Chestnuts roasting

People probably think I am mean to my mother in law because she has no oven or stove, just a microwave. She doesn't live in a closet people, she has proven herself irresponsible for such luxeries.
Two years ago, I remember it was December because I remember the tree was up.
I woke up to a foul burning smell, it took a minute to register, but once I woke up I opened the door to a house full of smoke. I ran down stairs and there on the stove was a pot of chestnuts, black as the coal that Santa was going to be leaving her ass on Christmas morning, with shiney bows and all. I came up with the gift at that very second.
I shut off the stove, grabbed a towel and placed the pot o charded nuts in the sink. I walked into her room to find my dear mother in law sprawled on her bed with the remote in one hand, on TV a China man getting slapped by a China chick probably for some kinky shit that I can't follow because I am not Korean.
I woke her, she was shocked, the clock read 2 and at just about that time, I popped on the couch and watched a movie. How could I sleep, we opened the back screen door and let the downstairs air out.
"Chestnut." She said.
"I know, but not at 2 in the morning, no more cooking like this." Either she was falling back asleep or she was eyeing me and cursing me in her mind.
No matter, this has happened more than a couple of times. And how did this story come about.
This morning I thought she was cleaning the front yard. I was wrong. She is gathering acorns from the floor and has them out in the sun, in various containers, she hasn't decided if she is going to cook them or put them in a pillow case and use it as a foot massage. Apparently the recession has even the holiday squirrels losing out.
I don't know how she intends to cook up the nuts or acorns, but I hope for all that is holy, that she doesn't use sticks and twigs from the front yard and attempt to bar b que my house in the process.

Later that same day...my mother calls. She has gone shopping and found the perfect gift for my husband. A t-shirt with a squirrel holding an acorn, the shirt read "Can I bust a nut in your hole?" She left the t-shirt at the store and does nothing more than ask if she should go back. I can only pray they sell out or she finds another way to embarrass me.