A letter to a dear relative

Hopefully you know who you are
Happiness is a journey not a destination, no I didn't make it up, it's a refrigerator magnet.
I dont know which website it is you go to so that you can find a mate, but I think you may be better off going to a bar or brothel, I think they exist in Tampa.
You seem to be having a rather difficult time finding a partner, it's really not that hard. For some people they just have to lower their standards, for others, like you, a checklist would be more ideal.
Lets start with your first pick: Titana, it rhymes with her name, or we could also call her the Mega B (you could take it for boobs or bitch, your choice) This one was very nice on the first meet, maybe to impress the family, maybe intimidation played a part, anyways, you marked off the boobs and forgot to mark off the ass, because this was something she failed to have, she didn't have much of a personality either, she reminded me more of an old woman in a child's body. She was also not in the same age group. Lets start at 18 from now on, deal?
Of all the people in the world, you choose they most non friendly person walking the earth. I don't think she ever genuinely smiled. And the fact that she spoke no spanish wasn't a plus, and she should have realized that. It's like that thing they say, if you are ugly with a personality great, or if you a pretty and dumb as a door knob, you could get by, this piece of work was not attractive, nor nice, nor petite, she was a big bosomed brute who was more butch than bitch, but in the end bitch was the true color. DENIED.
Then you must have crossed off Tinkerbell, you found a pixie. Petite, blond and even the pointy ears, she had all the makings of a fairy. Being Peter Pan is a dream we all dwell on from time to time. You made it a reality and found that it was not all it was cracked up to be. Your little pixie chick was a little too friendly with the alcohol, not a problem in my book, actually a plus for me. But really she should look to be more buddy buddy with mama bear, she failed. Over time and over drinks and probably an obscene night or two, showing you things you could only find on youtube and in movies, you decided she was not the one. DENIED.
This last one was Sybil, she was cute, but psycho. Look crazy people lie, trust me. These websites that give you the promise of a happily ever after don't look at mental backgrounds. They ask questions and the mentally impaired, although crazy and insane, are keen on how to get by without being pin pointed as psychotic, we know how to answer those questions well. In the end, she too was a little out of your playing field, more along the lines of a Stephen King movie in the making. DENIED.
Why don't you just let your dear and beloved family choose a mail order bride for you. Speaks spanish doesn't mean you can't be a redneck, there are all sorts of people, whom we actually know and just got off the raft shortly ago.
So we can find one for you, HOORAY!
Must:
Be cute and at least mildly feminine
Posses proper grammar, english or spanish
Speak at least a little spanish (Italians may apply)
Eat roadkill or wild game (I am sure this is a secret, but yeah, I think you kill things with bb guns)
Think that camouflage is a color by crayon
Enjoy motorcross and nascar
Not be a grenade (see Jersey Shore)
Be able to mark off at least ten "you might be a redneck if" (there are tons, buy the book and start highlighting)
Know the difference between a mustang and any other vehicle
No vegans
Get along with the mother in law (this means enjoying the casino, cutting coupons, and recycling everything from diapers to ziplock bags)
If you can mark off at least half of these requests, please respond to my email to schedule a date with a Cuban redneck
Thank you for participating in my attempt to make the world a better place (for me)