The Enchanted Kitchen

It is never a dull moment when I head to the trash trailer. (My aunt has given herself this name, I am only calling her what she tells me to.)
As I pull around the bend, I spot my aunt in the middle of the street directing traffic. Let me clarify that there are only two parking spots, she doesn't live at the stadium or in an apartment complex, one spot is taken by Nina, my grandparents were parked to the side. I was sent across the street to park at the neighbor's house. Someone important was probably coming and she needs that one spot open.
I looked her up and down, I thought that you didn't wear white after Labor Day, but she wore white. A white skirt, or a white tube top pulled down to her bottom made to look like a skirt. No! There was no way, there was a slit that scaled up to what only a geriatric gynecologist would be able to look at without going blind or being attacked by spiders from cobwebs. She clomped back and forth across the street, she was waiting for twenty guests. I took a seat next to Tuty and Nina, and then my grandparents were there. That was pretty much the crowd.
Who wants to go to a party that sells thousand dollar pots and pans?
Hell yes me! I want to know exactly what they do, I mean a thousand dollars. When she called me to tell me that she was having a party, she didn't tell me what it was about until after the phone seduction, she was not taking no for an answer.
Then she told me that she told the sales people we are poor, we are all poor and can't afford any of their crap. She was basically having them come over and cook for us, and we in return sat and ate and were not allowed to buy anything. They are selling at a trailer park, where bartering is a way of life. The only thing that she could offer them was adult companionship and trinkets from flea markets and as seen on tv ads.
In my head these pots and pans flip the pancakes and hamburgers, they serve the meal, they also wash themselves and walk themselves back to the cupboard. I hoped she was mistaken and instead this was an ultra extravagant Naughty Night Party where they displayed golden dildos that cost a thousand dollars that gyrated like a college student in his prime and whispered sweet nothings to the closest orifice that would stop to listen, that would be something I want to see. I would stop and listen, swear.
We sat and our tummies rumbled. The two presenters passed around pans, the coolest part was the grease that was inside of the pans, you didn't have to add grease to your meal, and they are made of airplane parts, way to recycle people.
And they had a lifetime guarantee, so my kids would use them, as would my grandkids. And they have been selling for years, (thinking) now I have one more thing to keep an eye out for at the flea markets and garage sales. Old people cook, old people die, and families sell it all at garage sales in Tampa. If I pick one up and call them, they would come in and replace the whole set. These people were just full of information. These aerobatic kitchen strap ons were so amazing that they made your food taste better, they did...well, I kinda got bored at about this time, they were actually teaching us nutritional facts. I strummed my fingers through my just-straightened hair, Nina sat right behind me, as I picked out the strands of hair, I held them up until they floated and glided into the air like butterflies, landing directly onto Nina. This entertained me for a good half hour until the meal started.
They brought out a potato peeler and diced, cut, and julienned potatoes and different fruits and veggies. I was in awe, I had to pick up Tuty's jaw from the floor, you would have thought that David Copperfield just made a trailer disappear, we were just staring at this metal machine that did amazing things that usually took us forever. We talked like the men from Wall Street plotting and planning on paying for this and then setting up custody and visitation schedules for the different pieces.
The man presenter walked around with various things to show us, I didn't pay attention, until I looked up and then I had to do a double take, he had one eyebrow, not like my dad's unibrow, but like non stop hair growth from one temple to the other, and just under the middle, above the bridge of his nose, a goatee. Isn't that something, today was just full of amazement.
The food didn't taste too different, the potato was bland, the veggies, were veggies. My aunt paraded around in her receding skirt and served drinks, as she served by grandfather, who at this point probably had his hearing aide set to the baseball game and nodded with each pitch, had to jerk up and watch his prostate as my aunt jabbed the red cup between his thighs, when she was coming up to me, I held out my hand, in fear she would be shoving it between my bra, making the girls work double time.
They must have been from a cult, 3 hours later, we were fed, taught, and the sect leaders were shoving papers in our face, financial questions, how I eat, how much I will save, professing their ways of life and how they will make my life better.
I gracefully gave my kisses and hugs and made my way to the car. I had promised to have a show at my house and I left with regret at the promise, double drats, they got me!
I pulled over before I got home, because there was a little gnawing going on in my brain, I thought about what happens to things and to people who sell crap like this. I went on Ebay and found an entire set for a little over $200, I called my sister Nina, because I knew that Darth Vader and Princess Laila had Tuty in their clutches, enticing her to not only buy a full set, but to have her out their selling, it's like a religion, next thing you know they are taking over Clearwater and your children are out there cooking chicken under an hour with no preservatives.
"Nina I just found all that shit on Ebay for $200, grab Tuty and shield her from their eyes, they will suck her in, we have to act quick or we'll lose her."
Nina responds, "Oh, we already left, but she did schedule a party for Wednesday."
We may have lost one to their game, but today I am nuking my hot dog in the fight against their mission and I didn't answer the phone to any local unknown numbers, they will not take me without a fight.