If you know me, you know I am intrigued by murder. So when there was a tour in Ybor City about The Good, the Bad and the Ugly I was excited to attend a tour that just may quench my thirst about the mafia past and the background of how Tampa and the mob connected. Unfortunately that tour was last week, and I missed it, this tour was more about the buildings, the people who came over from Italy and maybe Cuba, with rafts I think, I don't know how they got here, I didn't pay attention, but I do remember cigars, they came over to roll cigars. There was no murder involved so during the tour I found myself bored and amused at other things.
The tour started at 5 PM, my sister Mara picked me up and we headed there an hour early so that we could catch up and catch a drink pre-tour. Knowing my financial situation, I snuck in two shots at home before leaving. (Unbeknownst to my sister.) Then we got to New World Brewery and ordered raspberry beer, very yummy. We met up with my aunt Marta at the bar where the tour began, and I had yet another drink. Five o'clock came and went, so I order one more. Then we were told the tour would start and I couldn't take my drink, so I chugged it. You can't waste alcohol, that is sac religious.
By the time the tour started the two shots kicked in. I walked and tried to listen, but just like high school and history class, I found myself playing with my phone and wondering why
I drank so much.
My head was spinning and the I felt invincible. I don't know what gave it away exactly, but my sister kept moving further and further from me. From time to time I would find her among the crowd like a leprechaun, there weren't alot of people on the tour but it was like the big groups of people you see at Disney, where they wear the same T-shirts. I now understand the flag. My sister was shorter than most of the tour audience, and I wish she would have had a big four leaf clover to hold onto so I could point her out easier. Or a big Cuban flag that would help me find her. It was like Where is Waldo in real life, without the funny hat, glasses and striped shirt, much much more difficult.
I would spot her and in what I thought was a whisper would do the "Pssstttttt!" and motion my hand, waving it towards me so that she could sit next to me. At this point, in my drunken stupor I couldn't figure out why she would look at me like she did, with her lip gloss shining in the sunlight and her eyebrows would become one. Like a uni brow, our true facial origin. We must be related to Freda. The chick with the red dress, and one brow, possibly a mole, but we didn't have that, thank God. My sister Nina has a mole, and so does Tito, in the same spot with a hair in the middle, they call it the "genius mole" and the legend is if you remove the hair, their geniusness disappears, (the fact that they made up that word should be a hint in itself) so they both have the mole with a hair, although I don't know what the difference would be if I plucked it or not. They aren't the brightest crayons in the crayola box.
The tour went on and we walked around like tourists, even though this is my backyard. We stopped at a building and I had to pee, but so did other people. (Not just me Mara!) So I stood there doing the familiar pee-pee dance we all know. I wasn't sure about the men's bathroom being occupied, so I opened it slightly and saw a man in a striped shirt, who didn't notice I opened the door, he was facing the wall relieving himself. I slowly closed it. Went to the woman's stall and waited, and waited, I opened the door, and whichever skank was in it before me left the light on so it looked occupied. I walked in only to find out the door didn't lock. I waited until another person came up and told her the door didn't lock to please make sure no one came in to interrupt my peeing, when I am drunk it's not like I can open and close the faucet, if I get interrupted I may stand up and just pee everywhere, then what do I do? Have Mara take me home and have to do the walk of shame in front of the tour people, it may be the highlight of the tour and make it a most memorable tour but I didn't want to be known as the girl who peed herself on the Ybor tour, that would be the ugly part, and then I would be part of the tour and then...well I would have to do it each time and I don't know that peeing on myself once a month is going to be good for my skin...(not sure how I got this far from the subject...moving on). Well no one walked in, and I peed like a camel after a five mile trek through the desert.
We kept walking, I am sure I dozed off here and there, my sister watched from afar, surely putting curses on me like a witch in Salem. (you do know they burned people for that stuff back in the old days Mara! burned at the stake and thrown into a river!!!) I can tell by the dirty looks, she probably didn't pay attention either, had they handed out a booklet and a test, I probably would have done better by sheer smartness.
By the end of the tour, I lost my aunt couldn't find her, she probably had to explain to her friends that I am a hermit and was drinking like a college student because I never get out of the house and was taking in all I could like cramming for an exam. I failed the exam, but whatever.
My sister was babysitting just fine. I didn't get hit by a car crossing the street, or arrested. I made it home in one peace and sober. My drunkness time span spent with her. I will be looking for more tours to have her take me too. Like Driving Miss Daisy, but more like the designated driver for Miss Drunky Mc Drunk Drunk. And to think I almost had a shot of tequila, that would have been just dandy. Then there would be another murder in Ybor to include on the tour.
The tour started at 5 PM, my sister Mara picked me up and we headed there an hour early so that we could catch up and catch a drink pre-tour. Knowing my financial situation, I snuck in two shots at home before leaving. (Unbeknownst to my sister.) Then we got to New World Brewery and ordered raspberry beer, very yummy. We met up with my aunt Marta at the bar where the tour began, and I had yet another drink. Five o'clock came and went, so I order one more. Then we were told the tour would start and I couldn't take my drink, so I chugged it. You can't waste alcohol, that is sac religious.
By the time the tour started the two shots kicked in. I walked and tried to listen, but just like high school and history class, I found myself playing with my phone and wondering why
I drank so much.
My head was spinning and the I felt invincible. I don't know what gave it away exactly, but my sister kept moving further and further from me. From time to time I would find her among the crowd like a leprechaun, there weren't alot of people on the tour but it was like the big groups of people you see at Disney, where they wear the same T-shirts. I now understand the flag. My sister was shorter than most of the tour audience, and I wish she would have had a big four leaf clover to hold onto so I could point her out easier. Or a big Cuban flag that would help me find her. It was like Where is Waldo in real life, without the funny hat, glasses and striped shirt, much much more difficult.
I would spot her and in what I thought was a whisper would do the "Pssstttttt!" and motion my hand, waving it towards me so that she could sit next to me. At this point, in my drunken stupor I couldn't figure out why she would look at me like she did, with her lip gloss shining in the sunlight and her eyebrows would become one. Like a uni brow, our true facial origin. We must be related to Freda. The chick with the red dress, and one brow, possibly a mole, but we didn't have that, thank God. My sister Nina has a mole, and so does Tito, in the same spot with a hair in the middle, they call it the "genius mole" and the legend is if you remove the hair, their geniusness disappears, (the fact that they made up that word should be a hint in itself) so they both have the mole with a hair, although I don't know what the difference would be if I plucked it or not. They aren't the brightest crayons in the crayola box.
The tour went on and we walked around like tourists, even though this is my backyard. We stopped at a building and I had to pee, but so did other people. (Not just me Mara!) So I stood there doing the familiar pee-pee dance we all know. I wasn't sure about the men's bathroom being occupied, so I opened it slightly and saw a man in a striped shirt, who didn't notice I opened the door, he was facing the wall relieving himself. I slowly closed it. Went to the woman's stall and waited, and waited, I opened the door, and whichever skank was in it before me left the light on so it looked occupied. I walked in only to find out the door didn't lock. I waited until another person came up and told her the door didn't lock to please make sure no one came in to interrupt my peeing, when I am drunk it's not like I can open and close the faucet, if I get interrupted I may stand up and just pee everywhere, then what do I do? Have Mara take me home and have to do the walk of shame in front of the tour people, it may be the highlight of the tour and make it a most memorable tour but I didn't want to be known as the girl who peed herself on the Ybor tour, that would be the ugly part, and then I would be part of the tour and then...well I would have to do it each time and I don't know that peeing on myself once a month is going to be good for my skin...(not sure how I got this far from the subject...moving on). Well no one walked in, and I peed like a camel after a five mile trek through the desert.
We kept walking, I am sure I dozed off here and there, my sister watched from afar, surely putting curses on me like a witch in Salem. (you do know they burned people for that stuff back in the old days Mara! burned at the stake and thrown into a river!!!) I can tell by the dirty looks, she probably didn't pay attention either, had they handed out a booklet and a test, I probably would have done better by sheer smartness.
By the end of the tour, I lost my aunt couldn't find her, she probably had to explain to her friends that I am a hermit and was drinking like a college student because I never get out of the house and was taking in all I could like cramming for an exam. I failed the exam, but whatever.
My sister was babysitting just fine. I didn't get hit by a car crossing the street, or arrested. I made it home in one peace and sober. My drunkness time span spent with her. I will be looking for more tours to have her take me too. Like Driving Miss Daisy, but more like the designated driver for Miss Drunky Mc Drunk Drunk. And to think I almost had a shot of tequila, that would have been just dandy. Then there would be another murder in Ybor to include on the tour.
So I went to a tour in Ybor and all I got was a picture of Jose Marti's ass.
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