Happy Birthday to me

My birthday came and went and I am now a year older, I hate birthdays, at least mine.
All I wanted was to go to the casino, that is all.
I woke up congested and full of phlegm, Mike D had given me the gift of snot. I had Friday off and stayed home sick. I hoped to wake up at 5 am and go to the casino, but 5 am came and went and I slept.
My sisters, the dears that they are, brought me thai and I ate it like a starved Ethiopian, and I had to share with Mike D, he eats everything.
Mara walked in with 2 band aids on her cheek. Which caught my attention, why did she have a band aid, workers comp, did she eat a taco too hard and it went through her cheek?
I stared and asked, "Why do you have a band aid on your cheek?"
"Burn from work, not too bad, but it blistered."
Oh my, a wound, and a fresh wound at that.
"Wanna see?"
"Hell yes, I wanna see, rip that baby off!"
She took her sweet ass time and peeled away the bandages, and the slower she went, the closer I got. She peeled it off and I was an inch away from her cheek, then she barked.
I jumped back and was taken by surprise, so much my armpits itched, I know that when I get really scared my armpits start to itch.
She laughed and laughed, and Nina was in on it too, in the background jumping around like a leprechaun.
"Bitch!"
They knew I would fall for their ploy. But that's ok.
As we sat and watched TV, Juno sat on Mara's lap and when he got off, he left a Hershey's kiss on her pants, and she looked at me in horror.
I tapped a finger into the chocolaty delight, and smelled it.
"It's dog shit." Wiping it on her pants.
"Go use that, it's just Fabuloso with water, just spray it."
Being the inventor that I am, I clean with whatever spray bottle I find, and if it's empty, I fill it with Fabuloso and water. She looked at the bottle, "This says Clorox, does it have Clorox?"
I looked at Nina and shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know, guess we shall find out, spray it."
She gave me a cockeyed look and walked off to the bathroom, not risking her jeans with my Clorox bottle concoction.
She came back out and had a wet spot on her jeans.
"You got a spot."
She just glared at me, we watched our show. I walked out to have a cigarette and my dad pulled up. My darling sisters left me with the investment banker, left me to be interrogated on my everything. I should have slashed their tires or made Mara wash her jeans here, so I wouldn't be left alone for the Spanish Inquisition.
He lectured, I nodded and he left.
Mike D had snot coming out of every hole is his little body, he looked so frail, I decided a bath would be good. We got in the tub and I decided to shave, I had a month's worth of hair growing on my legs, another day and I could have dreads coming out of the bottoms of my pants, stemming from where it all started, the happy trail, was overly happy and uncontrollable.
I shaved one leg and Mike D decided he was getting out. I sat in the tub screaming for him to return, the only thing I heard was "No." quite clearly. I continued to shave and suddenly blocks were being thrown in the tub.
"Micheal No!" This was all you heard as he filled the tub with his Mega Blocks, one by one they filled the bathtub, I was in no shape to run after him with one leg shaved and the other white with foam. I waited till he was done and he jumped back in the tub. I was almost finished and he began throwing the damn blocks out of the tub.
The blocks have crevices and they held water, and as he slung them out, my bathroom was flooded, I shaved with one hand and held the blocks that I could with the other. He sat in the tub and began to do the crocodile twist, I had no chance.
He got away and took off, I got out of the tub and found him on the bunk bed, the top buck. He was stark naked and knew I couldn't reach him. The bunk only holds a third of my weight, I bribed him with candy, and toys, until he eventually came to me and I grabbed him and dressed him. Casino night could not possibly get here fast enough.