Purfumania

Practical jokes are a great past time in my family, in my life. When I work and tend to get sleepy from doing the same thing over and over, I find things to do, that I probably shouldn't. I have taped the bottom of everyone's mouse at some point, or I have put a piece of tape over the phone, so that when you pick up the phone isn't actually connected. Things like that, even rearranging their desk, especially at Christmas with all the crap they bring out to decorate their desk. One time I switched someone's desk with an empty cubicle, placing everything exactly as it was at the empty desk, that was priceless.
Yesterday it was perfume. Norma handed me a sample of Red, must have been from when Macy's was Burdine's, forever ago. I opened it, took a whiff, and immediately thought of decrepit tata. Yes I have old aging aunts and grandmothers, so I can say that. It's probably the closest thing to a dead body I can compare. I have yet to take a tour of the morgue, I am probably up on a picture board as a do-not-let-this-person-in kind of thing.
I went to my desk and was going to throw it away, when I got this fabulous idea to mess with someone's desk. I looked around and Mathew being the quiet one was the perfect target. I balled up a napkin and doused it with the sadistic concoction. Not thinking that I was being engulfed in the horrible stench.
I walked by and was pushed by the few that knew what I was doing, Nikke and Myrna kept their distance. Sonia called Mathew to help and he was on a call, I have no patience so I walked by and bent down and threw it in the trash can, done. I walked away and minutes later realized that the scent had stuck to me, I couldn't get the smell off of me. I thought about it and felt bad, so I walked over and took it out of his garbage and proceeded to throw it in my boss' trash.
My boss tends to get sick easily, after thinking this through again, I decided that I wanted to keep my job and retrieved the napkin and placed it in Rosa's trash can, she deserved it.
At this point my workplace smelled like a brothel, and the napkin had been around more than the captain of the cheer leading squad.
I walked over to Sonia so she could smell me and she was on a call and shooed me away, so I rubbed my hands on her and grabbed her nose. Laughing my ass off as she took out hand sanitizer and did everything but gargle it. I took the hand sanitizer myself and tried to take the smell off.
I sat at my desk and now smelled like a doctor's office, it wasn't working for me so I took the coconut and lime lotion and started with my elbows and worked my way down. The smell was even worse, and now I was also sticky and felt more like a used condom. I only say this because there was white lotion all over my, slathered between my fingers, my rings and my watch.
Spending so much time away from my desk, I couldn't leave to the bathroom. I tend to get into trouble easily so I figured staying put was smarter.
The boss came around and having sinus issues, didn't notice that he walked into a joke gone bad. I told him all about it, he paid no mind to me and went about his way.
Rosa came over and had developed a unibrow, her face said it all, she placed the trash bag at my desk and took off back to her desk. I followed her and she waved me away, I have no idea what I smelled of at this point. She has a shimmer gel at her desk, and what the hell, I might glisten like a Cullen if I am going to smell like an ass. So I sprayed that all over myself and before that touched up on Rosa's shoulders a little to make sure she remembered this day.
After all was said and done, I was sanitized, moisturized and whore-ified with all of the lotions at my reach, the more I walked around the more people made faces, the garbage can ended up next to the fax machine, just to share the joy with the entire office and when my husband picked me up he immediately scowled at me, "What in God's name is that awful smell?"
I had to then explain the story and first thing I did when I got home was scrub myself down with my Almond Vanilla Caress, making it all better.
Note to self-Unless you want to remember decrepit tata, elderly relatives and old ladies that ride public transportation do not wear the perfume Red, ever.