I finally dandled my keys and he went wild. He must think we are off to the mall or McDonalds. I took him into my car with no radio, just silence.
We drove in a large square around Tampa, each time we went around 5 minutes passed, after 4 tours of Tampa taking the same route and 20 minutes later, the prince sleeps.
I place him next to my husband, he looks almost angelic, but I know better. It was a quarter passed one when I went to sleep and he woke up at 8:30 am with bells and whistles. Hope your night went better than mine.
During a heated moment of intimacy, the bedroom door burst open, and that's all I have to say about that.
After the door flew open, we instantly became the scene of a double homicide, both of us dropped as dead weight, like the characters of Toy Story when a human is present. Mike is gibbering and running at the side of the bed, he climbs and puts his index finger into my eye. I am awake, but have been in the dark long enough to act asleep with ease. We go into the kitchen and the bright lights cause me to squint, my hair is made up of a pony tail with fly aways dancing about, similar to a cat fight. Except in this fight, the pussy was defeated by a 2 year old.
My mother in law follows, "Milk, he need milk." She proclaims, and that was the reason for the abrupt invasion.
"He no sleep."
I look at Mike, he is spinning in the living room, running wildly in a crack head like fashion.
"We need to drive him, the only thing that will put him to sleep for sure is a ride, we will just drive until he passes out."
"No, that no good, he get used to it, then we always drive for nite nite."
We got into the car, she insisted she drive and we take her car.
She backed up, about an inch away from the hubby's car. I made the sign of the cross and looked forward. She topped speeds of 12 miles per hour, we passed a house with lights and she turned the corner. The woman parked in the front yard of a very nicely manicured house, across the street from the one with all the lights. She turned the radio on, she had a Yo Gabba Gabba CD. Mike clapped and sung along.
After the familiar "waaahhhs" and his delightful screams, she turned the ignition back on and moved forward, we were on top of a sewer and the car bounced and hit the concrete with each inch that we crawled forward.
And here I thought the worst that could happen was the cops come to knock on the window to site us for trespassing on pretty lawns and acting like mental patients, staring at lights and pointing at the sky.
I lowered my head and covered my eyes and forehead with my right hand, as if I were being watched. She continued to drive towards our house, and possibly head home. She pulled into the drive way. We circled the block one time, aside from going back to gawk at the gaudy light display, just one time, that isn't exaclty my plan.
She shut off the car and continued to play the CD, he sang and hummed and clapped.
Now the fun begins. She made me get down to see what he would do, "Try, try."
she wanted me to pretend to leave him, naturally he screamed. I walked over to get him out of the car, he didn't want to get down. She tried, nothing. We sat in the car listening to disco Lance Rock for another song, then she made me try again, this charade lasted till midnight, about 45 minutes. She shut off the radio and then the sirens really started to blare. We pulled the patient out of the car seat, he was convulsing and screaming, I waited to see if neighbors would come out. But since most of them have their hearing aides off at this time, it was just me and her outside. She placed him on the floor and he walked to her apt behind the house. "I take him, he go sleep."
I walked inside and finished what I started, 5 minutes later I walked to my mother in law's suite. He was jumping on the bed and I sat by him. In his hands he held a cassette tape player, the old ones, he pushed play and Korean instrumental music came on, she began to dance, kind of like the hippies around the trees, or the rain Indians asking the gods for rain. He followed, it was quite a sight.
I stood up to leave and he followed. I carried him into the house and he went straight to the TV, he turned it on, I turned it off, he did it manually, I held the remote. I finally dandled my keys and he went wild. He must think we are off to the mall or McDonalds. I took him into my car with no radio, just silence.
We drove in a large square around Tampa, each time we went around 5 minutes passed, after 4 tours of Tampa taking the same route and 20 minutes later, the prince sleeps.
I place him next to my husband, he looks almost angelic, but I know better. It was a quarter passed one when I went to sleep and he woke up at 8:30 am with bells and whistles. Hope your night went better than mine.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Twinkling Lights
After being indoors all day, the kids needed some air. I needed some quiet time, and Juno needed to rest, Mike was torturing him.
I announced "Everyone get dressed, we are going bye-bye." I went to my mother in law's and invited her. After a little hesitation, she finally agreed, I really needed the help, in case Mike escaped the car seat on the highway.
The Chik Fil A had a holiday light display, just what we needed to get into the Christmas spirit. It was almost seven and I figured we would be headed back home at 8ish, the perfect time to have Mike fall asleep in the car.
I gave Mike his bottle, Diego a blanket, the kid was freezing, I played the Chipmunks Christmas CD and drove. My mother in law humming along, I find out on the ride that she has a couple of Coors Lights in her, and she starts counting down on how she only had two left, for some reason I am at fault in this. Her 12 pack was down to 2 because of my problem, she bought it weeks ago, I promised her it would not have lasted that long in my possession.
As I hear her babbling, I glance at the rear view mirror. While grandma was playing the blame game and Alvin was asking for teeth, the boys fell asleep. We were five minutes away, far too early, Mike would be up at 10 pm and ready to play till the wee hours.
We pulled into the parking lot, the boys woke up, their eyes twinkling at the lights, the display is mesmerizing. So many lights, you know Chik Fil A is super Christian because they close on Sundays. There are reindeer, angels, Christmas trees, soldiers, they went all out. We walked up to the display, there were seats lined up in rows, a holiday concert, what fun, I hoped to catch a glimpse. I have Mike D wrapped in his Spongebob blankie and he is just in awe. As we continue to walk my mother in law points out the lights "Look Mikey, Waaah!"
I can not possibly tell you how loud she was, the people eating outside on the tables stopped and looked up, I pulled my mother in law towards the bushes.
"Waaahhhhh Mikey look!" The lady in the drive thru ordering stopped and looked at us, my mother in law continued to talk and point. Has she never seen a light? A Christmas tree? People? The poor little highschooler taking orders looked at me, her braces sparkled with the display, her eyes a blank expression.
Continue to take the order bitch, Lady tell her what you want, nothing to see here! I wanted to shout and instead thought it, it's rude to stare. I continued around the fast food establishment, "Waahhh, wahhh, wahhh!" She wouldn't shut up, and she would point and run up to displays, the more she said it the more Mikey would squeal.
It wasn't an actual word, it was the word "wow" shorted by the "w", dipped in her korean accent, then the syllables extended times 5, the entire word went on for seconds, then the last syllable ended in a faint whisper, like ADD when she focused on the next display it started all over again, it startled me at first, but then I got used to it. I held her hand, told her I was cold, and kept her as close as I could.
So here I am with my barefoot child, yes barefoot. We were only going to order and go, she was so thrilled by the site she had to walk around and look. If she had a camera she would look like a tourist at Disney, with pics of trees, flowers and all kinds of stuff that were pointless to take a picture of. It's a foreign thing.
I struggled with Mike, kept Diego at my side, and held my mother in laws hand firmly, like they do the speshal kids at the McDonalds house. If anyone asks, I am taking her on a field trip.
We walked back towards the car, I steered the mini group past the customers, making a bee line for the parking lot, then fuck-me-sideways, there was an Elvis impersonator singing Elvis holiday songs, doing the nasty hip thing, because the man was clearly in his 60's with shoe polish in his hair, that hip thing is only cute if Shakira does it.
"Wahh, wahh, wahh, Elvis man!" She ran and took a seat in the front row. Dear God if she stands up and sings along, I am leaving her. Let Rudolph bring her ass home. After a song and clapping, she got up and I grabbed her by the hand, "We really gotta go home." She agreed.
She pointed at Elvis, to her we were watching the real thing, apparently Elvis resurrected from the grave for Christmas instead of Jesus, she was speechless, I figured she left her glasses, and obviously needs hearing aides. People looked at me, I tilted my head to the side and smiled. They smiled back in sympathy. SCORE!!!
The wahhs continued till we got back to the car, while in the drive thru they began again, children stared in wonder, we weren't part of the display, but were clearly blending in. I maneuvered the windows up, she lowered them, every time the car inched we played this up and down window symphany until we finally ordered, and I took the first exit on the way home, trying not to hit a snowman or an innocent bystander.
That is now, and will ALWAYS be a once a year trip. Hope you enjoyed this little slice of my life, and they wonder why I need medication.
I announced "Everyone get dressed, we are going bye-bye." I went to my mother in law's and invited her. After a little hesitation, she finally agreed, I really needed the help, in case Mike escaped the car seat on the highway.
The Chik Fil A had a holiday light display, just what we needed to get into the Christmas spirit. It was almost seven and I figured we would be headed back home at 8ish, the perfect time to have Mike fall asleep in the car.
I gave Mike his bottle, Diego a blanket, the kid was freezing, I played the Chipmunks Christmas CD and drove. My mother in law humming along, I find out on the ride that she has a couple of Coors Lights in her, and she starts counting down on how she only had two left, for some reason I am at fault in this. Her 12 pack was down to 2 because of my problem, she bought it weeks ago, I promised her it would not have lasted that long in my possession.
As I hear her babbling, I glance at the rear view mirror. While grandma was playing the blame game and Alvin was asking for teeth, the boys fell asleep. We were five minutes away, far too early, Mike would be up at 10 pm and ready to play till the wee hours.
We pulled into the parking lot, the boys woke up, their eyes twinkling at the lights, the display is mesmerizing. So many lights, you know Chik Fil A is super Christian because they close on Sundays. There are reindeer, angels, Christmas trees, soldiers, they went all out. We walked up to the display, there were seats lined up in rows, a holiday concert, what fun, I hoped to catch a glimpse. I have Mike D wrapped in his Spongebob blankie and he is just in awe. As we continue to walk my mother in law points out the lights "Look Mikey, Waaah!"
I can not possibly tell you how loud she was, the people eating outside on the tables stopped and looked up, I pulled my mother in law towards the bushes.
"Waaahhhhh Mikey look!" The lady in the drive thru ordering stopped and looked at us, my mother in law continued to talk and point. Has she never seen a light? A Christmas tree? People? The poor little highschooler taking orders looked at me, her braces sparkled with the display, her eyes a blank expression.
Continue to take the order bitch, Lady tell her what you want, nothing to see here! I wanted to shout and instead thought it, it's rude to stare. I continued around the fast food establishment, "Waahhh, wahhh, wahhh!" She wouldn't shut up, and she would point and run up to displays, the more she said it the more Mikey would squeal.
It wasn't an actual word, it was the word "wow" shorted by the "w", dipped in her korean accent, then the syllables extended times 5, the entire word went on for seconds, then the last syllable ended in a faint whisper, like ADD when she focused on the next display it started all over again, it startled me at first, but then I got used to it. I held her hand, told her I was cold, and kept her as close as I could.
So here I am with my barefoot child, yes barefoot. We were only going to order and go, she was so thrilled by the site she had to walk around and look. If she had a camera she would look like a tourist at Disney, with pics of trees, flowers and all kinds of stuff that were pointless to take a picture of. It's a foreign thing.
I struggled with Mike, kept Diego at my side, and held my mother in laws hand firmly, like they do the speshal kids at the McDonalds house. If anyone asks, I am taking her on a field trip.
We walked back towards the car, I steered the mini group past the customers, making a bee line for the parking lot, then fuck-me-sideways, there was an Elvis impersonator singing Elvis holiday songs, doing the nasty hip thing, because the man was clearly in his 60's with shoe polish in his hair, that hip thing is only cute if Shakira does it.
"Wahh, wahh, wahh, Elvis man!" She ran and took a seat in the front row. Dear God if she stands up and sings along, I am leaving her. Let Rudolph bring her ass home. After a song and clapping, she got up and I grabbed her by the hand, "We really gotta go home." She agreed.
She pointed at Elvis, to her we were watching the real thing, apparently Elvis resurrected from the grave for Christmas instead of Jesus, she was speechless, I figured she left her glasses, and obviously needs hearing aides. People looked at me, I tilted my head to the side and smiled. They smiled back in sympathy. SCORE!!!
The wahhs continued till we got back to the car, while in the drive thru they began again, children stared in wonder, we weren't part of the display, but were clearly blending in. I maneuvered the windows up, she lowered them, every time the car inched we played this up and down window symphany until we finally ordered, and I took the first exit on the way home, trying not to hit a snowman or an innocent bystander.
That is now, and will ALWAYS be a once a year trip. Hope you enjoyed this little slice of my life, and they wonder why I need medication.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Chestnuts roasting
People probably think I am mean to my mother in law because she has no oven or stove, just a microwave. She doesn't live in a closet people, she has proven herself irresponsible for such luxeries.
Two years ago, I remember it was December because I remember the tree was up.
I woke up to a foul burning smell, it took a minute to register, but once I woke up I opened the door to a house full of smoke. I ran down stairs and there on the stove was a pot of chestnuts, black as the coal that Santa was going to be leaving her ass on Christmas morning, with shiney bows and all. I came up with the gift at that very second.
I shut off the stove, grabbed a towel and placed the pot o charded nuts in the sink. I walked into her room to find my dear mother in law sprawled on her bed with the remote in one hand, on TV a China man getting slapped by a China chick probably for some kinky shit that I can't follow because I am not Korean.
I woke her, she was shocked, the clock read 2 and at just about that time, I popped on the couch and watched a movie. How could I sleep, we opened the back screen door and let the downstairs air out.
"Chestnut." She said.
"I know, but not at 2 in the morning, no more cooking like this." Either she was falling back asleep or she was eyeing me and cursing me in her mind.
No matter, this has happened more than a couple of times. And how did this story come about.
This morning I thought she was cleaning the front yard. I was wrong. She is gathering acorns from the floor and has them out in the sun, in various containers, she hasn't decided if she is going to cook them or put them in a pillow case and use it as a foot massage. Apparently the recession has even the holiday squirrels losing out.
I don't know how she intends to cook up the nuts or acorns, but I hope for all that is holy, that she doesn't use sticks and twigs from the front yard and attempt to bar b que my house in the process.
Later that same day...my mother calls. She has gone shopping and found the perfect gift for my husband. A t-shirt with a squirrel holding an acorn, the shirt read "Can I bust a nut in your hole?" She left the t-shirt at the store and does nothing more than ask if she should go back. I can only pray they sell out or she finds another way to embarrass me.
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