My mother in law hands me a paper, I put it down and walk away, Sunday is busy for me, I try to do everything I couldn't do the prior week.
"I need to be at the airport at 4." She says.
"In the morning?"
"No, late time." She means afternoon. My husband just started a new position, he will not be dropping off the delivery at the airport, and I need 3 days notice. I call around and realize I must take unplanned time off, just great.
I go to the back to talk to her, she is preparing for the trip, her luggage is open. Just one solitary piece, big enough to hold Juno if she wanted to take him for the lunch special #7.
She is taking a couple pants, multiple shirts (we are big on granimals) and medication. We have 2 bottles of Tylenol, and the same thing in generic, she thinks it's different, I just nod, vitamins and lotions, and 6 bags of cinnamon discs. Her main source of nutrition, and possibly the reason for her many dentist appointments and even more dizzy spells.
I go by the list of all the important things, flight information, cash, change, visa, passport. She is surprisingly prepared.
And this comes as a shocker, since she is on her second beer for the night. She is self medicating to sleep well. (Apparently Tylenol PM, did not make the cut)I lay in her bed and try to get mike d to sleep, it is bedtime for all of us, especially drunkie. She steps outside to smoke and I take off the lights and tv, not being familiar with her room, I feel my way back to the bed and stay quiet.
I hear movement and wonder if mike d is flipping around, waiting for a yawn. Her light is in the middle of the ceiling with a long cord hanging just low enough for a child to tug and switch the light on and off. A dresser in the middle of the room. You guessed it. The light turns on and mike d is clapping and standing on the dresser drawer. The words "I did it." slightly detected. I try to grab him and take him to my room, he holds on to the pillows and covers and screams, this is her last night here, her trip is bittersweet, the loss of a sibling must be devestating, she is still mourning. The two months will feel like a lifetime.
I get up and turn the light off after the mini meltdown, now the tv magically comes to life, The Wonder Pets, as the hamster flies in a soccer outfit to Italy to help a duck, really? He starts to dance and spin.
I sit up and wait for more electronic devices to perk up. Mike d opens the fridge and brings me the bottle. I warm it.
The mother in law comes in. She explains I heated it up too much, of course I did.
Mike d is now on the bean bag, the green one with silver electric tape covering the holes made by Juno and mike d. His feet swing on the tv stand from side to side. She explains and argues that he needs to sleep and it's her turn to watch the world poker tournament. Negotiating with a 2 year old is fun. He places his hands on his ears and screams as he stares at the ceiling. Oh joy.
"Now my turn, you had all day. You write." She hands him pencils, he flings them across the room. I feel like I am watching that tv show Top Shots in 3D as the pencils fly in the air, the shooting reality show, where they shoot different weapons.
She picks them up and encourages him to climb on her back to sleep. I sit by the side and watch, not leaving the two of them alone. Knowing that this is the perfect mixture for a 911 call in the making. She explains how I should sing to him to sleep in korean. She starts off slow, possibly in soprano. Then with each syllable she takes a step, she kicks like a horse and commands something when he lifts his head, he plops his head back down, she continues. I watch and listen, I don't know that I could sing it, but I could hum it. She sings the same lyrics over and over. He finally falls asleep and I step outside, close to midnight now.
My room and her room share a wall, I walk outside and I lean into the window in the back of her apartment/room. I see where she is now laying on the bean bag, her candies in one hand the remote in the other. She covers herself with a blanket and watches the World Poker Tournament, mike d sound asleep at her side. She carresses his head in grandmotherly affection. *Sigh*
Although she drives me to drink the strong stuff, she has no clue how much she will be missed.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Laptop in Stable Condition
25 lashes for me.
Actually more for my child, mike d strikes again.
Last Friday I logged on to nick jr and found a Blue's Clues game for mike d, we played for hours as my hubby watched his beloved history channel.
It was hide and seek, a toddler's face shows up and you push any key and then the toddler hides behind a plant, then you push another key and they reappear screaming out "Peek a Boo!", making my little imp laugh and giggle uncontrolably, the sound is just priceless.
I have had to resort to making up games around the house, we have 2 tvs now, meaning that keeping a 2 year old busy is more work since he seems to find enjoyment in emptying pantries, drawers and coloring on walls. About a month ago, diego decided that putting the tv on the top bunk was a great way to keep it from mike d, and mike d is not the type to just let things go, we aren't sure exactly how he did it, but I imagine that he hung from the cord like Tarzan and swung aroung until the cord popped, so now their tv (a flatscreen) is used as a lego stand. The cord ripped from the back, I don't think that there is any way to revive it. And if hubby/Bob Villa/Bob the Builder/Homer Simpson tries to fix it, I am sure it will end up like the contraption ET made to contact his parents in space. But that may not be a bad thing, the kids will get to communicate with aliens, maybe.
So here we are, Tito is watching his tv with diego and I am sitting with mike d, my hubby decides to get ice cream, we all hop in the car. He googled and came up with "The Old Meeting Place" and it must be a secret club for ice cream fanatics, because we searched high and low and ended up at Publix.
Coming home, we all gathered in the kitchen with the ice cream bowls, joking and laughing, having a wonderful family moment.
In the living room was mike d with the new laptop open and the control button in one hand, thank god the ice cream cooled down the fuming hubby. This is where the time outs began.
Mike d was sent to his room, kicking and screaming. Hubby sat with the laptop trying to figure out how to fix it, I watched and prayed that he would not try too hard, knowing that one alien communicator is more than enough.
He looks at me from time to time. Yes, I know, I played Blue's Clues and he was probably trying to play some more, he really didn't need to tell me anything, and for his health, it was best for him to shut up, peace would have been him giving up the history channel for my sanity and indulging in some Yo Gabba Gabba.
The next day, hubby and laptop trekked off to Best Buy, and the laptop was admitted to the laptop institution, or where ever they are shipped to get fixed when kids, dogs or humans mix with electronic devices and things get out of hand.
It's been a week since I have not had a lap top, and I have not been able to blog or write. I have had to use the old cute net book, it's not horrible, but it is not very comfy to type on, for one it's tiny. See below.
Actually more for my child, mike d strikes again.
Last Friday I logged on to nick jr and found a Blue's Clues game for mike d, we played for hours as my hubby watched his beloved history channel.
It was hide and seek, a toddler's face shows up and you push any key and then the toddler hides behind a plant, then you push another key and they reappear screaming out "Peek a Boo!", making my little imp laugh and giggle uncontrolably, the sound is just priceless.
I have had to resort to making up games around the house, we have 2 tvs now, meaning that keeping a 2 year old busy is more work since he seems to find enjoyment in emptying pantries, drawers and coloring on walls. About a month ago, diego decided that putting the tv on the top bunk was a great way to keep it from mike d, and mike d is not the type to just let things go, we aren't sure exactly how he did it, but I imagine that he hung from the cord like Tarzan and swung aroung until the cord popped, so now their tv (a flatscreen) is used as a lego stand. The cord ripped from the back, I don't think that there is any way to revive it. And if hubby/Bob Villa/Bob the Builder/Homer Simpson tries to fix it, I am sure it will end up like the contraption ET made to contact his parents in space. But that may not be a bad thing, the kids will get to communicate with aliens, maybe.
So here we are, Tito is watching his tv with diego and I am sitting with mike d, my hubby decides to get ice cream, we all hop in the car. He googled and came up with "The Old Meeting Place" and it must be a secret club for ice cream fanatics, because we searched high and low and ended up at Publix.
Coming home, we all gathered in the kitchen with the ice cream bowls, joking and laughing, having a wonderful family moment.
In the living room was mike d with the new laptop open and the control button in one hand, thank god the ice cream cooled down the fuming hubby. This is where the time outs began.
Mike d was sent to his room, kicking and screaming. Hubby sat with the laptop trying to figure out how to fix it, I watched and prayed that he would not try too hard, knowing that one alien communicator is more than enough.
He looks at me from time to time. Yes, I know, I played Blue's Clues and he was probably trying to play some more, he really didn't need to tell me anything, and for his health, it was best for him to shut up, peace would have been him giving up the history channel for my sanity and indulging in some Yo Gabba Gabba.
The next day, hubby and laptop trekked off to Best Buy, and the laptop was admitted to the laptop institution, or where ever they are shipped to get fixed when kids, dogs or humans mix with electronic devices and things get out of hand.
It's been a week since I have not had a lap top, and I have not been able to blog or write. I have had to use the old cute net book, it's not horrible, but it is not very comfy to type on, for one it's tiny. See below.
But that's not the best part.
Monday my hubby was on the juiced up blackberry and all was well.
I come home and open it up, not one but two keys were missing, and the o button is a parapalegic. It is lopsided and you have to press it more than once to type.
So please understand my temporary departure from blogging, I had to take a couple of bereavement days and adjust to this abortion of a laptop in order to continue with my blogging ways.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Michael's shoes
At 1:30pm after lunch, a call from my mother shouldn't scare me, but it does. I pick up the receiver to discuss an upcoming baby shower. I couldn't care less, but as the good little daughter (and her taking care of my little terror of a 2 yr old) I listen and resist the temptation to hang up on her. She wants to know about coupons, sales or any help I can give her in setting up.
I tell her about the Sunday specials and 40% off Michael's usually has and urge the wait. It will give me time and maintain my sanity. What the hell would I know about saving money at work just after lunch?
She agrees.
At 2:00pm another phone call from the same dreaded number causes me to shudder, I lift the receiver and hear her yelling, and my little mike d screaming in the background. "I can't find his shoes."
I don't know how to respond.
"He is kicking and screaming and wants the stickers and I can't find his shoe?"
"Where are you, what stickers?"
"I am at Michael's! I found some table decorations and there were stickers but he threw a tantrum when I put the stickers back and I lost a shoe?" He is still yelling and I swear I hear his legs and arms flailing, I know the performance well, it is quite a heart stopper.
Aside from that, why the hell is she at Michael's, has she not learned that there are certain places I just don't take him to in public, or by myself. I know one person can't handle the meltdown. And didn't I tell her to wait till the weekend half hour ago?
Two feet behind me is my supervisor and I can't scream obscenities to my mother in front of him.
I relax and calmly tell her to go back to the aisle and find the shoe, he has a good ten pairs, leave the fucking shoe there and go home.
I hang up and she calls back, shoe found, mike still crying.
The next call is also from a local area code, I anticipate that Michael's is calling me, my mother has been caught shoplifting and mike d is running around the store like a lunatic. I answer and it's my doctor's office.
"The results came back from your test and the antibiotic we gave you will not help, you need another antibiotic, and you need to start it asap."
Not sure which call was worse.
I give her the pharmacy number to call in the script. Another antibiotic, just dandy.
At 3:30pm, satan strikes again.
"Oh my god, I lost the shoe."
"Are you kidding me, I know you are joking?"
"No, I lost the shoe and the stupid lady at the counter won't go outside to look for it. She said that the other person is on break and she can't leave the register, I think that it's still in the cart, I had to bring him home crying. Call them and make them go look for it?"
Really woman, really.
"Mom the longest a break can last is half hour, if it's a lunch break. Let some time go by and call again. I am sure they will tell you if they found it."
My patience is thin.
Another ten minutes go by, another call.
"They don't pick up the carts till later, they don't know if the shoe is out there."
I am sure I look like Chandler Bing with the facial expressions I am giving over the phone wondering to myself, what the fuck do I do about that?????
I do not say a word. She hears me not saying a word. She tells me she will call me back and hangs up. At this point I want to walk mike d around barefoot till kindergarten.
On the way home, I wonder about the shoe and my cell phone rings.
"Look I am getting dinner ready, but I need you to pick him up quick, I need to go find the shoe, they still haven't brought in the carts."
"Mom, I can go, I am in the car."
"But it's out of your way."
"It's out of your way too, you are at home. I am in the car, I am going to pass your house and go to Michael's and drive around the parking lot until I find a shoe, even if I have pry it from the foot of the bum at Hop's whose balls hang out from the pants with no crotch. I will bring you back a shoe, I promise you that."
She has no choice but to agree. I blast the rock station and sing along, fighting traffic and an urge to potty.
I get to the shopping plaza and drive around in circles, I get out each time I see a cart that I can't tell what's inside, after many bags of Taco Bell, empty Gatorade bottles and a half eaten lollipop, I come across a tiny gray and red tennis shoe with a Velcro strap. BINGO
I don't bother calling and place the shoe between my legs, as if it were to fly out the window and elude me again.
I wait at a red light and once again, another call from Lucy.
"Where are you?"
"On my way to the pharmacy, then I drop off the shoe, then I pick up mike. I am almost there, I am by Fresh Market."
"Damn, I need something from there."
"Oh no you don't."
Silence.
"When you get here I will go."
"OK." said with a smile.
I go to the pharmacy and pick up my script, while I pay my husband calls me. I tell him where I am.
"Why are you there?"
"Because I need another antibiotic."
"For your hooha?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Considering that the guy next to me at the counter has a tattoo sleeve and is upset because they declined his medication coverage, after he obviously fell off the side of a mountain with the abrasions that he had on his head, neck and arms, I am sure me saying "hooha" would spark unwanted interest and he would know what I am talking about. Since I do not want to speak about the tata in public, I choose to just say uh-huh or uh-uh, as yes or no.
"That is what you get for reading those books."
I have now found another person whom I wish to bop over the head with a blunt metal object.
How is it that reading erotica has caused an infection, Einstein he is not.
I would like to take this time to let everyone know I am not avoiding the blog, but for the past week have been on an antibiotic that is literally putting me to sleep at work and at home, now I started one that has given me a migraine and nausea. Hopefully in a week I will be up and running regularly, although for the sake of my fictional book in progress, it may not be everyday. Hugs and kisses. -Bita
I tell her about the Sunday specials and 40% off Michael's usually has and urge the wait. It will give me time and maintain my sanity. What the hell would I know about saving money at work just after lunch?
She agrees.
At 2:00pm another phone call from the same dreaded number causes me to shudder, I lift the receiver and hear her yelling, and my little mike d screaming in the background. "I can't find his shoes."
I don't know how to respond.
"He is kicking and screaming and wants the stickers and I can't find his shoe?"
"Where are you, what stickers?"
"I am at Michael's! I found some table decorations and there were stickers but he threw a tantrum when I put the stickers back and I lost a shoe?" He is still yelling and I swear I hear his legs and arms flailing, I know the performance well, it is quite a heart stopper.
Aside from that, why the hell is she at Michael's, has she not learned that there are certain places I just don't take him to in public, or by myself. I know one person can't handle the meltdown. And didn't I tell her to wait till the weekend half hour ago?
Two feet behind me is my supervisor and I can't scream obscenities to my mother in front of him.
I relax and calmly tell her to go back to the aisle and find the shoe, he has a good ten pairs, leave the fucking shoe there and go home.
I hang up and she calls back, shoe found, mike still crying.
The next call is also from a local area code, I anticipate that Michael's is calling me, my mother has been caught shoplifting and mike d is running around the store like a lunatic. I answer and it's my doctor's office.
"The results came back from your test and the antibiotic we gave you will not help, you need another antibiotic, and you need to start it asap."
Not sure which call was worse.
I give her the pharmacy number to call in the script. Another antibiotic, just dandy.
At 3:30pm, satan strikes again.
"Oh my god, I lost the shoe."
"Are you kidding me, I know you are joking?"
"No, I lost the shoe and the stupid lady at the counter won't go outside to look for it. She said that the other person is on break and she can't leave the register, I think that it's still in the cart, I had to bring him home crying. Call them and make them go look for it?"
Really woman, really.
"Mom the longest a break can last is half hour, if it's a lunch break. Let some time go by and call again. I am sure they will tell you if they found it."
My patience is thin.
Another ten minutes go by, another call.
"They don't pick up the carts till later, they don't know if the shoe is out there."
I am sure I look like Chandler Bing with the facial expressions I am giving over the phone wondering to myself, what the fuck do I do about that?????
I do not say a word. She hears me not saying a word. She tells me she will call me back and hangs up. At this point I want to walk mike d around barefoot till kindergarten.
On the way home, I wonder about the shoe and my cell phone rings.
"Look I am getting dinner ready, but I need you to pick him up quick, I need to go find the shoe, they still haven't brought in the carts."
"Mom, I can go, I am in the car."
"But it's out of your way."
"It's out of your way too, you are at home. I am in the car, I am going to pass your house and go to Michael's and drive around the parking lot until I find a shoe, even if I have pry it from the foot of the bum at Hop's whose balls hang out from the pants with no crotch. I will bring you back a shoe, I promise you that."
She has no choice but to agree. I blast the rock station and sing along, fighting traffic and an urge to potty.
I get to the shopping plaza and drive around in circles, I get out each time I see a cart that I can't tell what's inside, after many bags of Taco Bell, empty Gatorade bottles and a half eaten lollipop, I come across a tiny gray and red tennis shoe with a Velcro strap. BINGO
I don't bother calling and place the shoe between my legs, as if it were to fly out the window and elude me again.
I wait at a red light and once again, another call from Lucy.
"Where are you?"
"On my way to the pharmacy, then I drop off the shoe, then I pick up mike. I am almost there, I am by Fresh Market."
"Damn, I need something from there."
"Oh no you don't."
Silence.
"When you get here I will go."
"OK." said with a smile.
I go to the pharmacy and pick up my script, while I pay my husband calls me. I tell him where I am.
"Why are you there?"
"Because I need another antibiotic."
"For your hooha?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Considering that the guy next to me at the counter has a tattoo sleeve and is upset because they declined his medication coverage, after he obviously fell off the side of a mountain with the abrasions that he had on his head, neck and arms, I am sure me saying "hooha" would spark unwanted interest and he would know what I am talking about. Since I do not want to speak about the tata in public, I choose to just say uh-huh or uh-uh, as yes or no.
"That is what you get for reading those books."
I have now found another person whom I wish to bop over the head with a blunt metal object.
How is it that reading erotica has caused an infection, Einstein he is not.
I would like to take this time to let everyone know I am not avoiding the blog, but for the past week have been on an antibiotic that is literally putting me to sleep at work and at home, now I started one that has given me a migraine and nausea. Hopefully in a week I will be up and running regularly, although for the sake of my fictional book in progress, it may not be everyday. Hugs and kisses. -Bita
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wendy's To Go
Fridays are potato day at work. For $1.50 you get a potato and load it up with as much cheese, bacon, and butter as your arteries allow.
Most Fridays we go out to lunch because although the toppings are tempting, the potato looks more like last week's leftovers.
I like to try new things, but having worked in the same building for five years makes this rather difficult. Wendy's is an option, I want Taco Hell but we opt for Wendy's. Sonia has been begging for Wendy's since the last time, when I almost hit a parked truck. We flew out of the drive thru towards a truck backing up, I totally missed my aim and well, depth perception in my little roach of a car is easier said than done. We didn't hit it, but we sure as hell made a memory.
I have a driving reputation to uphold.
We drive to Wendy's and look over the menu, debating as we wait. I refuse to pay $6 for a salad that fits in the palm of my hand. It's full of lettuce, which to me is more like air crisps. Outback salads are a monstrosity and I still manage to bitch about their $11 price tag. We get up to the drive thru and I begin to order.
"Yes, can I get a uh, number two with no pickles, no mustard, no mayonnaise, no onions, fries and a coke." I look over to her, "Are you sure you want the fuckin pattie, the buns, and the lettuce, because they would give you the sandwich wrapper and we could play pretend?"
Sonia is picky and I am sarcastic, it works.
"That'll be $7.05."
Sonia's eyes are bulging, "The prices went up. Seven dollars?"
"Inflation! I told you we should do pizza."
"What do you think." I hesitate, obviously Wendy's is no longer as glamorous an establishment as she thought.
"Can we cancel that order?"
The voice from the speaker surprisingly audible, "Is there something wrong?"
"Yes, I left my purse, and I wanna cancel, can I cancel?"
I hear nothing and begin to drive away.
Turning towards the pick up window, a balding man with beads of sweat on the top of his head is waving me down, I am a good ten feet away.
"Lady, take the food and bring the money later."
"I have half an hour and I can't come back." He waves me off like a smelly fart.
I drive off and look at Sonia, "He does not know who I am, I wouldn't have ever come back, hell I ain't coming back anyways. How can I show my face after ordering a pattie and the bun, being super picky and leaving the perfectly bland sandwich, you know they throw that shit out."
"It's too expensive." She repeats.
"I know, you do realize we could've gotten free food."
We haul ass to the pizza place, she is on the porno phone calling and looking up to place the order, there is no way we will get back to work on time, not without the Back to the Future car and Doc leading the way.
As I pull into the parking lot of the pizzeria she gets the phone number from google, I look over to the door with the phone number listed, a private dick she is not.
We call in the pizza, go in and wait. Take the pizza pie to work and divide the pizza in half, my half is all of four slices that I strategically place tetris style one on top of the other. Since pizza is the crowd favorite at work and I was not planning it, I felt guilty and hid the plate in my overhead bin, so that no one would drool, making me have to offer a slice. I ate my four slices and Sonia came over with one, it was full of that red crushed pepper and I took a wet napkin to clean it off. After a half hour the carb overload was setting in and I was falling asleep at my desk. Soda is good now, I snatched a soda from Nikke, since I was in dire need of caffeine this was an emergency and she just had no choice.
As we left the office I watched Sonia walking away, and it hit me. She unconsciously made me want Wendy's. She had her red hair in ponytails, towards the back of her head, was wearing jean shorts and a red shirt. She was Wendy, no wonder she is obsessed with that place, she plays dress up every Friday, thinking I would never catch on. I now know her secret.
Most Fridays we go out to lunch because although the toppings are tempting, the potato looks more like last week's leftovers.
I like to try new things, but having worked in the same building for five years makes this rather difficult. Wendy's is an option, I want Taco Hell but we opt for Wendy's. Sonia has been begging for Wendy's since the last time, when I almost hit a parked truck. We flew out of the drive thru towards a truck backing up, I totally missed my aim and well, depth perception in my little roach of a car is easier said than done. We didn't hit it, but we sure as hell made a memory.
I have a driving reputation to uphold.
We drive to Wendy's and look over the menu, debating as we wait. I refuse to pay $6 for a salad that fits in the palm of my hand. It's full of lettuce, which to me is more like air crisps. Outback salads are a monstrosity and I still manage to bitch about their $11 price tag. We get up to the drive thru and I begin to order.
"Yes, can I get a uh, number two with no pickles, no mustard, no mayonnaise, no onions, fries and a coke." I look over to her, "Are you sure you want the fuckin pattie, the buns, and the lettuce, because they would give you the sandwich wrapper and we could play pretend?"
Sonia is picky and I am sarcastic, it works.
"That'll be $7.05."
Sonia's eyes are bulging, "The prices went up. Seven dollars?"
"Inflation! I told you we should do pizza."
"What do you think." I hesitate, obviously Wendy's is no longer as glamorous an establishment as she thought.
"Can we cancel that order?"
The voice from the speaker surprisingly audible, "Is there something wrong?"
"Yes, I left my purse, and I wanna cancel, can I cancel?"
I hear nothing and begin to drive away.
Turning towards the pick up window, a balding man with beads of sweat on the top of his head is waving me down, I am a good ten feet away.
"Lady, take the food and bring the money later."
"I have half an hour and I can't come back." He waves me off like a smelly fart.
I drive off and look at Sonia, "He does not know who I am, I wouldn't have ever come back, hell I ain't coming back anyways. How can I show my face after ordering a pattie and the bun, being super picky and leaving the perfectly bland sandwich, you know they throw that shit out."
"It's too expensive." She repeats.
"I know, you do realize we could've gotten free food."
We haul ass to the pizza place, she is on the porno phone calling and looking up to place the order, there is no way we will get back to work on time, not without the Back to the Future car and Doc leading the way.
As I pull into the parking lot of the pizzeria she gets the phone number from google, I look over to the door with the phone number listed, a private dick she is not.
We call in the pizza, go in and wait. Take the pizza pie to work and divide the pizza in half, my half is all of four slices that I strategically place tetris style one on top of the other. Since pizza is the crowd favorite at work and I was not planning it, I felt guilty and hid the plate in my overhead bin, so that no one would drool, making me have to offer a slice. I ate my four slices and Sonia came over with one, it was full of that red crushed pepper and I took a wet napkin to clean it off. After a half hour the carb overload was setting in and I was falling asleep at my desk. Soda is good now, I snatched a soda from Nikke, since I was in dire need of caffeine this was an emergency and she just had no choice.
As we left the office I watched Sonia walking away, and it hit me. She unconsciously made me want Wendy's. She had her red hair in ponytails, towards the back of her head, was wearing jean shorts and a red shirt. She was Wendy, no wonder she is obsessed with that place, she plays dress up every Friday, thinking I would never catch on. I now know her secret.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Car is Revived
My husband dropped me off at work, my car still at my cousin's.
For the entire day my focus was not on my car, but more on the erupting volcano that is in my pants. After spending the day walking around like I was just horseback riding, I call the dr and make an appt. They can see me at 3pm, but without a car, that isn't an option. I schedule the appt for 8:45am, better.
Sonia is my ride home. Between my mother and her calling, we decide it's best I go home. I am not a mechanic, I only know how to drive cars and pump gas. I still can't tell the difference between a Honda and a Lexus from far away, pissing off my husband to no end.
She is on the way to take me home, the man behind the moustache (dad) calls. And here we go.
"Hi daddy."
He insists on me going to my cousin's and waiting for the car, no if's and's or but's. I look over at Sonia and tell her to make the next left. She hesitates by the sudden change of direction.
"I think it's you. You are the factor, whenever I am with you my plans go to shit. No my dad is making me go to my cousin's, you are no longer my chauffeur."
She laughs.
We head to my cousin's and there in the driveway is my car. No one working on it, no one outside, my father is a dead man.
I get out and wish her good-bye, thanking her again.
My cousin comes out "It's done."
"Done?"
"Yep, just finished."
OH MY GOD, I have a car again, no more taxis.
I am so excited, then realize I can't just ditch them, I should stay and chat. So I sat outside as they told me all about how they lifted the engine, replaced the parts, and tested the car.
An hour goes by and I pick up my things and leave. The car is driving like a champ, even the air conditioning works.
Thrilled by the surprise I play music and sing along all the way to my mom's house.
Today has been great, aside from the lop sided step I have now acquired, the day has gone just dandy. I go home, clean a little, blog, hang out with mike d.
I decide to do laundry and flip the switch to the light. When my finger hits the switch there is a loud buzz and a jolt of electricity has just gone down my right arm. I scream out a very loud yelp.
I stand there literally shocked, and look at the switch. I run to the kitchen and turn on the light expecting to find my nail popped off or a black spot at the tip of my finger, I find neither. Laundry is now cancelled.
The back of my house is pitch black without that light turned on, from now on, I will only do laundry during daylight hours. There is lingering pain in my arm and I wonder if I have super powers. I focus on mike d and stare, squinting and completely focus, waiting for him to pass out on the couch. Nothing.
I look to the kitchen sink, stare and squint, waiting for the dishes to clean themselves, hoping that of all powers, I am now Mary Poppins with the ability to make things happen. Nothing.
I go outside and give up, praying at least for fire starting powers. Pull out a cigarette and again stare and focus and squint. Shit.
I light the cigarette, get online and play Family Feud on facebook. After half and hour, I have at least beat my sister Nina's top score. At least I could do that.
My car is fixed, I don't have to do laundry and hopefully I see the choachologist tomorrow and get antibiotics for this horrible infection. I pee and it burns, I cough and there is a flower blossoming, I call it the charfurneta. Don't ask me where I got the name, it's a long story. By the weekend hopefully charfu is better and clear of her current cough and I can spend the weekend doing laundry and messing up the bed between loads. Haha I said load. Good night.
For the entire day my focus was not on my car, but more on the erupting volcano that is in my pants. After spending the day walking around like I was just horseback riding, I call the dr and make an appt. They can see me at 3pm, but without a car, that isn't an option. I schedule the appt for 8:45am, better.
Sonia is my ride home. Between my mother and her calling, we decide it's best I go home. I am not a mechanic, I only know how to drive cars and pump gas. I still can't tell the difference between a Honda and a Lexus from far away, pissing off my husband to no end.
She is on the way to take me home, the man behind the moustache (dad) calls. And here we go.
"Hi daddy."
He insists on me going to my cousin's and waiting for the car, no if's and's or but's. I look over at Sonia and tell her to make the next left. She hesitates by the sudden change of direction.
"I think it's you. You are the factor, whenever I am with you my plans go to shit. No my dad is making me go to my cousin's, you are no longer my chauffeur."
She laughs.
We head to my cousin's and there in the driveway is my car. No one working on it, no one outside, my father is a dead man.
I get out and wish her good-bye, thanking her again.
My cousin comes out "It's done."
"Done?"
"Yep, just finished."
OH MY GOD, I have a car again, no more taxis.
I am so excited, then realize I can't just ditch them, I should stay and chat. So I sat outside as they told me all about how they lifted the engine, replaced the parts, and tested the car.
An hour goes by and I pick up my things and leave. The car is driving like a champ, even the air conditioning works.
Thrilled by the surprise I play music and sing along all the way to my mom's house.
Today has been great, aside from the lop sided step I have now acquired, the day has gone just dandy. I go home, clean a little, blog, hang out with mike d.
I decide to do laundry and flip the switch to the light. When my finger hits the switch there is a loud buzz and a jolt of electricity has just gone down my right arm. I scream out a very loud yelp.
I stand there literally shocked, and look at the switch. I run to the kitchen and turn on the light expecting to find my nail popped off or a black spot at the tip of my finger, I find neither. Laundry is now cancelled.
The back of my house is pitch black without that light turned on, from now on, I will only do laundry during daylight hours. There is lingering pain in my arm and I wonder if I have super powers. I focus on mike d and stare, squinting and completely focus, waiting for him to pass out on the couch. Nothing.
I look to the kitchen sink, stare and squint, waiting for the dishes to clean themselves, hoping that of all powers, I am now Mary Poppins with the ability to make things happen. Nothing.
I go outside and give up, praying at least for fire starting powers. Pull out a cigarette and again stare and focus and squint. Shit.
I light the cigarette, get online and play Family Feud on facebook. After half and hour, I have at least beat my sister Nina's top score. At least I could do that.
My car is fixed, I don't have to do laundry and hopefully I see the choachologist tomorrow and get antibiotics for this horrible infection. I pee and it burns, I cough and there is a flower blossoming, I call it the charfurneta. Don't ask me where I got the name, it's a long story. By the weekend hopefully charfu is better and clear of her current cough and I can spend the weekend doing laundry and messing up the bed between loads. Haha I said load. Good night.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Day the Car Died
There are few things that I am passionate about, during lunch it was food vs smoking. With a dollar to my name the decision was quite simple. I drove across the street because they have banned smoking at the building. (Really)
So I put put over to the parking lot across the street, my dear Rosa and Renee came over to keep me company for a few moments, then they left. Me being a bad ass wanted that last cigarette and told them to leave, they left. I start the ignition, the car ticked, that was it, it ticked. Dead battery.
Having a dreadful UTI, I drank much more water than I should have. Hiking my ass back to the office, with a diet coke in one hand, my purse and keys in the other and the urge to pee made it a real challenge. The heels didn't help either, they made it worse. I am a fan of bare feet, but we all have our limits, I didn't have that additional hand to carry the heels with, so I walked slowly, falling in the past has been an issue for me. And in this scenario all of the hints point to a turbulent landing.
I made it to the office, sweaty and late. Ran to the potty, did the deed. Went back to the office to get help, I told the whole office about the fact that I had to walk, they were delighted to hear about my walk, Rosa especially thought it was LOL funny.
All of these "mechanics" with their ideas and guesses on what was wrong with the car.
"It's the battery."
I knew it, like a mother to a child, I knew the battery died. (Even though my husband just bought a new one a week ago, didn't even cross my mind.)
I spoke to my husband briefly and explained that we were going to fix the car.
My buddy Sonia had the nipple pinchers and Mathew was going to help us charge the battery. At 5 I rode with Sonia to my car and waited for Mathew. He lifted the hood and pulled a belt out of the engine. (Well that doesn't belong there)
He looked at me expecting an explanation. (I am sure there were crickets chirping in the background)
Grabbing the belt and bending over the engine he began to molest my engine, Sonia and me watched and discussed books, my trunk still full of free books from my RWA meeting. It started to rain (of course) and Sonia became Mathew's PUH (personal umbrella holder) he pulled and tugged and asked for tools that drew blank spaces in my mind. After half hour, we decided to give up, at least I knew it was the belt and not the battery. Sonia was my taxi for the day, driving the basketcase to her mother's house. (yes me!)
I call my cousin Papo and make a lunch date so he can come to fix the car at noon tomorrow, he works 2-11pm so there is no way he can leave now. Lunch date is set.
****now the real fun begins, try to keep up****
We drive to my mother's house and Sonia has to go pee, I empathize with her. We get down, she goes potty, I hug my boys. Exit Sonia.
I talk to my mom, who talked to my dad, who talked to my cousin. My ever so loving dad has discussed with my cousin getting my car fixed, they talked and decided. But in their infinite wisdom somehow forgot to tell me. So my cousin is waiting for me (per my mom) and my dad is waiting for my cousin to help me. My mother has now become manic and semi comatose. This is not the cousin I made the lunch date with, this is another one. This is Jesus, pronounced Hey Seuss, but I don't call him that. I will just call him my cousin.
After five minutes of hello's I now must find a ride to my cousin's house, which is by work, which is by Sonia's house. OH SHIT
I call my cousin from my mother's phone and Sonia from my cell phone. The call to my cousin went to voicemail, but Sonia answered.
"Where are you?" I asked
"I just left, I am down the street."
"Ok, now you turn around and come back to get me."
"What, but why? I just left you."
"Because my father, called my cousin, who is waiting for me, and he lives by you."
I live on the other side of town, 45 minutes from work, Sonia has no idea where she is, I give her directions and talk her back to my mom's house. She honks the horn and my ride begins.
I think it through and decide it's much better to take the interstate. We get in the lane with the red light ready to go to the interstate. My cell phone is dead but with a Sharpie marker I have jotted my cousin's cell phone on the palm of my hand. I grab her phone, with her porno ring tone (when it rings, there is club music in the background and a woman panting, all the phone needs is a disco light, with a wallpaper of some guy with a pompadour and too tight bell bottom pants with a too hairy chest to match, and of course the molestache, eww)
I call and it goes to voice mail, we are still waiting at the light. The woman with the orgasm begins to erupt out of the phone's speakers. I look to see the caller ID and it's my cousin.
"Hi, where are you, I am on the way to your house."
"I am by your mother's heading north." The light turns green.
"Sonia turn right, turn right! Do it!"
The Honda begins crossing at a turtle pace, although I am on full speed. She crosses over one, two, three lanes. My cousin is still on the phone. I am staring and my chauffeur, knowing I can't fire her, I bite my lip.
"My friend is dropping me off at McDonalds, pick me up there." I hang up. "I can't take you anywhere, you can't even drive right? When I say go, you are supposed to hit the gas. What was that back there, aren't you from New York? Who gave you a license?"
"That truck was going to hit me."
"The gas woman! You hit the gas, here is your porno phone!"
I hand her the phone and she drops me off at McDonalds. I thank her for the ride and wait for my cousin. Just standing there watching people come and go, for fifteen minutes. Then I see him.
The Mazda pulls up and before I get there the trunk is popped open, there is a huge plastic bin in the backseat, another gentleman, and the tops of two closet shelves, he was obviously clueless that he would be picking me up. The closet shelves are made of that white plastic covered thin iron, where they are spaced and you can hang clothes up in. He has that one hobby most Cuban men have of collecting parakeets, so this was just another piece to his make shift bird atrium in the backyard. The shelves do not fit in the trunk, he bends them and makes it work. I sit.
I wonder exactly what my dad planned, not having a clue on how to ask, knowing I am imposing, his wife eight months pregnant is in the front seat, we discuss the pregnancy.
Traffic was brutal and at 7 pm I am back at work, opening the hood and pointing out spaces and then I pull out the belt and hand it over. He looks at it and tells me it's done, I need a new one but it needs to be replaced ASAP. After half hour the belt is back on, I start the car, only to have the fucking belt pop right off, I sit in the curb with his wife, we watch the mechanics at work. He tells me I need a water pump pulley, that is why the AC went out. He also tells me he knows the car can make it to his house. About 20 minutes away. We jump my car and it starts for 5 seconds then dies. We jump it again and I rev it for a while, we drive away and 3 blocks down, due to the detour, we stall out in front of the Goodwill, by the donation area. The urge to leave the car and the keys subside as soon as I think about my credit rating.
He jumps my car again, and the car makes it to the rail road tracks on a very busy Tampa Rd. He decides to do the unthinkable (at least to me) he charges the broken car with his good battery and puts the bad battery in the good car, it doesn't work, but he is sure it will.
We do this again about five more times, until finally the damn thing starts, he drives my car to his house, the car made it.
We sit and take a breath then head out to the auto part store. He pulls up the pieces with the rep and the most important part is not in stock, of course not. So they tell us to go to Napa down the street, they should have it, and they close at 9PM, we have ten minutes. We walk out toward the car and he trips over the speed bump landing on his knee, but ok. Why would something as simple as walking to the car be uneventful. I get in and head to Napa, greeting us was a desolate office with no lights. It closed, we drove past it and he offers me his car for the next couple of days until I am back on my feet, it's a great idea. I look over and tell him the car is on empty. "No, it's not, the needle is broken."
"You want me to borrow a car that is always on empty and drive it around, do you know who I am?"
I gracefully decline, we go back to his house, where his ready to pop wife has served dinner. Dinner is white rice, rice con gris (this is rice with beans cooked into it) pork chops and yellow tomatoes. Not my taste but they insist and I feel horrible that they are eating too late. The pork chops were made with salt, adobo, and more salt. Two plates of rice later, I finish the pork chop, my mother is blowing up my phone because the kids want to go home. I am car-less and want to go, they ask for a little more time and they will take me. My cousin is sitting at the head of the table it is now 9:30 and I need to pick up my husband at 11 PM.
(What I failed to mention in this story is that my mother in law had a dr appt this morning and my husband got dropped off, so since he couldn't take his mother's car to work, I am his ride, wonderful.)
(Also, to stray even further from the story, my day started at 5 AM, my mother in law was ranting and screaming on a phone call at 5 AM this morning and my husband banged on the window screaming at her to shut up, at 5 AM the entire neighborhood heard her, but like us they don't understand Korean. We later found out that her sister passed away and felt instant regret at scolding her for sharing the conversation with our entire zip code.)
Back to the previously scheduled story...My cousin has taken off his shirt and his wife is bring out cream cheese and guava as dessert. I just want to go home. And he tells me after his shower he will take me. My mother calls again and tells me that my sister is on the way. Ten minutes later I am off to my mothers. Still clad in office clothes and heels. The bed is calling.
I get home and wait, my mother has offered her car to pick up my husband, no one knows where my mother in law is off to mourning. But before I ask, the door rings and she is there. She has no idea about my car, I don't want to disturb her, after all she has been planning to visit her sister and never had the chance to say good-bye. I hug her, offer condolences and we decide to take the kids home, and she will watch him while I pick up the husband.
The ride home was somber. I get home and walk through the door to doomsday, without me, the house is more like a sorority meeting place, cups, soda, plates, clothes strewn everywhere.
I have no time to dwell, get a bottle to feed mike d, who has not behaved, but his antics would make this a full fledged novel. My mother in law is taking longer than usual, I walk out and she has somehow bent the rod to the trunk, she bought new luggage for her trip to Korea and can't close the trunk. I watch and can't help but laugh, really, how am I going to drive with the trunk open, she slammed it and the back window didn't pop and shatter because Jesus must have been holding it. Knowing this is just overdoing it. Now he is just showing off. I call my oldest child over to help and he adjusts it to remove the rod and close the trunk. Now the trunk light is on, and this is just another fix I am going to have to do.
My mother calls, "I am picking up milk, do you want to use my car?"
"Sure mom, it will help."
"Ok, I will be there when I am done to pick up mike d."
You would think from that short conversation that she was bringing me the car, I waited until 10:45, ten minutes and I call her back.
"I am still getting milk and things, I just paid, I thought you were taking your mother in law's car, you can take mine tomorrow, I was just going to pick up mike d."
I run around the house looking for the keys, making it impossible with the mess, and making it worse. I flip books, magazines, clothes, her car keys are not here. I call her on her cell and she said to bring her the baby, I explain that my mom is picking him up.
"Then why did we bring him?"
"Because I needed to see him even for a little, she is down the street, no big deal, I need the keys, please bring them."
She runs over to bring the keys and my mom calls her, she is still not sure how to pick up the phone and they are on speaker. "I am on the way to pick up the baby."
"Why did we bring him, do what you want."
I leave the house, unsure of the outcome and without a cell phone. I have ten minutes to drive there, usually it takes me twenty. I make it in eleven.
He gets into the car and I omit 99% of this blog simply because I do not have my Xanax on it, and refuse to relive the day at 11PM at night. I borrow his phone and call Papo. "Our lunch date is cancelled, our cousin has the car and is fixing it, but thanks anyways."
It's not quite over yet-We get home and I tell him the keys are lost, he pulls them out of his pocket. Why the hell now, like David fucking Copperfield voila! I ask Diego if mike d is here or not...this is his response.
"Um, he went to the back, but I saw Conqui (Lucy)" That tells me nothing, if my mother was here, she could have gone through the gate and taken mike d home.
"Mom, do you have mike?"
"Michael, yes I have Michael. I went out side and he followed and there was a snake in his little car and he chased it. Then I chased him, so we ran around the backyard and the snake took off. He isn't scared of shit, and now he wants ice cream, it's midnight."
How can I not laugh, if I wouldn't laugh I would cry.
To Be Continued...
So I put put over to the parking lot across the street, my dear Rosa and Renee came over to keep me company for a few moments, then they left. Me being a bad ass wanted that last cigarette and told them to leave, they left. I start the ignition, the car ticked, that was it, it ticked. Dead battery.
Having a dreadful UTI, I drank much more water than I should have. Hiking my ass back to the office, with a diet coke in one hand, my purse and keys in the other and the urge to pee made it a real challenge. The heels didn't help either, they made it worse. I am a fan of bare feet, but we all have our limits, I didn't have that additional hand to carry the heels with, so I walked slowly, falling in the past has been an issue for me. And in this scenario all of the hints point to a turbulent landing.
I made it to the office, sweaty and late. Ran to the potty, did the deed. Went back to the office to get help, I told the whole office about the fact that I had to walk, they were delighted to hear about my walk, Rosa especially thought it was LOL funny.
All of these "mechanics" with their ideas and guesses on what was wrong with the car.
"It's the battery."
I knew it, like a mother to a child, I knew the battery died. (Even though my husband just bought a new one a week ago, didn't even cross my mind.)
I spoke to my husband briefly and explained that we were going to fix the car.
My buddy Sonia had the nipple pinchers and Mathew was going to help us charge the battery. At 5 I rode with Sonia to my car and waited for Mathew. He lifted the hood and pulled a belt out of the engine. (Well that doesn't belong there)
He looked at me expecting an explanation. (I am sure there were crickets chirping in the background)
Grabbing the belt and bending over the engine he began to molest my engine, Sonia and me watched and discussed books, my trunk still full of free books from my RWA meeting. It started to rain (of course) and Sonia became Mathew's PUH (personal umbrella holder) he pulled and tugged and asked for tools that drew blank spaces in my mind. After half hour, we decided to give up, at least I knew it was the belt and not the battery. Sonia was my taxi for the day, driving the basketcase to her mother's house. (yes me!)
I call my cousin Papo and make a lunch date so he can come to fix the car at noon tomorrow, he works 2-11pm so there is no way he can leave now. Lunch date is set.
****now the real fun begins, try to keep up****
We drive to my mother's house and Sonia has to go pee, I empathize with her. We get down, she goes potty, I hug my boys. Exit Sonia.
I talk to my mom, who talked to my dad, who talked to my cousin. My ever so loving dad has discussed with my cousin getting my car fixed, they talked and decided. But in their infinite wisdom somehow forgot to tell me. So my cousin is waiting for me (per my mom) and my dad is waiting for my cousin to help me. My mother has now become manic and semi comatose. This is not the cousin I made the lunch date with, this is another one. This is Jesus, pronounced Hey Seuss, but I don't call him that. I will just call him my cousin.
After five minutes of hello's I now must find a ride to my cousin's house, which is by work, which is by Sonia's house. OH SHIT
I call my cousin from my mother's phone and Sonia from my cell phone. The call to my cousin went to voicemail, but Sonia answered.
"Where are you?" I asked
"I just left, I am down the street."
"Ok, now you turn around and come back to get me."
"What, but why? I just left you."
"Because my father, called my cousin, who is waiting for me, and he lives by you."
I live on the other side of town, 45 minutes from work, Sonia has no idea where she is, I give her directions and talk her back to my mom's house. She honks the horn and my ride begins.
I think it through and decide it's much better to take the interstate. We get in the lane with the red light ready to go to the interstate. My cell phone is dead but with a Sharpie marker I have jotted my cousin's cell phone on the palm of my hand. I grab her phone, with her porno ring tone (when it rings, there is club music in the background and a woman panting, all the phone needs is a disco light, with a wallpaper of some guy with a pompadour and too tight bell bottom pants with a too hairy chest to match, and of course the molestache, eww)
I call and it goes to voice mail, we are still waiting at the light. The woman with the orgasm begins to erupt out of the phone's speakers. I look to see the caller ID and it's my cousin.
"Hi, where are you, I am on the way to your house."
"I am by your mother's heading north." The light turns green.
"Sonia turn right, turn right! Do it!"
The Honda begins crossing at a turtle pace, although I am on full speed. She crosses over one, two, three lanes. My cousin is still on the phone. I am staring and my chauffeur, knowing I can't fire her, I bite my lip.
"My friend is dropping me off at McDonalds, pick me up there." I hang up. "I can't take you anywhere, you can't even drive right? When I say go, you are supposed to hit the gas. What was that back there, aren't you from New York? Who gave you a license?"
"That truck was going to hit me."
"The gas woman! You hit the gas, here is your porno phone!"
I hand her the phone and she drops me off at McDonalds. I thank her for the ride and wait for my cousin. Just standing there watching people come and go, for fifteen minutes. Then I see him.
The Mazda pulls up and before I get there the trunk is popped open, there is a huge plastic bin in the backseat, another gentleman, and the tops of two closet shelves, he was obviously clueless that he would be picking me up. The closet shelves are made of that white plastic covered thin iron, where they are spaced and you can hang clothes up in. He has that one hobby most Cuban men have of collecting parakeets, so this was just another piece to his make shift bird atrium in the backyard. The shelves do not fit in the trunk, he bends them and makes it work. I sit.
I wonder exactly what my dad planned, not having a clue on how to ask, knowing I am imposing, his wife eight months pregnant is in the front seat, we discuss the pregnancy.
Traffic was brutal and at 7 pm I am back at work, opening the hood and pointing out spaces and then I pull out the belt and hand it over. He looks at it and tells me it's done, I need a new one but it needs to be replaced ASAP. After half hour the belt is back on, I start the car, only to have the fucking belt pop right off, I sit in the curb with his wife, we watch the mechanics at work. He tells me I need a water pump pulley, that is why the AC went out. He also tells me he knows the car can make it to his house. About 20 minutes away. We jump my car and it starts for 5 seconds then dies. We jump it again and I rev it for a while, we drive away and 3 blocks down, due to the detour, we stall out in front of the Goodwill, by the donation area. The urge to leave the car and the keys subside as soon as I think about my credit rating.
He jumps my car again, and the car makes it to the rail road tracks on a very busy Tampa Rd. He decides to do the unthinkable (at least to me) he charges the broken car with his good battery and puts the bad battery in the good car, it doesn't work, but he is sure it will.
We do this again about five more times, until finally the damn thing starts, he drives my car to his house, the car made it.
We sit and take a breath then head out to the auto part store. He pulls up the pieces with the rep and the most important part is not in stock, of course not. So they tell us to go to Napa down the street, they should have it, and they close at 9PM, we have ten minutes. We walk out toward the car and he trips over the speed bump landing on his knee, but ok. Why would something as simple as walking to the car be uneventful. I get in and head to Napa, greeting us was a desolate office with no lights. It closed, we drove past it and he offers me his car for the next couple of days until I am back on my feet, it's a great idea. I look over and tell him the car is on empty. "No, it's not, the needle is broken."
"You want me to borrow a car that is always on empty and drive it around, do you know who I am?"
I gracefully decline, we go back to his house, where his ready to pop wife has served dinner. Dinner is white rice, rice con gris (this is rice with beans cooked into it) pork chops and yellow tomatoes. Not my taste but they insist and I feel horrible that they are eating too late. The pork chops were made with salt, adobo, and more salt. Two plates of rice later, I finish the pork chop, my mother is blowing up my phone because the kids want to go home. I am car-less and want to go, they ask for a little more time and they will take me. My cousin is sitting at the head of the table it is now 9:30 and I need to pick up my husband at 11 PM.
(What I failed to mention in this story is that my mother in law had a dr appt this morning and my husband got dropped off, so since he couldn't take his mother's car to work, I am his ride, wonderful.)
(Also, to stray even further from the story, my day started at 5 AM, my mother in law was ranting and screaming on a phone call at 5 AM this morning and my husband banged on the window screaming at her to shut up, at 5 AM the entire neighborhood heard her, but like us they don't understand Korean. We later found out that her sister passed away and felt instant regret at scolding her for sharing the conversation with our entire zip code.)
Back to the previously scheduled story...My cousin has taken off his shirt and his wife is bring out cream cheese and guava as dessert. I just want to go home. And he tells me after his shower he will take me. My mother calls again and tells me that my sister is on the way. Ten minutes later I am off to my mothers. Still clad in office clothes and heels. The bed is calling.
I get home and wait, my mother has offered her car to pick up my husband, no one knows where my mother in law is off to mourning. But before I ask, the door rings and she is there. She has no idea about my car, I don't want to disturb her, after all she has been planning to visit her sister and never had the chance to say good-bye. I hug her, offer condolences and we decide to take the kids home, and she will watch him while I pick up the husband.
The ride home was somber. I get home and walk through the door to doomsday, without me, the house is more like a sorority meeting place, cups, soda, plates, clothes strewn everywhere.
I have no time to dwell, get a bottle to feed mike d, who has not behaved, but his antics would make this a full fledged novel. My mother in law is taking longer than usual, I walk out and she has somehow bent the rod to the trunk, she bought new luggage for her trip to Korea and can't close the trunk. I watch and can't help but laugh, really, how am I going to drive with the trunk open, she slammed it and the back window didn't pop and shatter because Jesus must have been holding it. Knowing this is just overdoing it. Now he is just showing off. I call my oldest child over to help and he adjusts it to remove the rod and close the trunk. Now the trunk light is on, and this is just another fix I am going to have to do.
My mother calls, "I am picking up milk, do you want to use my car?"
"Sure mom, it will help."
"Ok, I will be there when I am done to pick up mike d."
You would think from that short conversation that she was bringing me the car, I waited until 10:45, ten minutes and I call her back.
"I am still getting milk and things, I just paid, I thought you were taking your mother in law's car, you can take mine tomorrow, I was just going to pick up mike d."
I run around the house looking for the keys, making it impossible with the mess, and making it worse. I flip books, magazines, clothes, her car keys are not here. I call her on her cell and she said to bring her the baby, I explain that my mom is picking him up.
"Then why did we bring him?"
"Because I needed to see him even for a little, she is down the street, no big deal, I need the keys, please bring them."
She runs over to bring the keys and my mom calls her, she is still not sure how to pick up the phone and they are on speaker. "I am on the way to pick up the baby."
"Why did we bring him, do what you want."
I leave the house, unsure of the outcome and without a cell phone. I have ten minutes to drive there, usually it takes me twenty. I make it in eleven.
He gets into the car and I omit 99% of this blog simply because I do not have my Xanax on it, and refuse to relive the day at 11PM at night. I borrow his phone and call Papo. "Our lunch date is cancelled, our cousin has the car and is fixing it, but thanks anyways."
It's not quite over yet-We get home and I tell him the keys are lost, he pulls them out of his pocket. Why the hell now, like David fucking Copperfield voila! I ask Diego if mike d is here or not...this is his response.
"Um, he went to the back, but I saw Conqui (Lucy)" That tells me nothing, if my mother was here, she could have gone through the gate and taken mike d home.
"Mom, do you have mike?"
"Michael, yes I have Michael. I went out side and he followed and there was a snake in his little car and he chased it. Then I chased him, so we ran around the backyard and the snake took off. He isn't scared of shit, and now he wants ice cream, it's midnight."
How can I not laugh, if I wouldn't laugh I would cry.
To Be Continued...
Monday, August 9, 2010
Mikey in the Middle
Detours suck, I now have to drive pass my usual route adding five minutes to my drive to work, going home is a disaster because there are blinking red lights on Tampa Rd, a very congested strip of road, today it took me a record twenty minutes to cross it. Yes, that is possible.
It wasn't until half way home that I noticed my AC shooting out hot air, kinda like when you open up popcorn and you move the bag away, for hundred degree weather it felt just like that, except I can't move out of the way, unless I jump out to oncoming traffic, not a bad idea from time to time.
I rolled down the window, of course it was raining, at this point I am dripping from my left arm and my eyebrows have developed beads of sweat that have now begun to cascade from my head to my neck into my bra, and quite possibly some kind of fermentation has begun in my nether regions.
On Kennedy I get a call from mother, she is laughing and mike d is hysterical, the call drops, I call back three more times, she finally picks up.
"He is having a tantrum in the middle of Publix. We past the movie section and he saw the Wonder Pets movie and started to throw himself back, he doesn't even like the fucking Wonder Pets."
"Mom, I am on Kennedy, stay there, I will be right there."
It is now 5:40, in twenty minutes I have to pick up Diego and pay the fee, already late because we are having major issues paying online, I have no checks on me, so I need to stop at the house any way. I drive to Publix and pass my mother who is about to pull into opposite traffic, what part of stay there did I say in a foreign language, I stop traffic and watch her turn behind me. Thank God, that one brain cell decided to work today.
I pull into a spot, she pulls in next to me. Mike D is then pried out of his car seat and when I go to put him into my car be begins to convulse. I tried to shove him in sideways, horizontal, then head first, no luck. The genius who took him to Publix, thought it would be brilliant to shut him up with a little cup of ice cream. He shuts up long enough for me to strap him in.
I give him the little cup and it immediately begins to melt. Remember no AC, yay!
I am now a woman on a mission, weaving through traffic to drop him off. My next conversation is also with a Darwin award winner.
I call my mother in law to meet me at the front of the house to grab the imp.
"I am late to pick up Diego, I am going to drop off mike and go, meet me at the house."
"I have Dr appointment tomorrow, I can't watch him."
"This is for now, my mom will watch him tomorrow, I just need to pick up Diego by six."
I hear her say "Uhh" "Sixeee" and the wheels start turning, then like a thousand watt light bulb going off.
"How about this... you drop off Mike now, pick up Diego and tonight take him to your mom."
Once again she has left me speechless. Do I celebrate the splendid idea, or point out that she just repeated word for word what I said in the first place. (I thought of my response.)
"You are right, I don't know what I was thinking." (bashing head into dashboard)
I park and come face to face with the ice cream monster, not only had he gotten some into his hair, but it is now dripping onto the carpet in the back seat and he is drenched from tshirt, to shorts, let's not forget the socks and shoes. I pull him out and throw the cup as far as I can away from me, aiming at an imaginary portrait of my mother and mother in law.
Before closing the door I look at the puddle of vanilla ice cream, deep down someone is watching and laughing, I still think I am God's personal sitcom.
I refuse to carry the sticky gremlin and make him walk, which turns into a dragging tug of war.
Straight to the bathtub and off with his clothes, my nudist is now delighted that he can have watertime and begins to line up the shampoo bottles.
I call my mother in law, unable to leave mike d in the bathtub, I begin to call her telepathically, the phone is in my purse in the car.
The ice cream soaked outfit is in the kitchen sink and through the window I see her come around back, I bang on the window and she tries to go through my back door. Of course it's locked. I go to the bathroom to wait for the woman who carries the genes that were embedded into my child, lined up are all the shampoo bottles and the dog is gnawing at his sweet enhanced shoes, I grab the shoes and pop Juno on the head, stupid dog.
She comes in and takes over, I run around looking for a check, no where that it's supposed to be.
I finally found one in my husbands drawer. Take it and haul ass.
I get to pick up Diego at 6:05, five dollars added to my tab, thank you mothers.
After hitting every red light there, and going to rent the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, I come home and find that he is not home. I run out back to assess the damage. He is now playing with pennies and pens and paper, the moment he sees me, it all goes to hell and he wants to come home up front with me.
I take him and the war is now with the DS, I stupidly purchased The Backyardigans game, but mike d has a pet peeve with the DS and having it connected to charge. He sits under the comforted and begins to do what looks to be somersaults under the bed spread. The DS is not working, the DS is not connected, I connect, he disconnects, this is all I did as I cooked chicken alfredo with bow tie pasta.
The eight o clock hour comes and he is still battling it out with everything that doesn't go his way. I go out to have a cigarette and my mother calls to see how he is doing.
"The demon that you sent over is still throwing temper tantrums, he didn't nap did he?"
"No, where is he?"
"He is in the back."
"You know you can bring him, I am not doing anything just some laundry." Really, can I really bring him, drop him off, papers and all, will you call me to pick him up ever again.
I get ready to pack it up and Fed Ex him to my mothers, my mother in law jolts through the door with an empty bottle.
"I need milk."
"Where is he."
"He is sleeping, he should wake up at 8 am, tell your mother to be here then."
Why can we not keep a set schedule, why do you people insist that I take my Xanax three times a day within a 4 hour period. I call the other one.
"Mom, pick him up tomorrow at 8 AM. I am charging the DS, I have his clothes ready. And I will be at work until 5 pm, if he gets possessed again, do not call me, call a priest!"
Let us pray....God help them, help me, and give me the patience I need to not commit manslaughter. Amen.
It wasn't until half way home that I noticed my AC shooting out hot air, kinda like when you open up popcorn and you move the bag away, for hundred degree weather it felt just like that, except I can't move out of the way, unless I jump out to oncoming traffic, not a bad idea from time to time.
I rolled down the window, of course it was raining, at this point I am dripping from my left arm and my eyebrows have developed beads of sweat that have now begun to cascade from my head to my neck into my bra, and quite possibly some kind of fermentation has begun in my nether regions.
On Kennedy I get a call from mother, she is laughing and mike d is hysterical, the call drops, I call back three more times, she finally picks up.
"He is having a tantrum in the middle of Publix. We past the movie section and he saw the Wonder Pets movie and started to throw himself back, he doesn't even like the fucking Wonder Pets."
"Mom, I am on Kennedy, stay there, I will be right there."
It is now 5:40, in twenty minutes I have to pick up Diego and pay the fee, already late because we are having major issues paying online, I have no checks on me, so I need to stop at the house any way. I drive to Publix and pass my mother who is about to pull into opposite traffic, what part of stay there did I say in a foreign language, I stop traffic and watch her turn behind me. Thank God, that one brain cell decided to work today.
I pull into a spot, she pulls in next to me. Mike D is then pried out of his car seat and when I go to put him into my car be begins to convulse. I tried to shove him in sideways, horizontal, then head first, no luck. The genius who took him to Publix, thought it would be brilliant to shut him up with a little cup of ice cream. He shuts up long enough for me to strap him in.
I give him the little cup and it immediately begins to melt. Remember no AC, yay!
I am now a woman on a mission, weaving through traffic to drop him off. My next conversation is also with a Darwin award winner.
I call my mother in law to meet me at the front of the house to grab the imp.
"I am late to pick up Diego, I am going to drop off mike and go, meet me at the house."
"I have Dr appointment tomorrow, I can't watch him."
"This is for now, my mom will watch him tomorrow, I just need to pick up Diego by six."
I hear her say "Uhh" "Sixeee" and the wheels start turning, then like a thousand watt light bulb going off.
"How about this... you drop off Mike now, pick up Diego and tonight take him to your mom."
Once again she has left me speechless. Do I celebrate the splendid idea, or point out that she just repeated word for word what I said in the first place. (I thought of my response.)
"You are right, I don't know what I was thinking." (bashing head into dashboard)
I park and come face to face with the ice cream monster, not only had he gotten some into his hair, but it is now dripping onto the carpet in the back seat and he is drenched from tshirt, to shorts, let's not forget the socks and shoes. I pull him out and throw the cup as far as I can away from me, aiming at an imaginary portrait of my mother and mother in law.
Before closing the door I look at the puddle of vanilla ice cream, deep down someone is watching and laughing, I still think I am God's personal sitcom.
I refuse to carry the sticky gremlin and make him walk, which turns into a dragging tug of war.
Straight to the bathtub and off with his clothes, my nudist is now delighted that he can have watertime and begins to line up the shampoo bottles.
I call my mother in law, unable to leave mike d in the bathtub, I begin to call her telepathically, the phone is in my purse in the car.
The ice cream soaked outfit is in the kitchen sink and through the window I see her come around back, I bang on the window and she tries to go through my back door. Of course it's locked. I go to the bathroom to wait for the woman who carries the genes that were embedded into my child, lined up are all the shampoo bottles and the dog is gnawing at his sweet enhanced shoes, I grab the shoes and pop Juno on the head, stupid dog.
She comes in and takes over, I run around looking for a check, no where that it's supposed to be.
I finally found one in my husbands drawer. Take it and haul ass.
I get to pick up Diego at 6:05, five dollars added to my tab, thank you mothers.
After hitting every red light there, and going to rent the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, I come home and find that he is not home. I run out back to assess the damage. He is now playing with pennies and pens and paper, the moment he sees me, it all goes to hell and he wants to come home up front with me.
I take him and the war is now with the DS, I stupidly purchased The Backyardigans game, but mike d has a pet peeve with the DS and having it connected to charge. He sits under the comforted and begins to do what looks to be somersaults under the bed spread. The DS is not working, the DS is not connected, I connect, he disconnects, this is all I did as I cooked chicken alfredo with bow tie pasta.
The eight o clock hour comes and he is still battling it out with everything that doesn't go his way. I go out to have a cigarette and my mother calls to see how he is doing.
"The demon that you sent over is still throwing temper tantrums, he didn't nap did he?"
"No, where is he?"
"He is in the back."
"You know you can bring him, I am not doing anything just some laundry." Really, can I really bring him, drop him off, papers and all, will you call me to pick him up ever again.
I get ready to pack it up and Fed Ex him to my mothers, my mother in law jolts through the door with an empty bottle.
"I need milk."
"Where is he."
"He is sleeping, he should wake up at 8 am, tell your mother to be here then."
Why can we not keep a set schedule, why do you people insist that I take my Xanax three times a day within a 4 hour period. I call the other one.
"Mom, pick him up tomorrow at 8 AM. I am charging the DS, I have his clothes ready. And I will be at work until 5 pm, if he gets possessed again, do not call me, call a priest!"
Let us pray....God help them, help me, and give me the patience I need to not commit manslaughter. Amen.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
A letter to a dear relative
Hopefully you know who you are
Happiness is a journey not a destination, no I didn't make it up, it's a refrigerator magnet.
I dont know which website it is you go to so that you can find a mate, but I think you may be better off going to a bar or brothel, I think they exist in Tampa.
You seem to be having a rather difficult time finding a partner, it's really not that hard. For some people they just have to lower their standards, for others, like you, a checklist would be more ideal.
Lets start with your first pick: Titana, it rhymes with her name, or we could also call her the Mega B (you could take it for boobs or bitch, your choice) This one was very nice on the first meet, maybe to impress the family, maybe intimidation played a part, anyways, you marked off the boobs and forgot to mark off the ass, because this was something she failed to have, she didn't have much of a personality either, she reminded me more of an old woman in a child's body. She was also not in the same age group. Lets start at 18 from now on, deal?
Of all the people in the world, you choose they most non friendly person walking the earth. I don't think she ever genuinely smiled. And the fact that she spoke no spanish wasn't a plus, and she should have realized that. It's like that thing they say, if you are ugly with a personality great, or if you a pretty and dumb as a door knob, you could get by, this piece of work was not attractive, nor nice, nor petite, she was a big bosomed brute who was more butch than bitch, but in the end bitch was the true color. DENIED.
Then you must have crossed off Tinkerbell, you found a pixie. Petite, blond and even the pointy ears, she had all the makings of a fairy. Being Peter Pan is a dream we all dwell on from time to time. You made it a reality and found that it was not all it was cracked up to be. Your little pixie chick was a little too friendly with the alcohol, not a problem in my book, actually a plus for me. But really she should look to be more buddy buddy with mama bear, she failed. Over time and over drinks and probably an obscene night or two, showing you things you could only find on youtube and in movies, you decided she was not the one. DENIED.
This last one was Sybil, she was cute, but psycho. Look crazy people lie, trust me. These websites that give you the promise of a happily ever after don't look at mental backgrounds. They ask questions and the mentally impaired, although crazy and insane, are keen on how to get by without being pin pointed as psychotic, we know how to answer those questions well. In the end, she too was a little out of your playing field, more along the lines of a Stephen King movie in the making. DENIED.
Why don't you just let your dear and beloved family choose a mail order bride for you. Speaks spanish doesn't mean you can't be a redneck, there are all sorts of people, whom we actually know and just got off the raft shortly ago.
So we can find one for you, HOORAY!
Must:
Be cute and at least mildly feminine
Posses proper grammar, english or spanish
Speak at least a little spanish (Italians may apply)
Eat roadkill or wild game (I am sure this is a secret, but yeah, I think you kill things with bb guns)
Think that camouflage is a color by crayon
Enjoy motorcross and nascar
Not be a grenade (see Jersey Shore)
Be able to mark off at least ten "you might be a redneck if" (there are tons, buy the book and start highlighting)
Know the difference between a mustang and any other vehicle
No vegans
Get along with the mother in law (this means enjoying the casino, cutting coupons, and recycling everything from diapers to ziplock bags)
If you can mark off at least half of these requests, please respond to my email to schedule a date with a Cuban redneck
Thank you for participating in my attempt to make the world a better place (for me)
Happiness is a journey not a destination, no I didn't make it up, it's a refrigerator magnet.
I dont know which website it is you go to so that you can find a mate, but I think you may be better off going to a bar or brothel, I think they exist in Tampa.
You seem to be having a rather difficult time finding a partner, it's really not that hard. For some people they just have to lower their standards, for others, like you, a checklist would be more ideal.
Lets start with your first pick: Titana, it rhymes with her name, or we could also call her the Mega B (you could take it for boobs or bitch, your choice) This one was very nice on the first meet, maybe to impress the family, maybe intimidation played a part, anyways, you marked off the boobs and forgot to mark off the ass, because this was something she failed to have, she didn't have much of a personality either, she reminded me more of an old woman in a child's body. She was also not in the same age group. Lets start at 18 from now on, deal?
Of all the people in the world, you choose they most non friendly person walking the earth. I don't think she ever genuinely smiled. And the fact that she spoke no spanish wasn't a plus, and she should have realized that. It's like that thing they say, if you are ugly with a personality great, or if you a pretty and dumb as a door knob, you could get by, this piece of work was not attractive, nor nice, nor petite, she was a big bosomed brute who was more butch than bitch, but in the end bitch was the true color. DENIED.
Then you must have crossed off Tinkerbell, you found a pixie. Petite, blond and even the pointy ears, she had all the makings of a fairy. Being Peter Pan is a dream we all dwell on from time to time. You made it a reality and found that it was not all it was cracked up to be. Your little pixie chick was a little too friendly with the alcohol, not a problem in my book, actually a plus for me. But really she should look to be more buddy buddy with mama bear, she failed. Over time and over drinks and probably an obscene night or two, showing you things you could only find on youtube and in movies, you decided she was not the one. DENIED.
This last one was Sybil, she was cute, but psycho. Look crazy people lie, trust me. These websites that give you the promise of a happily ever after don't look at mental backgrounds. They ask questions and the mentally impaired, although crazy and insane, are keen on how to get by without being pin pointed as psychotic, we know how to answer those questions well. In the end, she too was a little out of your playing field, more along the lines of a Stephen King movie in the making. DENIED.
Why don't you just let your dear and beloved family choose a mail order bride for you. Speaks spanish doesn't mean you can't be a redneck, there are all sorts of people, whom we actually know and just got off the raft shortly ago.
So we can find one for you, HOORAY!
Must:
Be cute and at least mildly feminine
Posses proper grammar, english or spanish
Speak at least a little spanish (Italians may apply)
Eat roadkill or wild game (I am sure this is a secret, but yeah, I think you kill things with bb guns)
Think that camouflage is a color by crayon
Enjoy motorcross and nascar
Not be a grenade (see Jersey Shore)
Be able to mark off at least ten "you might be a redneck if" (there are tons, buy the book and start highlighting)
Know the difference between a mustang and any other vehicle
No vegans
Get along with the mother in law (this means enjoying the casino, cutting coupons, and recycling everything from diapers to ziplock bags)
If you can mark off at least half of these requests, please respond to my email to schedule a date with a Cuban redneck
Thank you for participating in my attempt to make the world a better place (for me)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Purfumania
Practical jokes are a great past time in my family, in my life. When I work and tend to get sleepy from doing the same thing over and over, I find things to do, that I probably shouldn't. I have taped the bottom of everyone's mouse at some point, or I have put a piece of tape over the phone, so that when you pick up the phone isn't actually connected. Things like that, even rearranging their desk, especially at Christmas with all the crap they bring out to decorate their desk. One time I switched someone's desk with an empty cubicle, placing everything exactly as it was at the empty desk, that was priceless.
Yesterday it was perfume. Norma handed me a sample of Red, must have been from when Macy's was Burdine's, forever ago. I opened it, took a whiff, and immediately thought of decrepit tata. Yes I have old aging aunts and grandmothers, so I can say that. It's probably the closest thing to a dead body I can compare. I have yet to take a tour of the morgue, I am probably up on a picture board as a do-not-let-this-person-in kind of thing.
I went to my desk and was going to throw it away, when I got this fabulous idea to mess with someone's desk. I looked around and Mathew being the quiet one was the perfect target. I balled up a napkin and doused it with the sadistic concoction. Not thinking that I was being engulfed in the horrible stench.
I walked by and was pushed by the few that knew what I was doing, Nikke and Myrna kept their distance. Sonia called Mathew to help and he was on a call, I have no patience so I walked by and bent down and threw it in the trash can, done. I walked away and minutes later realized that the scent had stuck to me, I couldn't get the smell off of me. I thought about it and felt bad, so I walked over and took it out of his garbage and proceeded to throw it in my boss' trash.
My boss tends to get sick easily, after thinking this through again, I decided that I wanted to keep my job and retrieved the napkin and placed it in Rosa's trash can, she deserved it.
At this point my workplace smelled like a brothel, and the napkin had been around more than the captain of the cheer leading squad.
I walked over to Sonia so she could smell me and she was on a call and shooed me away, so I rubbed my hands on her and grabbed her nose. Laughing my ass off as she took out hand sanitizer and did everything but gargle it. I took the hand sanitizer myself and tried to take the smell off.
I sat at my desk and now smelled like a doctor's office, it wasn't working for me so I took the coconut and lime lotion and started with my elbows and worked my way down. The smell was even worse, and now I was also sticky and felt more like a used condom. I only say this because there was white lotion all over my, slathered between my fingers, my rings and my watch.
Spending so much time away from my desk, I couldn't leave to the bathroom. I tend to get into trouble easily so I figured staying put was smarter.
The boss came around and having sinus issues, didn't notice that he walked into a joke gone bad. I told him all about it, he paid no mind to me and went about his way.
Rosa came over and had developed a unibrow, her face said it all, she placed the trash bag at my desk and took off back to her desk. I followed her and she waved me away, I have no idea what I smelled of at this point. She has a shimmer gel at her desk, and what the hell, I might glisten like a Cullen if I am going to smell like an ass. So I sprayed that all over myself and before that touched up on Rosa's shoulders a little to make sure she remembered this day.
After all was said and done, I was sanitized, moisturized and whore-ified with all of the lotions at my reach, the more I walked around the more people made faces, the garbage can ended up next to the fax machine, just to share the joy with the entire office and when my husband picked me up he immediately scowled at me, "What in God's name is that awful smell?"
I had to then explain the story and first thing I did when I got home was scrub myself down with my Almond Vanilla Caress, making it all better.
Note to self-Unless you want to remember decrepit tata, elderly relatives and old ladies that ride public transportation do not wear the perfume Red, ever.
Yesterday it was perfume. Norma handed me a sample of Red, must have been from when Macy's was Burdine's, forever ago. I opened it, took a whiff, and immediately thought of decrepit tata. Yes I have old aging aunts and grandmothers, so I can say that. It's probably the closest thing to a dead body I can compare. I have yet to take a tour of the morgue, I am probably up on a picture board as a do-not-let-this-person-in kind of thing.
I went to my desk and was going to throw it away, when I got this fabulous idea to mess with someone's desk. I looked around and Mathew being the quiet one was the perfect target. I balled up a napkin and doused it with the sadistic concoction. Not thinking that I was being engulfed in the horrible stench.
I walked by and was pushed by the few that knew what I was doing, Nikke and Myrna kept their distance. Sonia called Mathew to help and he was on a call, I have no patience so I walked by and bent down and threw it in the trash can, done. I walked away and minutes later realized that the scent had stuck to me, I couldn't get the smell off of me. I thought about it and felt bad, so I walked over and took it out of his garbage and proceeded to throw it in my boss' trash.
My boss tends to get sick easily, after thinking this through again, I decided that I wanted to keep my job and retrieved the napkin and placed it in Rosa's trash can, she deserved it.
At this point my workplace smelled like a brothel, and the napkin had been around more than the captain of the cheer leading squad.
I walked over to Sonia so she could smell me and she was on a call and shooed me away, so I rubbed my hands on her and grabbed her nose. Laughing my ass off as she took out hand sanitizer and did everything but gargle it. I took the hand sanitizer myself and tried to take the smell off.
I sat at my desk and now smelled like a doctor's office, it wasn't working for me so I took the coconut and lime lotion and started with my elbows and worked my way down. The smell was even worse, and now I was also sticky and felt more like a used condom. I only say this because there was white lotion all over my, slathered between my fingers, my rings and my watch.
Spending so much time away from my desk, I couldn't leave to the bathroom. I tend to get into trouble easily so I figured staying put was smarter.
The boss came around and having sinus issues, didn't notice that he walked into a joke gone bad. I told him all about it, he paid no mind to me and went about his way.
Rosa came over and had developed a unibrow, her face said it all, she placed the trash bag at my desk and took off back to her desk. I followed her and she waved me away, I have no idea what I smelled of at this point. She has a shimmer gel at her desk, and what the hell, I might glisten like a Cullen if I am going to smell like an ass. So I sprayed that all over myself and before that touched up on Rosa's shoulders a little to make sure she remembered this day.
After all was said and done, I was sanitized, moisturized and whore-ified with all of the lotions at my reach, the more I walked around the more people made faces, the garbage can ended up next to the fax machine, just to share the joy with the entire office and when my husband picked me up he immediately scowled at me, "What in God's name is that awful smell?"
I had to then explain the story and first thing I did when I got home was scrub myself down with my Almond Vanilla Caress, making it all better.
Note to self-Unless you want to remember decrepit tata, elderly relatives and old ladies that ride public transportation do not wear the perfume Red, ever.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Missing
If you ever need to call my mother in law, there must be a reason. When you call her she will answer the phone as if she is on her deathbed, out of breath and slowly speaking. When she hears it's me she perks herself up, if it's anyone else, she continues with her sorrowful voice. I have learned to pay no mind to that. On my way home I never call her, mostly because I have a knack for calling her when mike d is asleep and then she starts her lecture on how I woke him up, I have learned it's better to only call in an emergency. At the moment, she has no phone, she lost it at the casino, but I already typed all of the above so take it as the "What you should know." lesson of the day.
I walked through the door and put my bags down, the house was quiet and still. I went out back, knowing that she had spent the entire day with mike d and was probably exhausted. I knocked on the door, knocked again, then one more time. I walked around to the window to her apartment and knocked again, thinking they were sleeping and now a little worried. After no answer, I walked into the house and looked for the spare key. Found it.
All I could do was think, did she have a seizure, a sugar episode, or maybe she was "expired" and mike d is trying to see how many legos and hot wheels he could stuff into her mouth. I ran with the keys to find out what was going on. Once again, my mind racing.
I opened the door and her apartment was empty. This is not normal, she never leaves with mike d, maybe I missed her. I went to the house, her apartment is in the back and separated from the house. I walked into all the bedrooms, checked all the closets, the bathtub, the pantry, I was becoming frantic.
I called my grandmother, maybe my grandfather picked her up and they didn't call me. Well that was a mistake, my grandmother began asking saints I didn't even know existed for help. Her voice began to quiver, and she said to call around and do a double check, she was going to light a candle and pray. I hoped the house wouldn't catch fire, she is old and frail and if she lights a candle by the curtain and the wind carries the curtain just into the flame, then the entire nursing home consisting of both my grandparents and my elderly aunt would end up here with me, since my mom already has my sisters and there is no room. I could stuff them all into the apartment with my mother in law, she is korean and tiny, they will fit.
I then called my sisters, maybe she walked to my mom's house it's only a couple of blocks away. I called my son Tito and then sent a message to my husband. She was no where to be found. I paced the entire house, checked under the beds, under the comforters, there was no hiding, where the hell did the batty woman go?
Being a huge fan of Dexter and the first 48, I began looking for blood splatter, really what else could I do, sit and wait. I opened the door again, opened up all her closets, checked the corners, there was no sign of foul play, I counted the bottles, all three were there, where ever she went she needed to be back soon, he had no bottle. I saw her purse sitting on the counter. I grabbed a spoon and went through the inside, the wallet, the glasses, everything was in place. I sat outside and smoked my tenth cigarette. Knowing that once again, there is no way the cigarettes were doing anywhere near as much damage to me as she did.
I began to walk over to the side of the house, the area where I follow my dad to when he has to fix the plumbing or something. Yes I love to go under the house and follow my dad into the dirt and grime, there is a carpet laid out and there was only one time when he got semi shocked by a cable, not cool, but exciting. And I tell him about the treasure I swear I will one day find in this old shack. I bent down and pulled the closure open, nothing. Where the hell was she???
At that very moment I heard my name. I was talking to Nina on the phone and ran to the fence, I heard her, I screamed her name and ran around the other side, there was no way out through that side of the house, yes I live in a maze.
And there she was, looking like a wet nail lady, drenched in sweat and dragging a very pissed off 2 year old. Apparently she decided to take him to the park that is a block away and he went up on the ladder and wouldn't come down, it took her an hour to pull him off of the play set and drag him home. She weighs 70 lbs wet and he is a good 35 lbs solid.
I didn't have the heart to bitch her out, really she went to the park and I know how the little imp behaves, so I felt nothing but sympathy for her, she was completely out of breath and she was sweating and he was beet red, twisting himself out of her grip, hoping to escape, I know my child.
She told me he need a bath, I gave her a duh look, told her to jump in, I would bathe the both of them, she laughed and went to her apartment. I carried him to the bathtub and we got him all undressed. She didn't put any socks on him and the bathtub looked more like the gulf beaches. Sand from his body and shoes covered the bottom of the tub. Telling me that the plumbing will soon need to be fixed, and I am off to find treasure once again.
I walked through the door and put my bags down, the house was quiet and still. I went out back, knowing that she had spent the entire day with mike d and was probably exhausted. I knocked on the door, knocked again, then one more time. I walked around to the window to her apartment and knocked again, thinking they were sleeping and now a little worried. After no answer, I walked into the house and looked for the spare key. Found it.
All I could do was think, did she have a seizure, a sugar episode, or maybe she was "expired" and mike d is trying to see how many legos and hot wheels he could stuff into her mouth. I ran with the keys to find out what was going on. Once again, my mind racing.
I opened the door and her apartment was empty. This is not normal, she never leaves with mike d, maybe I missed her. I went to the house, her apartment is in the back and separated from the house. I walked into all the bedrooms, checked all the closets, the bathtub, the pantry, I was becoming frantic.
I called my grandmother, maybe my grandfather picked her up and they didn't call me. Well that was a mistake, my grandmother began asking saints I didn't even know existed for help. Her voice began to quiver, and she said to call around and do a double check, she was going to light a candle and pray. I hoped the house wouldn't catch fire, she is old and frail and if she lights a candle by the curtain and the wind carries the curtain just into the flame, then the entire nursing home consisting of both my grandparents and my elderly aunt would end up here with me, since my mom already has my sisters and there is no room. I could stuff them all into the apartment with my mother in law, she is korean and tiny, they will fit.
I then called my sisters, maybe she walked to my mom's house it's only a couple of blocks away. I called my son Tito and then sent a message to my husband. She was no where to be found. I paced the entire house, checked under the beds, under the comforters, there was no hiding, where the hell did the batty woman go?
Being a huge fan of Dexter and the first 48, I began looking for blood splatter, really what else could I do, sit and wait. I opened the door again, opened up all her closets, checked the corners, there was no sign of foul play, I counted the bottles, all three were there, where ever she went she needed to be back soon, he had no bottle. I saw her purse sitting on the counter. I grabbed a spoon and went through the inside, the wallet, the glasses, everything was in place. I sat outside and smoked my tenth cigarette. Knowing that once again, there is no way the cigarettes were doing anywhere near as much damage to me as she did.
I began to walk over to the side of the house, the area where I follow my dad to when he has to fix the plumbing or something. Yes I love to go under the house and follow my dad into the dirt and grime, there is a carpet laid out and there was only one time when he got semi shocked by a cable, not cool, but exciting. And I tell him about the treasure I swear I will one day find in this old shack. I bent down and pulled the closure open, nothing. Where the hell was she???
At that very moment I heard my name. I was talking to Nina on the phone and ran to the fence, I heard her, I screamed her name and ran around the other side, there was no way out through that side of the house, yes I live in a maze.
And there she was, looking like a wet nail lady, drenched in sweat and dragging a very pissed off 2 year old. Apparently she decided to take him to the park that is a block away and he went up on the ladder and wouldn't come down, it took her an hour to pull him off of the play set and drag him home. She weighs 70 lbs wet and he is a good 35 lbs solid.
I didn't have the heart to bitch her out, really she went to the park and I know how the little imp behaves, so I felt nothing but sympathy for her, she was completely out of breath and she was sweating and he was beet red, twisting himself out of her grip, hoping to escape, I know my child.
She told me he need a bath, I gave her a duh look, told her to jump in, I would bathe the both of them, she laughed and went to her apartment. I carried him to the bathtub and we got him all undressed. She didn't put any socks on him and the bathtub looked more like the gulf beaches. Sand from his body and shoes covered the bottom of the tub. Telling me that the plumbing will soon need to be fixed, and I am off to find treasure once again.
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