Never Ending

Left work, got groceries, drove home, car accident, no speeding ticket, maybe a fender bender, no ambulance, move on, got home, dropped keys, opened door after several twists, maybe i should put down the groceries, came inside, asked diego for help, diego took a gallon of milk to mother in law, me-is mike d awake, d-i dont know and i dont care, me-i need help with groceries, i got you something, diego is gone, finished getting groceries out of car, gave diego reeses cups,went out back checked laundry(fuck, still wet from day before) go to mother in law, grabbed mike d, conversed with mother in law about diaper contents, argued about bump on his head, a fall vs mosquito bite, i win, she wins so she could shut up, it really was a bite, i swear, back to the kitchen, make spaghetti, wonder why cubans add e to spaghetti and pronounce it espaghetti, knowing that when they tell me "so what" they dont add an e, they just say "so what", they say it all the time, hold mike d with one hand, mix noodles with the other, put mike d down, open fridge, fight mike d for the door, screw the fridge, water bottles everywhere, bottom portion of fridge now empty, clean up mess, make espaghetti, diego wants to talk, d-i bet no one would make a bet with me, me-what kind of bet, d-i bet i can live out side of the house for a whole week, with out being in the house, and abuela wany will cook all my food, i will just live in the shelter, me- (obviously I cant cook) shelter?, d-you know where people live, me- I know what a shelter is where is the shelter, d-laundry shed, me-snakes and rats, are outside, d-no they arent, i havent seen them, you wanna bet me or no, me-we have to talk to your dad, conversation over, espaghetti in containers, lunch and dinner ready for manyana, diego needs a bath, turn on water, grab pjs and towels, back in the bathroom, mike d is in the tub clothes and all, bathe children, clean kitchen, mike d is out of tub, grab another towel, he is back in tub, sit on toilet, wait........get mike d out, put on t shirt, get diaper, mike d is on the top bunk under the covers, laughing at nothing, watch him and wonder the weight limit for child bunk, wait......cover naked tush with diaper, find more water bottles, fight mike d for cereal box, mike d wins, go to sofa, sit down talk to nina and mara, wonder how much of what they have been smoking, laugh at the ritards, watch mike d run into the kitchen, diego is screaming, hang up with sisters, d-mommy, there is cereal all over the bottom bunk, MICHAEL!!!!!, grab vacuum, vacuum bottom bunk, fight mike d for the on and off switch, vacuum and shake all covers, mike d crawls on drawer with cable box, going up the wrong side, continue to vacuum, mike d falls, bounces, cries and stumbles away, definitely a bump, mom calls-i am calling wany to pick up mike d, me- ok, look for bottle, lost baby bottle, scavenger hunt begins, mother in law (wany) comes in, sweating like a whore in church, wany-look at me i am menopause, me-that is possible you are almost 70, wany-i feel hot very hot, my legs have no strength (all in broken spanish, i know nothing about menopause, i listen and learn) miguel calls, we talk about menopause, she eats 4 bags of peppermint candy a day, possible sugar issue, i learned nothing, call mom, me-you havent called her, mom-i am taking a shower, me-then just leave him here, mom-let me see, call you back, bribe diego to get to bed, chase mike d, take off all the lights, mike d turns on tv, lights, epileptic seizure like tantrum, the dog barks, tito comes home, heats up espaghetti, me-bye, mike d comes from the depths of where ever, take a ride, off to hyde park, phone rings, mom-i am at your house where are you, me-hyde park, wait, i will be right there, dont know what time it is that i got home and sat down for real, but its 11:08 and i am taking off work clothes now. good night.

Nina

Today is my baby sister's 21st birthday, she is an adult, but only to the world and not yet to me. I want to start by remembering the day I met her 21 yrs ago, but I dont remember. I do remember taking care of her as if she were my play doll, not a Barbie for those suffered decapatations and other fatal injuries at my hands, Barbies suck. I would often change her diaper and feed her and clothe her and bathe her, my mother was too busy doing housework and laundry (thus began the basketcase years) what I didnt know then, that I know now, is that Nina in her own special way was preparing me for my own child, I had my son at the tender age of 15 and Nina was only 3 yrs old, I thought I was the mother of two growing children, and I never left her, she came with me to disney, parks, parties and where ever I was invited. My children still are my life, I am proud of her in ways she will never imagine, because she lacked parental guidance and still managed to make decisions that were best for her. I did the best to maintain the relationship but she ended up moving in with my other sister Mara, Mara took over and did an amazing job, Nina is the most responsible adult-child I know. She was well cared for by both of us, we made sure we knew everywhere she went, her friends, and her grades. She is 21 married and in college and I will always be here for her, no matter what odds she stands against, she will never stand alone. My parents were just the bank account.

That being said, I also watched her and my son fight and torture each other, one day Nina was in the spa bathtub my parents had and was taking a bubble bath, probably with her sweet sea doll and seahorse friend Flounder or whatever, anyways we had just adopted (I think this was Mara's brilliant plan) a cat named Oliver (after Oliver and Comp) Tito decides that he could take Oliver up and down with him through the house and in his little impish mind (the cat suffered minor nose bleeds from time to time) he decided to throw the cat in the tub with Nina, chaos followed. The cat was clawing to get out and Nina was screaming with surprise, when I walked in Tito had a horrified look on his face, as if he was not involved in the fiasco. All I remember is the cat spinning around Nina like the coins that spin on the donation funnel that just go round and round in circles, and the more I tried to grab the cat the more they both slid around, the cat made it out sounding like it was being skinned and Nina had scratches on her arms, legs, and back. There isnt anything else nice I can say, it is funny now.

And as for the cat...my mother decided one day to dry some laundry and heard a horrible commotion from the laundry machine, she opened the door and out flew the cat, I dont know where it went but she called me to tell me "I think I killed the cat!" The cat came back that night. The damn thing always made it back. One night I actually drove the satanic beast a half hour away and dropped it off and thought, we are done the cat. The cat came back. Ultimately Oliver passed away from some kitty disease complication and I am sure if my dad found out the price for a surgery to save it from its umpteenth life he would surely have removed my sister from the state and his will, and disowned her too. He has no price for animal life, I am surprised he allows London a doggie haircut, but he has no choice for the dingle berries that appear on his doggie behind smell something rotten. And as for my mother, she finally managed to save an animal from the chaos that is my house. Someone, maybe Mara, got Nina a bunny rabbit, now there is a phone call. My mother called me at work to tell me she vacuumed the rabbit. Me leave work for that, wicked the thought. She was vacuuming the cage and the rabbit dissappeared, not like the black hat trick, the damn thing looked puffy and all, but got sucked into the tube of the vacuum and well that was the end of bunny. I am sure that had he made it, he would have gone through some other horrific trauma at the hands of my mother, at one point or another we all do. Happy Birthday Nina.

Rope

The rope is one inch thick
And maybe ten feet long
I've tied the knot up tightly
And yanked on it, it's strong!
The bucket is now empty
I've placed it upside down
I've got the noose around my neck
My family, out of town
I've drank a little lately
A little more than alot
I wrote the note to say adios
I prayed and kissed the knot
I stood up on the bucket
My legs shook, my hands sweat
I couldn't stop from crying
I am alone, no safety net
"Forgive me and forget me
The choice I made was mine,
I will not leave too far away
And will visit you sometime."

PF Changs

This morning's breakfast was a complete fiasco, (thank you pinky's south tampa) in order to try to erase the memory, my husband and I decided to order take out at the Chang. The best Chinese bistro in the world (at least to us). We call in the order and then we gladly wait the 30 minutes at home. Pack up the gremlins and drive off to the mall, stop to pick up lotto tix on the way, then discuss how we are going to spend our fair share after the divorce. I walk into the Chang and notice that everyone is dressed up but me, there I am in sweats and a tank top in the middle of a gathering of young yups dressed to the nines. I stick out like a trekkie at a Starbux, I ask where I wait for take out and the slim waitress in her black slacks and skin tight black tee directs me to the far off corner away from the seater people. (The ones waiting to be seated with Martini's in hand) I wait for my food and walk out, there is a black limo outside and countless cars waiting to be valeted. I look for my husband in my little Yaris and walk around away from the traffic. After a couple of minutes in the blaring sun, I look at the take out bag and my wallet, wondering if I drove myself there, heat has now caused delusions, I obviously was dropped off and walk around pacing the side of the restaurant where teenagers in Abrocrombie are smoking and texting away. I finally find my husband riding around in the pinto bean, rather than wait I walk over to the car past the line of traffic. I opened the door "Did you forget something at home?", he replies "I was here, where were you." We argue and finally figure out, he was at the other side of the restaurant waiting for me and got stuck, how we missed each other is a Bita moment, not sure how those planets unaligned. I have this thirst for a cherry diet coke and we stop at a gas station, where they do not sell the drink, my husband points out the advertisement for a 16 oz soda 99 cents. I walk in and go to the refridgerator with all the drinks, all but soda, there is not one soda in the cold section, I pace and laugh, the little hindu leans over from the counter and sees me laugh, he obviously doesnt get the joke. How are you going to advertise the soda and not have it, that can not be plausible, I walk over to begin to point out the sign and there next to the door is the soda fridge, on the other side of where I stood for about 6 minutes total. I grab the sodas, no cherry, at the counter pay, walk out and begin the story for the hubster. Now he is telling me how I am a walking disaster. He wonders how I get through life, as do I. And tells me how I may not be high maintenance, with the manis and pedis, but still I manage to chip away at his life and he hasnt ages in years as much as he has with me, well he is no walk in the park either, so there we both age each other. We are perfect, and in that moment, yadda yadda, yadda, not only are we to have and to hold, till death do us part, but with all that and growing old together we are doing an amazing job, the both of us, stabbing and picking away at the years causing the growing old part to progess at an astonoshing pace. By the way, (DOAB vs Pinky's cont'd) Pinky not only did I wait for an hour, half an hour at home and in the sun again, but the food at the Chang was amazing, and when I got home they forgot the white rice and the chopsticks, but that is ok, because PF Changs can do that. You, however, are no PF Chang's, dont get it twisted you will never even be a P in the running, they can make me wait, give me delusional and senile thoughts, and forget half my meal and it would still surpass the experience I had with you. Bon appetit bitch.

Mileg's Birthday Card

I would like to thank my husband for putting up with me and my family after all of these years. My parents got him pajamasthis year, his birthday was Friday, what better than new comfy pjs and a birthday card, I always look forward to birthday cards from my mother. I picked up the card when I got home, it was on the counter next to the bday bag, he had the day off, saw my parents, gift exchanged, I wasnt there to see his face, he just told me "They had you in mind when they wrote it!" I looked at the card, a green card with butterflies and flowers, that wasnt manly but it was cute... Let me spell out the inside, the card says "Happy Birthday(outside)...(inside) to someone who is always a joy." My mother in her infinite wisdom writes and adds, "To Miguel, lots of love." She always puts lot of love, not sure why its the only catch phrase she adds to birthday cards that is consistant, the rest is icing on the cake. Einstein adds "May the camel always walk the desert, and Sylvia (with a y and then scratched out into an i) rides her broom."

So there it is, and Silvia (me) always rides her broom, let me just tell you where I got the broom from, Broomhilda herself furnished me with such a contraption, my mother comes up with some crazy shit, this is just an example. Yes she adds also Mara and Nina made me write this, but where did they get that from, she must have gone through countless different little stab like quotes to get to this one, I would love to hear all the ones that popped into that mind before making her final decision. Not only does she love to poke at everyone with her broom and boil up gossip and fact together to stir up shit in her cauldron, but she also has taught me everything I know about bitching and complaining, asking for something and when you get it, pointing out everything wrong about it and why it is "What I wanted" but also your mistake. I learned from the best Mommy Dearest. And no, I am not upset about what she wrote, I ride the broom proudly, but please try and remember how you spelled my name on the birth certificate. What is up with the camel and the desert, who's the camel?

Letter to Pinky's-South Tampa

Dear Pinky's


I have never felt more unwelcome to an eatery in all of my life. Today was my husband's birthday (the day after-see hangover) and I thought it would be a perfect day to eat at the great Pinky's for their popular and "Oh so fabulous" breakfast. We were welcome in the parking lot by a customer going the wrong way, stuck on Bay to Bay Blvd unable to enter the parking lot, we began the traffic line, the young lady in the car began to wave her hands and argue at us, screaming from her just-got-washed preppy shiney black sedan. Due to prior drunkeness we found this comical and just watcher her hit reverse and forward until she made a 9 point turn in the parking lot and parked. We circled around Andretti* and parked across the street. We had no clue about the Pinky rules, we wrote our name on the pad and paper, table for 4 (2 couples), stood behind a group, another table for 4, that included the irrate driver. *Possibly a regular* After standing for 5 minutes, we decided to wait outside. We watched over 20 people get seated before us. Not one time did the girl seating people come to offer us coffee, or to explain that you grab a cup and help yourself. She did come outside to ask us if we wanted to sit in the blistering Florida heat. we declined and waited for a table. After 45 minutes of waiting, I walked inside, into the middle of a room filled with chatter, rather pleasant if you belong there. Not one waitress looked to assist me, nor did they offer any type of service or apology. After an agonizing 50 mintues of no table or coffee, a table for 2 opens and has 3 seats. The waitress comes up to me to ask if my party, 2 couples (4 grown adults) would like to squeeze in? A small round table, you know the type if you have been there, about 2 feet wide all around, full circle, I looked up at her and began to wonder, completely confused but giving her the benefit of the doubt (everyone there probably ate crisps of air and veggie broth in order to maintain boyish figures, they dont need space, or plates, or spoons for that matter, and for the love of god, dont sit them outside, they may burst or melt, depending on the work done) "I have been waiting for an hour!" (Maybe ten minutes less, who has a watch?) Really did the little fairy girl, after so much time I have now dubbed the name Lily Tree, not see that there was no physical way we could do that. Her response and the reason I write this letter "I am only trying to seat you." Yes she did offer to sit us outside, and there was now one table getting ready to pay, she said "Either you wait or not." I smiled, she left. No apology, no explination, basically, you wait, or as I saw it "Leave, you dont belong here." What else could I think of, why should my party not be allowed or able to sit or eat inside. Please tell me she isnt a Plant Alumni, not because she looks like she came out of the woods but because any feeble minded person could piece together that 2 couples sitting seperately outside, could sit seperately inside just as easily. 50 minutes earlier when she began seating all the other 2 top tables, she should have offered us the option first, at least then we dont bitch about waiting an hour to sit together, I see my son and his girlfriend everyday, they could sit on the other side of the room, 4 feet away, not a catastrophic disaster. Really Lily Tree, couldnt you just ask "Would you mind sitting next to each other instead?" I would have preferred that to waiting an hour. There is a list of things wrong with the service, the fact that for an hour we were completely unwelcome and ignored spruced up the birthday weekend, after an hour of waiting we walked out, nothing would save this dining experience, Andretti who almost ran us over, was in front of us, ate, and left as we sat outside, me melting in my Covergirl foundation and Target sweats, the waitress would not even make contact but made friends with every other flower child that walked in and out, amazingly some with no undergarments, and gravity seemed to not affect their body parts. Wow, breakfast there must be out of this fucking world, but I will never know, nor will I ever step foot into their establishment again. (tirade of DOAB vs Pinky's to be cont'd...)

S Y L V I A

My birth given name is Silvia, most who have spelled it spell it with a "y", which irritates the hell out of me, so I have long ago taken Silvita and Bita and Barla, not liking Silvia or mom unless I have to. I was named after a distant grandmother somewhere along the tattered generation of my family. Some senile person that I probably like as a memory more than some of my currently living relatives. My mother spells it with a "y". I don't know that I can comment any further without spewing curse words about the matter. If you read my blog you will soon see why this is important.

Hearing Aid-Story from a long time ago

Write, write, write, every author I have ever met gave me the same advice. I just cant seem to focus on a novel, I try. I have issues (see prior blog) So not only have I taken it upon myself to self medicate (see drink alcohol) but I figured months ago that it was time for me to see yet another doctor (see Psychiatrist) So I called an office that was suggested by my therapist, since to me the exercise given of taking deep breaths, focusing on the muscles from the tips of my toes to the top of my head was only condusive of me making mental grocery lists while I watched her with squited eyes stretching and talking in yoga fashion, like a lion waking from hibernation, it just didnt work for me, so I humored her anyways. The lovely receptionist Carla gave me the number to their favorite psych within my insurance plan, Dr R, I refuse to use his name in order to save others from embarrassment. Dr R gave me an appointment immediately, I later found out why he was so open. I walked into the office and filled out a small edition of a thesaurus with questions about me, my thoughts, and medical background. We wont get into that. The bubbly receptionist, probably on facebook, smiled to me, I was the only one it the office, no one went in and no one came out. She had me sign some papers about payments and confidentiality. I didnt really care about that, ask me and I will lay back on a park bench and tell you my life story beginning at age 13 when it all began. She was very sweet and smiled alot, she looked at me and cocked her head to the side, remember this is my first visit, the day I tell it all and then divulge more at each session. She said "I'm sorry, we tried to call you" my phone is on silent always, thanks to the no cell phone rule at my call center office, "We cancelled all of today's session, but just couldnt get through to you, his hearing aids are not working and well, you will just have to speak a little louder" I look around for a candid camera or Ashton Kutcher ready to jump out and tell me I've been punked, no Ashton, thank god for him, his body reminds me of a kindergarten playground where I can learn all kinds of handstands and backflips and much more about my flexibility than I would learn at the circus training for trapeze artists, anyways, I look at her and smile"I can reschedule" my boss would be pissed but I could. Please say yes, "No honey, you're already here you will be just fine, just speak a little lounder", I think a conversation with Helen Keller would have been more productive. I walk in and realize I have been set up with a walking corpse, he was probably a member of the medicare plan I work for, he was smiling, but more from squinting than a genuine smile, he stared and wrote, I did as much sign language as I could, at the end of the session, I had 4 children, was adopted and was possibly a cancer patient in remission. No problem, I walked out of the office with 4 different prescriptions, to this day only 2 I still use, needless to say, that is one dr visit I will never forget, I am due for a visit and for the most part just nod when I need to and take a pen and paper for the things I cant signal, we have learned to adjust to our flaws and have had a good relationship ever since, although I am not sure he knows who I am after a year of being his patient, and its all about the smile.

Water Time

My garden is filled with weeds that think they are trees, some with thorns almost impossible to remove. I have cement in 95% of the backyard and living under a massive oak tree (Helga) assures me to have bundles of leaves falling around the house every single day. With this being said, bugs and ants roam the land and attack anyone who dares to linger around longer than they should. So when I discover the baby's love for water, I choose to play in the house. Once a day, aside from bath time, when baby M gets too rowdy and uncontrollable he gets to play with water time. Instead of a $5 pool from wallyworld that will harden and crack under this scorching Florida sun, we head to the bathtub. His toy pelican and various balls lay about and wait for him to put them to use. Today he hid under D's (the 8 yr old's) covers and did his doodie in peace and silence, he hatched out of the coccoon of poo and left a familiar scent where ever he stopped to discover a new idea. Digging under the TV table I grabbed him and interrupted another sure internet disconnection, wiped him up and gave him a quick wash, then let the faucet drip and googled away. The tub clogger far from his reach and my toes dipping for a quick refreshing splash. This is probably one of the only moments that sanity makes an appearance. He enjoys the splashing and I stepped away to look for the cell phone that I heard from a distance. D fell asleep on the sofa. Unable to find the cell I go back the the now flooded bathroom and remove the stupid pelican. He has managed to scoop out enough water to saturate the rainbow rug and my pink flea market robe. Three towels later, the bathroom is now much drier. It didnt take but one good pelican full to cause the damage, my bathroom is smaller than my cubicle. I facebook my cousin to call me so I can find the phone, and again I hear it ringing. I shut off the water and find myself in the kitchen, the fridge is ringing, open the fridge grab the phone, turn around only to find a little streaker screeching away in the living room. There are dingle berries in the living room, thank god they are not hanging from the curtains, I would have surely burned those down. The joys of boys. And that is my water time. I wonder if this will land me on the water department's most wanted list?

Forgotten

Today I drove home and walked into a cranky household, the 2 yr old hasnt napped. Wonderful.
The phone rings and Lucy called to babysit, she misses him. She hasnt spent time with him in days. I warned her about the gremlin and she said she was on the way, and so I waited. (This isnt where I get forgotten)
An hour later, the living room is turned upside down, there is milk oozing out of a blue guitar, and there is a streaker in the house. I chase him down and after wrestling and putting together a diaper, hoping it doesnt fall off or cause for easy access to a trail of urine. (Puddles are known to appear here and there, when you least expect it of course.) Lucy knocks on the door, the dog and the 8 yr old run sprint for the door, barking and yelling, the baby in tow. It's Lucy, an hour late but at least she made it. She trips over the playskool red sit and spin, and leaps over the worm tunnel that the baby enjoys to hide and poop in. She brings dinner into the kitchen, I realize that the portion will cause a small war in the late night between the two eldest boys who will fight over a home cooked meal. I taste the chicken and it is delish, the best I have had.
I continue to wash dishes and Lucy announces she needs cigarettes. She just walked through the door. I asked her why didnt she get them before coming over and she said that she got a phone call to come now because the baby is ready to sleep, basically Guano (mother in law) called Lucy and told her to hurry he was going to pass out now. Not at all true, he was too busy doing what he does best. Not sleeping. She says she has to go and needs help with the baby, reading between the lines, I offer to ride with her. After bundling the gremlin in the car, Lucy drops me off at her house with the baby. I just shut my mouth, because I dont know how to ask, why are you taking me to your house to babysit the child you picked up from my house to babysit, I figured this is just part of my twilight zone life, I must be missing something.
She gets her newports, comes back and says ok, you can go. I sit and wait, Marla and Carla (sisters) are watching TV and I dont want to bother them at all, not their kid, not their problem. So I go back into the bedroom, Lucy is bathing the baby, mintes later I walk in and she is folding laundry, she is busy. I tell her I have to leave, she asks me if the baby misplaced the remote. Then says, go, go, he wont even know you are gone. I leave to wait for her, she is surely going to put on Yo Gabba Gabba to entertain him while she drives me home.
I think to myself, Why am I here, I left an 8 yr old and house in shambles to babysit for my babysitter, I sit in Lucy's living room waiting for her to take me home, 1/2 hr goes by, and I text Carla "Why am I here, should I walk home?" No response. I already asked Lucy, she didnt hear what I said. You dont ask Lucy anything and make her flustered, because then you are faced with Satan.
Suddenly Carla dashes by to ask Lucy why I am here, Lucy says "Oh she can go, he will be fine." And then came the words I didnt know how to say "You drove her here, she has no car." Lucy's face drained in color. "I forgot." were the only words she could muster, I was immediatey struck with total empathy, because in that moment, I realized she did forget, as I sat and waited for her, she thought I drove home (in my spaceship or somthing from the jetsons, like that tube in the bank that carries your money to the teller). Carla grabbed her purse "Lets go!" I followed because Carla was in no mood and I already imposed indirectly by making her drive me in pajamas not meant for public viewing, she drove me home.
Next time I walk, no one would have ever known the differnce. People only see what they want to see. And they see right past you and through you, you are indispensible in a moment. The second Lucy had her cigarettes and her baby boy, she just forgot about the person she needed to obtain those things. So that is how I was forgotten. It happens, not the first time, not the last. Lets see what adventures are waiting for me tommorrow.

State of Mind

State of Mind

Scream into the darkness
Curse out all your pain
Drink up from the bottle
And do it once again
I know I’m not alone
With my demons and my lies
Angels come to help me
A devil’s locked inside
Once again I’m frightened
As they both crash in my mind
I’ve lost sight once again
My soul fights to survive
This body that was mine
Corroded to the core
My eyes sink down now deeper
Not who was here before
I barely recognize her
The monster in this room
She can’t seem to escape it
Her life has met its doom
Longing for forgiveness
This journey’s at its end
Who can welcome me now?
The devil or his friend
I can’t seem to decipher
The wrong way or the right
As suicide surrounds me
A good bye I must write
I’m thankful for good times
Wiser for the bad
Abandoned by so many
My sanity’s gone mad