One Minute

Months ago, daycare was considered a four-letter word within the vicinity of my 2 year old and his caregivers, Thing 1 and Thing 2. That all has changed. It only took a minute.
Whenever the caller ID on my cell phone shows that the call is coming from my mother's house, the Psycho music should begin to play, there is hardly ever anything good coming out of those calls.
"Oh my God, only one minute, just one minute. I went to pee and he disappeared."
I can only assume she is talking about Mike D, she wouldn't be this concerned over my father's disappearance. At this point I can only wonder if she has called me with his reappearance or if I must call in the swat team.
"Did you find him?"
"He was in the middle of the street, yes I found him. He was in the kitchen with me, I went to pee and went back to the kitchen and he was gone. He closed the door and I didn't even notice, then I started looking and he was there."
"He's ok, it's ok." That little shit!
"I can't do this. I have to cook for your dad by the time he leaves at 2 pm, I have to clean, I can't keep him, he is too much." Her voice was shaky and I could hear her eyes swelling. Mike D has put us through alot, from the moment he was conceived.
"He walked out the door and all you see is the little turd in the middle of the street with that damn red ball, it's bigger than he is. In the middle of the street!"
She kept apologizing and there really was no need, I knew this was coming.
"Mom, I can get him in a daycare, it's ok. Call the neighbor lady, see if she can squeeze him in."
Later that day, when I walked into my mother's back porch, it looked like there was an intervention ready to commence.
My mother in law sat on the palm tree couch, my mother paced. She has been in the process of chain-calling potential daycares and both had been chain-smoking. Mike D was emptying the drawers of bras and panties, the cost of silence.
They went back and forth, exchanging horror stories and trying to figure out who could watch him what hours, there was no happy medium, they both had upcoming visits to the doctors and dentists, and trips to the casino. I sat there as a spectator. If I could only pack the kids and move everyone to Alaska, this would be pointless.
The phone rang and my mother looked up at me, "It's her."
I looked to my mother in law, "Who is her?"
"Lady watch Mikey, no good, no good."
"No good for who? You, me or her?"
"I watch Mikey, she no watch Mikey good, he very different."
"He isn't retarded and he isn't a prodigy, he is what they call ADHD or exceptionally spoiled."
My mom was pacing in the yard, smoking like she needed to catch up to the little Korean chimney. She hung up the phone and walked in.
"She needs to meet you and him. She can have up to 6 children, she has 5, she sounds promising. I think we are gonna like her." She smiled, I smiled. Then my mother in law chimed in.
"She stupid, how she watch 6 kids, she no watch Mikey, no good." My mother in law was already becoming the brick ball, there was a battle brewing. "He bad boy."
"You can't tell her that, we are all going to go and the day we get there and he is outside with the keys to the house, smoking a cigar, that will be the day we pull him." My mother was not playing games. "He is a curious little boy, who needs to play and be social with other kids.
"She doesn't need to know we are sending over a monster, we will just scare her, and then she will reject him. He is too young rejection, you just sit there and smile." My mother said this and glared at my mother in law.
"We are all going?" I asked.
"All of us, now time to get Mikey decent looking." She picked up the child rummaging in the undergarments and came out with a polite looking toddler, free of dirt and the waves in his hair somewhat controlled, now if only she bought it.
We all jumped in the car and headed for the daycare.