The Day the Car Died

There are few things that I am passionate about, during lunch it was food vs smoking. With a dollar to my name the decision was quite simple. I drove across the street because they have banned smoking at the building. (Really)

So I put put over to the parking lot across the street, my dear Rosa and Renee came over to keep me company for a few moments, then they left. Me being a bad ass wanted that last cigarette and told them to leave, they left. I start the ignition, the car ticked, that was it, it ticked. Dead battery.

Having a dreadful UTI, I drank much more water than I should have. Hiking my ass back to the office, with a diet coke in one hand, my purse and keys in the other and the urge to pee made it a real challenge. The heels didn't help either, they made it worse. I am a fan of bare feet, but we all have our limits, I didn't have that additional hand to carry the heels with, so I walked slowly, falling in the past has been an issue for me. And in this scenario all of the hints point to a turbulent landing.

I made it to the office, sweaty and late. Ran to the potty, did the deed. Went back to the office to get help, I told the whole office about the fact that I had to walk, they were delighted to hear about my walk, Rosa especially thought it was LOL funny.

All of these "mechanics" with their ideas and guesses on what was wrong with the car.

"It's the battery."

I knew it, like a mother to a child, I knew the battery died. (Even though my husband just bought a new one a week ago, didn't even cross my mind.)

I spoke to my husband briefly and explained that we were going to fix the car.

My buddy Sonia had the nipple pinchers and Mathew was going to help us charge the battery. At 5 I rode with Sonia to my car and waited for Mathew. He lifted the hood and pulled a belt out of the engine. (Well that doesn't belong there)

He looked at me expecting an explanation. (I am sure there were crickets chirping in the background)

Grabbing the belt and bending over the engine he began to molest my engine, Sonia and me watched and discussed books, my trunk still full of free books from my RWA meeting. It started to rain (of course) and Sonia became Mathew's PUH (personal umbrella holder) he pulled and tugged and asked for tools that drew blank spaces in my mind. After half hour, we decided to give up, at least I knew it was the belt and not the battery. Sonia was my taxi for the day, driving the basketcase to her mother's house. (yes me!)

I call my cousin Papo and make a lunch date so he can come to fix the car at noon tomorrow, he works 2-11pm so there is no way he can leave now. Lunch date is set.

****now the real fun begins, try to keep up****

We drive to my mother's house and Sonia has to go pee, I empathize with her. We get down, she goes potty, I hug my boys. Exit Sonia.

I talk to my mom, who talked to my dad, who talked to my cousin. My ever so loving dad has discussed with my cousin getting my car fixed, they talked and decided. But in their infinite wisdom somehow forgot to tell me. So my cousin is waiting for me (per my mom) and my dad is waiting for my cousin to help me. My mother has now become manic and semi comatose. This is not the cousin I made the lunch date with, this is another one. This is Jesus, pronounced Hey Seuss, but I don't call him that. I will just call him my cousin.

After five minutes of hello's I now must find a ride to my cousin's house, which is by work, which is by Sonia's house. OH SHIT

I call my cousin from my mother's phone and Sonia from my cell phone. The call to my cousin went to voicemail, but Sonia answered.

"Where are you?" I asked

"I just left, I am down the street."

"Ok, now you turn around and come back to get me."

"What, but why? I just left you."

"Because my father, called my cousin, who is waiting for me, and he lives by you."

I live on the other side of town, 45 minutes from work, Sonia has no idea where she is, I give her directions and talk her back to my mom's house. She honks the horn and my ride begins.

I think it through and decide it's much better to take the interstate. We get in the lane with the red light ready to go to the interstate. My cell phone is dead but with a Sharpie marker I have jotted my cousin's cell phone on the palm of my hand. I grab her phone, with her porno ring tone (when it rings, there is club music in the background and a woman panting, all the phone needs is a disco light, with a wallpaper of some guy with a pompadour and too tight bell bottom pants with a too hairy chest to match, and of course the molestache, eww)

I call and it goes to voice mail, we are still waiting at the light. The woman with the orgasm begins to erupt out of the phone's speakers. I look to see the caller ID and it's my cousin.

"Hi, where are you, I am on the way to your house."

"I am by your mother's heading north." The light turns green.

"Sonia turn right, turn right! Do it!"

The Honda begins crossing at a turtle pace, although I am on full speed. She crosses over one, two, three lanes. My cousin is still on the phone. I am staring and my chauffeur, knowing I can't fire her, I bite my lip.

"My friend is dropping me off at McDonalds, pick me up there." I hang up. "I can't take you anywhere, you can't even drive right? When I say go, you are supposed to hit the gas. What was that back there, aren't you from New York? Who gave you a license?"

"That truck was going to hit me."

"The gas woman! You hit the gas, here is your porno phone!"

I hand her the phone and she drops me off at McDonalds. I thank her for the ride and wait for my cousin. Just standing there watching people come and go, for fifteen minutes. Then I see him.

The Mazda pulls up and before I get there the trunk is popped open, there is a huge plastic bin in the backseat, another gentleman, and the tops of two closet shelves, he was obviously clueless that he would be picking me up. The closet shelves are made of that white plastic covered thin iron, where they are spaced and you can hang clothes up in. He has that one hobby most Cuban men have of collecting parakeets, so this was just another piece to his make shift bird atrium in the backyard. The shelves do not fit in the trunk, he bends them and makes it work. I sit.

I wonder exactly what my dad planned, not having a clue on how to ask, knowing I am imposing, his wife eight months pregnant is in the front seat, we discuss the pregnancy.

Traffic was brutal and at 7 pm I am back at work, opening the hood and pointing out spaces and then I pull out the belt and hand it over. He looks at it and tells me it's done, I need a new one but it needs to be replaced ASAP. After half hour the belt is back on, I start the car, only to have the fucking belt pop right off, I sit in the curb with his wife, we watch the mechanics at work. He tells me I need a water pump pulley, that is why the AC went out. He also tells me he knows the car can make it to his house. About 20 minutes away. We jump my car and it starts for 5 seconds then dies. We jump it again and I rev it for a while, we drive away and 3 blocks down, due to the detour, we stall out in front of the Goodwill, by the donation area. The urge to leave the car and the keys subside as soon as I think about my credit rating.

He jumps my car again, and the car makes it to the rail road tracks on a very busy Tampa Rd. He decides to do the unthinkable (at least to me) he charges the broken car with his good battery and puts the bad battery in the good car, it doesn't work, but he is sure it will.

We do this again about five more times, until finally the damn thing starts, he drives my car to his house, the car made it.

We sit and take a breath then head out to the auto part store. He pulls up the pieces with the rep and the most important part is not in stock, of course not. So they tell us to go to Napa down the street, they should have it, and they close at 9PM, we have ten minutes. We walk out toward the car and he trips over the speed bump landing on his knee, but ok. Why would something as simple as walking to the car be uneventful. I get in and head to Napa, greeting us was a desolate office with no lights. It closed, we drove past it and he offers me his car for the next couple of days until I am back on my feet, it's a great idea. I look over and tell him the car is on empty. "No, it's not, the needle is broken."

"You want me to borrow a car that is always on empty and drive it around, do you know who I am?"

I gracefully decline, we go back to his house, where his ready to pop wife has served dinner. Dinner is white rice, rice con gris (this is rice with beans cooked into it) pork chops and yellow tomatoes. Not my taste but they insist and I feel horrible that they are eating too late. The pork chops were made with salt, adobo, and more salt. Two plates of rice later, I finish the pork chop, my mother is blowing up my phone because the kids want to go home. I am car-less and want to go, they ask for a little more time and they will take me. My cousin is sitting at the head of the table it is now 9:30 and I need to pick up my husband at 11 PM.

(What I failed to mention in this story is that my mother in law had a dr appt this morning and my husband got dropped off, so since he couldn't take his mother's car to work, I am his ride, wonderful.)

(Also, to stray even further from the story, my day started at 5 AM, my mother in law was ranting and screaming on a phone call at 5 AM this morning and my husband banged on the window screaming at her to shut up, at 5 AM the entire neighborhood heard her, but like us they don't understand Korean. We later found out that her sister passed away and felt instant regret at scolding her for sharing the conversation with our entire zip code.)

Back to the previously scheduled story...My cousin has taken off his shirt and his wife is bring out cream cheese and guava as dessert. I just want to go home. And he tells me after his shower he will take me. My mother calls again and tells me that my sister is on the way. Ten minutes later I am off to my mothers. Still clad in office clothes and heels. The bed is calling.

I get home and wait, my mother has offered her car to pick up my husband, no one knows where my mother in law is off to mourning. But before I ask, the door rings and she is there. She has no idea about my car, I don't want to disturb her, after all she has been planning to visit her sister and never had the chance to say good-bye. I hug her, offer condolences and we decide to take the kids home, and she will watch him while I pick up the husband.

The ride home was somber. I get home and walk through the door to doomsday, without me, the house is more like a sorority meeting place, cups, soda, plates, clothes strewn everywhere.
I have no time to dwell, get a bottle to feed mike d, who has not behaved, but his antics would make this a full fledged novel. My mother in law is taking longer than usual, I walk out and she has somehow bent the rod to the trunk, she bought new luggage for her trip to Korea and can't close the trunk. I watch and can't help but laugh, really, how am I going to drive with the trunk open, she slammed it and the back window didn't pop and shatter because Jesus must have been holding it. Knowing this is just overdoing it. Now he is just showing off. I call my oldest child over to help and he adjusts it to remove the rod and close the trunk. Now the trunk light is on, and this is just another fix I am going to have to do.

My mother calls, "I am picking up milk, do you want to use my car?"

"Sure mom, it will help."

"Ok, I will be there when I am done to pick up mike d."

You would think from that short conversation that she was bringing me the car, I waited until 10:45, ten minutes and I call her back.

"I am still getting milk and things, I just paid, I thought you were taking your mother in law's car, you can take mine tomorrow, I was just going to pick up mike d."

I run around the house looking for the keys, making it impossible with the mess, and making it worse. I flip books, magazines, clothes, her car keys are not here. I call her on her cell and she said to bring her the baby, I explain that my mom is picking him up.

"Then why did we bring him?"

"Because I needed to see him even for a little, she is down the street, no big deal, I need the keys, please bring them."

She runs over to bring the keys and my mom calls her, she is still not sure how to pick up the phone and they are on speaker. "I am on the way to pick up the baby."

"Why did we bring him, do what you want."

I leave the house, unsure of the outcome and without a cell phone. I have ten minutes to drive there, usually it takes me twenty. I make it in eleven.

He gets into the car and I omit 99% of this blog simply because I do not have my Xanax on it, and refuse to relive the day at 11PM at night. I borrow his phone and call Papo. "Our lunch date is cancelled, our cousin has the car and is fixing it, but thanks anyways."

It's not quite over yet-We get home and I tell him the keys are lost, he pulls them out of his pocket. Why the hell now, like David fucking Copperfield voila! I ask Diego if mike d is here or not...this is his response.

"Um, he went to the back, but I saw Conqui (Lucy)" That tells me nothing, if my mother was here, she could have gone through the gate and taken mike d home.

"Mom, do you have mike?"

"Michael, yes I have Michael. I went out side and he followed and there was a snake in his little car and he chased it. Then I chased him, so we ran around the backyard and the snake took off. He isn't scared of shit, and now he wants ice cream, it's midnight."

How can I not laugh, if I wouldn't laugh I would cry.

To Be Continued...