Mike D and Diego are outside playing with the silly hose, on sale at the Wally World for $7 what a bargain!
Diego is the adjuster of the water pressure, from the kitchen window I see him take off the water, Mike D looks into the hose, Diego blasts it full force, instant screaming with a tantrum to boot, Diego is laughing his buttocks off. I knock on the window and scream obscenities, he can't hear me, but he can see the rage, he smiles and steps away from the faucet.
The sun is suddenly out and I know I can get in 10 minutes of sunbathing. I go to the bathroom and look for suntan oil. Needing help, "Tito what can I use to burn fast?"
"Baby Oil!" He screams out.
A bottle is right in front of me, in my bikini top and too short shorts that I only use to clean because I barely fit in them and now they are like bikini bottoms, I begin to slather on baby oil, then he chimes in. "Don't use baby oil, it will give you skin cancer!"
I continue to rub it in like a Thanksgiving turkey ready to go into broil. He sees the baby oil. "You better take that off, if skin cancer doesn't kill you I will, take it off."
I found some suntan oil with a koala on it, seems safe. I spritz a little on, I am already slick in oil like a porn star, but not really. I show him the bottle and prance out.
I stay far from the boys, over by the area where my mother in law gardens, mounds of dirt and garden tools are all over the place, I adjust the Disney towel and lay down, praying for the sun to stay with me and not hide behind the clouds.
After 3 minutes (I know this because only half of the cigarette was smoked) I am ambushed by what felt like a dump truck. I open my eyes and wipe out the dirt. Standing there babbling about God knows what is Mike D, shovel in hand going back to the dirt. I get up and stumble, trying to walk backwards, the sun has me disoriented, almost like a brief dementia moment.
I see him smiling at me and point and babble some more. I have dirt on my face, chest, neck, stomach, an entire shovel full must have flown onto my body, now I felt more like chicken Parmesan. The baby oil only made it impossible to come off. I run and just want to scream, Mike D is now back to the silly water hose.
I wipe as much as I can off and knock on the door like the police. Tito just smiles, I simply say "Mike D, shovel, dirt!" His smirk is only wider.
Before going in I do what I consider jumping jacks to get off the excess dirt, Mike D walks in behind me, Diego runs to the bathroom, he is freezing from the air conditioning. I get Mike D naked and put on a diaper, his bath will wait, and he couldn't care less.
Me and Diego fight in the shower, both of us wanting to get out quickly, and suddenly there is a slamming on the bathtub, Mike D has the remote control in hand and just says "Baba Baba" He wants Yo Gabba Gabba, and I know I will slip and fall in the living room since I am slicked in oil and soaped up. I push a button and pretend to change the channel trying to trick him, he goes to the tv and comes back screaming, he has been fooled and this is the game we play until I can get out and give him DJ Lance Rock and the sex toys.
And let's not forget the Fruity Pebbles, yes! poured it all over the place, my house is his play ground, all over the table, chair and floor, another cereal sandbox. In the end I am still fluorescent white and just spent the day picking up after Mike D and his shenanigans. And how was your day?
Diego is the adjuster of the water pressure, from the kitchen window I see him take off the water, Mike D looks into the hose, Diego blasts it full force, instant screaming with a tantrum to boot, Diego is laughing his buttocks off. I knock on the window and scream obscenities, he can't hear me, but he can see the rage, he smiles and steps away from the faucet.
The sun is suddenly out and I know I can get in 10 minutes of sunbathing. I go to the bathroom and look for suntan oil. Needing help, "Tito what can I use to burn fast?"
"Baby Oil!" He screams out.
A bottle is right in front of me, in my bikini top and too short shorts that I only use to clean because I barely fit in them and now they are like bikini bottoms, I begin to slather on baby oil, then he chimes in. "Don't use baby oil, it will give you skin cancer!"
I continue to rub it in like a Thanksgiving turkey ready to go into broil. He sees the baby oil. "You better take that off, if skin cancer doesn't kill you I will, take it off."
I found some suntan oil with a koala on it, seems safe. I spritz a little on, I am already slick in oil like a porn star, but not really. I show him the bottle and prance out.
I stay far from the boys, over by the area where my mother in law gardens, mounds of dirt and garden tools are all over the place, I adjust the Disney towel and lay down, praying for the sun to stay with me and not hide behind the clouds.
After 3 minutes (I know this because only half of the cigarette was smoked) I am ambushed by what felt like a dump truck. I open my eyes and wipe out the dirt. Standing there babbling about God knows what is Mike D, shovel in hand going back to the dirt. I get up and stumble, trying to walk backwards, the sun has me disoriented, almost like a brief dementia moment.
I see him smiling at me and point and babble some more. I have dirt on my face, chest, neck, stomach, an entire shovel full must have flown onto my body, now I felt more like chicken Parmesan. The baby oil only made it impossible to come off. I run and just want to scream, Mike D is now back to the silly water hose.
I wipe as much as I can off and knock on the door like the police. Tito just smiles, I simply say "Mike D, shovel, dirt!" His smirk is only wider.
Before going in I do what I consider jumping jacks to get off the excess dirt, Mike D walks in behind me, Diego runs to the bathroom, he is freezing from the air conditioning. I get Mike D naked and put on a diaper, his bath will wait, and he couldn't care less.
Me and Diego fight in the shower, both of us wanting to get out quickly, and suddenly there is a slamming on the bathtub, Mike D has the remote control in hand and just says "Baba Baba" He wants Yo Gabba Gabba, and I know I will slip and fall in the living room since I am slicked in oil and soaped up. I push a button and pretend to change the channel trying to trick him, he goes to the tv and comes back screaming, he has been fooled and this is the game we play until I can get out and give him DJ Lance Rock and the sex toys.
And let's not forget the Fruity Pebbles, yes! poured it all over the place, my house is his play ground, all over the table, chair and floor, another cereal sandbox. In the end I am still fluorescent white and just spent the day picking up after Mike D and his shenanigans. And how was your day?
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