Mikey in the Middle

Detours suck, I now have to drive pass my usual route adding five minutes to my drive to work, going home is a disaster because there are blinking red lights on Tampa Rd, a very congested strip of road, today it took me a record twenty minutes to cross it. Yes, that is possible.
It wasn't until half way home that I noticed my AC shooting out hot air, kinda like when you open up popcorn and you move the bag away, for hundred degree weather it felt just like that, except I can't move out of the way, unless I jump out to oncoming traffic, not a bad idea from time to time.
I rolled down the window, of course it was raining, at this point I am dripping from my left arm and my eyebrows have developed beads of sweat that have now begun to cascade from my head to my neck into my bra, and quite possibly some kind of fermentation has begun in my nether regions.
On Kennedy I get a call from mother, she is laughing and mike d is hysterical, the call drops, I call back three more times, she finally picks up.
"He is having a tantrum in the middle of Publix. We past the movie section and he saw the Wonder Pets movie and started to throw himself back, he doesn't even like the fucking Wonder Pets."
"Mom, I am on Kennedy, stay there, I will be right there."
It is now 5:40, in twenty minutes I have to pick up Diego and pay the fee, already late because we are having major issues paying online, I have no checks on me, so I need to stop at the house any way. I drive to Publix and pass my mother who is about to pull into opposite traffic, what part of stay there did I say in a foreign language, I stop traffic and watch her turn behind me. Thank God, that one brain cell decided to work today.
I pull into a spot, she pulls in next to me. Mike D is then pried out of his car seat and when I go to put him into my car be begins to convulse. I tried to shove him in sideways, horizontal, then head first, no luck. The genius who took him to Publix, thought it would be brilliant to shut him up with a little cup of ice cream. He shuts up long enough for me to strap him in.
I give him the little cup and it immediately begins to melt. Remember no AC, yay!
I am now a woman on a mission, weaving through traffic to drop him off. My next conversation is also with a Darwin award winner.
I call my mother in law to meet me at the front of the house to grab the imp.
"I am late to pick up Diego, I am going to drop off mike and go, meet me at the house."
"I have Dr appointment tomorrow, I can't watch him."
"This is for now, my mom will watch him tomorrow, I just need to pick up Diego by six."
I hear her say "Uhh" "Sixeee" and the wheels start turning, then like a thousand watt light bulb going off.
"How about this... you drop off Mike now, pick up Diego and tonight take him to your mom."
Once again she has left me speechless. Do I celebrate the splendid idea, or point out that she just repeated word for word what I said in the first place. (I thought of my response.)
"You are right, I don't know what I was thinking." (bashing head into dashboard)
I park and come face to face with the ice cream monster, not only had he gotten some into his hair, but it is now dripping onto the carpet in the back seat and he is drenched from tshirt, to shorts, let's not forget the socks and shoes. I pull him out and throw the cup as far as I can away from me, aiming at an imaginary portrait of my mother and mother in law.
Before closing the door I look at the puddle of vanilla ice cream, deep down someone is watching and laughing, I still think I am God's personal sitcom.
I refuse to carry the sticky gremlin and make him walk, which turns into a dragging tug of war.
Straight to the bathtub and off with his clothes, my nudist is now delighted that he can have watertime and begins to line up the shampoo bottles.
I call my mother in law, unable to leave mike d in the bathtub, I begin to call her telepathically, the phone is in my purse in the car.
The ice cream soaked outfit is in the kitchen sink and through the window I see her come around back, I bang on the window and she tries to go through my back door. Of course it's locked. I go to the bathroom to wait for the woman who carries the genes that were embedded into my child, lined up are all the shampoo bottles and the dog is gnawing at his sweet enhanced shoes, I grab the shoes and pop Juno on the head, stupid dog.
She comes in and takes over, I run around looking for a check, no where that it's supposed to be.
I finally found one in my husbands drawer. Take it and haul ass.
I get to pick up Diego at 6:05, five dollars added to my tab, thank you mothers.
After hitting every red light there, and going to rent the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, I come home and find that he is not home. I run out back to assess the damage. He is now playing with pennies and pens and paper, the moment he sees me, it all goes to hell and he wants to come home up front with me.
I take him and the war is now with the DS, I stupidly purchased The Backyardigans game, but mike d has a pet peeve with the DS and having it connected to charge. He sits under the comforted and begins to do what looks to be somersaults under the bed spread. The DS is not working, the DS is not connected, I connect, he disconnects, this is all I did as I cooked chicken alfredo with bow tie pasta.
The eight o clock hour comes and he is still battling it out with everything that doesn't go his way. I go out to have a cigarette and my mother calls to see how he is doing.
"The demon that you sent over is still throwing temper tantrums, he didn't nap did he?"
"No, where is he?"
"He is in the back."
"You know you can bring him, I am not doing anything just some laundry." Really, can I really bring him, drop him off, papers and all, will you call me to pick him up ever again.
I get ready to pack it up and Fed Ex him to my mothers, my mother in law jolts through the door with an empty bottle.
"I need milk."
"Where is he."
"He is sleeping, he should wake up at 8 am, tell your mother to be here then."
Why can we not keep a set schedule, why do you people insist that I take my Xanax three times a day within a 4 hour period. I call the other one.
"Mom, pick him up tomorrow at 8 AM. I am charging the DS, I have his clothes ready. And I will be at work until 5 pm, if he gets possessed again, do not call me, call a priest!"
Let us pray....God help them, help me, and give me the patience I need to not commit manslaughter. Amen.