Michael's shoes

At 1:30pm after lunch, a call from my mother shouldn't scare me, but it does. I pick up the receiver to discuss an upcoming baby shower. I couldn't care less, but as the good little daughter (and her taking care of my little terror of a 2 yr old) I listen and resist the temptation to hang up on her. She wants to know about coupons, sales or any help I can give her in setting up.
I tell her about the Sunday specials and 40% off Michael's usually has and urge the wait. It will give me time and maintain my sanity. What the hell would I know about saving money at work just after lunch?
She agrees.
At 2:00pm another phone call from the same dreaded number causes me to shudder, I lift the receiver and hear her yelling, and my little mike d screaming in the background. "I can't find his shoes."
I don't know how to respond.
"He is kicking and screaming and wants the stickers and I can't find his shoe?"
"Where are you, what stickers?"
"I am at Michael's! I found some table decorations and there were stickers but he threw a tantrum when I put the stickers back and I lost a shoe?" He is still yelling and I swear I hear his legs and arms flailing, I know the performance well, it is quite a heart stopper.
Aside from that, why the hell is she at Michael's, has she not learned that there are certain places I just don't take him to in public, or by myself. I know one person can't handle the meltdown. And didn't I tell her to wait till the weekend half hour ago?
Two feet behind me is my supervisor and I can't scream obscenities to my mother in front of him.
I relax and calmly tell her to go back to the aisle and find the shoe, he has a good ten pairs, leave the fucking shoe there and go home.
I hang up and she calls back, shoe found, mike still crying.
The next call is also from a local area code, I anticipate that Michael's is calling me, my mother has been caught shoplifting and mike d is running around the store like a lunatic. I answer and it's my doctor's office.
"The results came back from your test and the antibiotic we gave you will not help, you need another antibiotic, and you need to start it asap."
Not sure which call was worse.
I give her the pharmacy number to call in the script. Another antibiotic, just dandy.
At 3:30pm, satan strikes again.
"Oh my god, I lost the shoe."
"Are you kidding me, I know you are joking?"
"No, I lost the shoe and the stupid lady at the counter won't go outside to look for it. She said that the other person is on break and she can't leave the register, I think that it's still in the cart, I had to bring him home crying. Call them and make them go look for it?"
Really woman, really.
"Mom the longest a break can last is half hour, if it's a lunch break. Let some time go by and call again. I am sure they will tell you if they found it."
My patience is thin.
Another ten minutes go by, another call.
"They don't pick up the carts till later, they don't know if the shoe is out there."
I am sure I look like Chandler Bing with the facial expressions I am giving over the phone wondering to myself, what the fuck do I do about that?????
I do not say a word. She hears me not saying a word. She tells me she will call me back and hangs up. At this point I want to walk mike d around barefoot till kindergarten.
On the way home, I wonder about the shoe and my cell phone rings.
"Look I am getting dinner ready, but I need you to pick him up quick, I need to go find the shoe, they still haven't brought in the carts."
"Mom, I can go, I am in the car."
"But it's out of your way."
"It's out of your way too, you are at home. I am in the car, I am going to pass your house and go to Michael's and drive around the parking lot until I find a shoe, even if I have pry it from the foot of the bum at Hop's whose balls hang out from the pants with no crotch. I will bring you back a shoe, I promise you that."
She has no choice but to agree. I blast the rock station and sing along, fighting traffic and an urge to potty.
I get to the shopping plaza and drive around in circles, I get out each time I see a cart that I can't tell what's inside, after many bags of Taco Bell, empty Gatorade bottles and a half eaten lollipop, I come across a tiny gray and red tennis shoe with a Velcro strap. BINGO
I don't bother calling and place the shoe between my legs, as if it were to fly out the window and elude me again.
I wait at a red light and once again, another call from Lucy.
"Where are you?"
"On my way to the pharmacy, then I drop off the shoe, then I pick up mike. I am almost there, I am by Fresh Market."
"Damn, I need something from there."
"Oh no you don't."
Silence.
"When you get here I will go."
"OK." said with a smile.
I go to the pharmacy and pick up my script, while I pay my husband calls me. I tell him where I am.
"Why are you there?"
"Because I need another antibiotic."
"For your hooha?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Considering that the guy next to me at the counter has a tattoo sleeve and is upset because they declined his medication coverage, after he obviously fell off the side of a mountain with the abrasions that he had on his head, neck and arms, I am sure me saying "hooha" would spark unwanted interest and he would know what I am talking about. Since I do not want to speak about the tata in public, I choose to just say uh-huh or uh-uh, as yes or no.
"That is what you get for reading those books."
I have now found another person whom I wish to bop over the head with a blunt metal object.
How is it that reading erotica has caused an infection, Einstein he is not.

I would like to take this time to let everyone know I am not avoiding the blog, but for the past week have been on an antibiotic that is literally putting me to sleep at work and at home, now I started one that has given me a migraine and nausea. Hopefully in a week I will be up and running regularly, although for the sake of my fictional book in progress, it may not be everyday. Hugs and kisses. -Bita