Mothers

All the mothers in my life are competing to see which one pushes me over the edge first, my mother and mother in law (MIL) are tied in first place. My shit list is very long with lots of names, but my mother, grandmother and mother in law are engraved at the top and sometimes I just carve into their names a little deeper.
This morning my mother called my MIL and MIL and baby were sleeping, that was her first and only call. My MIL is far too proud to call and ask for help, so my mother was home waiting for the call and my MIL was going bananas with Mike D waiting for the pick up. They have the communication skills of a mime that flunked the mime school academy. My mother called me at work to see how the baby was. Hello I am at work, she knows that my MIL does not pick up the phone, she is cellularly challenged and my mother who lives 3 minutes away can't make the drive because she is too busy cleaning the house she just cleaned yesterday, (see manic) knowing that MIL has no car and is stranded with the monster. I know my mother is calling the bluff, because she knew at midnight he was still awake and running strong. Calling at 8 AM is just stupid, he isn't going to be awake, he doesn't function like that. She made the initial call and is now done, ball in the other ding bat's court.
On the drive home, I am stuck in traffic and pass 2 accidents, the streets are slick and driving is dangerous. I go slow as I text, check facebook and call my mom, she doesn't pick up. I call my sisters, they tell me that Mike D isn't there. The last time I spoke to my mother was at lunch, they just verified for me that she has not made any contact with my MIL.
I walk through the door of the house, I still smell burn rice, (who ever said cooking is easy is wrong, I followed the directions to the teaspoon, and the shit still charcoled the pan) I also notice a sense of peace. Diego is playing with his Mc D toy and the tvs are all off, "Diego, where is Mike D?"
"Don't know, don't care." Our little Mike D has ripped the tv from the wall in Diego's room again, and Diego wants nothing more than a one way ticket for him to my mother's.
I pick up the phone and call MIL, "He is sleeping, he just fell asleep, he wake up at 9PM, then you take him to your mom's."
"He fell asleep at 6, it's 6:15?"
"Yes, I go to sleep too, I take him later."
Will you put down the fucking pipe and realize what you are saying! This child went to sleep well past midnight, she told me she would put him right to bed, but the paper thin walls had me dreaming of Yo Gabba Gabba and the orange disco freak, with Mike D's shrieks of play time. I know she didn't put him to sleep, she turned on the lights and raved till morning.
My husband asks for one thing and one thing only, do not let him nap after 5 pm, although he is at work, I believe this law should be implemented throughout all of the world. It just isn't good to nap from 6-9 pm, all it does it turn him into a living gremlin come midnight.
I know that my mother is over the baby, he is two now, way past her threshold of baby loving. She still loves him, but she used to pick him up and spend the night if she had to just to coddle with him, he won't stand for that now, too busy getting into every nook and cranny at his eye level. And it used to be my grandmother put him to sleep all the time, never my mother, since my grandmother moved out, she won't leave the house except for cigarettes, wally world, or the casino. There you go, leaving my mother to deal with him at nap time, knowing he won't do it without her has permanently enlisted her on my shit list. She doesn't pick up the phone to call me, so she is now in third place. I call her, but always have to listen to tears and the fact that she is going to die tomorrow. (She has been dying for ten years now, the reality is she is going to outlive me.)
I nervously call my mother to tell her that Mike D is sleeping, but I fail to tell her that he just fell asleep. She tells me not to worry the moment he wakes up to take him on over, so once he comes through the door, we are off to the batmobile.
I can only hope that she has had so much coffee that when he does fall asleep at 2 am she isn't entirely exhausted. I have to wake up at 6 am, keeping him would make me a walking zombie at work. Somehow I must break this cycle that they have created to do nothing but fight over who does the grandmothering better.
My MIL believes that he should sleep when he likes, no matter the hours and lets him do literally anything he wants, my mother is almost the same, but she kind of tries, although she lets him walk around the backyard barefoot, ala britney, and leaves him on his own for her every 15 minutes smoke break. I must go to work and make ends meet, while maintaining my sanity with these two manipulating succubuses.