Taking a break

Last night while waiting for the fireworks my mom called "How is the baby?", I reply "Fine, he is asleep." Ten minutes later she called back, "I just want to know how the baby is?" She just called for the same thing, I am tempted to tell her I let him loose on Columbus Drive to play with speeding cars. But I know this will only cause her to lash out at me for my relentless sarcasm, so instead I say, "He is just like he was five minutes ago, he hasn't moved? Did you think he would just get up and start his tyranny?" "Look, I want to go get him, why can't you bring him to me?" "Mom, he is asleep, he is fine, I will just put him to bed when I get home, he will be fine."
When I woke up this morning it was to a little korean woman slamming the door, mike d piggy back on her, the stallion has arrived. Mike D drops to the floor and climbs into bed, I carry him off to the living room. The Nickelodeon marathon begins once again. I remember my mom's relentless calling and decide she is due her time with him, it's been a couple of days and she will call me until I drop him off. I start the coffee and strap Mike D into the car, when I get to my mom's I notice all the lights are still off, the curtains still shut. I climb out of the car and peer into the window panel on the door. Nothing, the house is dark and still, I look to the right to Mara's room and bravely walk over the dirt filled with ant hills. It's like walking on a ledge and doesn't take much time to disturb one, I scream and run back on the porch, my shoes are muddy and now so is the porch, my footsteps are a new decoration. I quickly grab the door mat and start to fan the mud away, this isn't my best idea, there is wet sand everywhere, with my bare feet I try to clean up the mess.
The door opens and my sister appears, "Are yall awake?", "Just me." Mara says, no reason to disturb the peace here, I hop back into the car and head back home.
My husband is still asleep, I walk up to his side of the bed and contemplate on what his reaction would be if I were to pop him on the head with a frying pan, not good I think, I lean over and give him a kiss and plop my fat ass back on the sofa, watching mike d spin in circles waiting for him to fall.
Minutes later my husband walks in and we both are having coffee watching mike d run around the house, it's like a roomba on crack, he speeds in and out of the bedrooms stopping for seconds to watch his tv show then back in full gear disappearing and reappearing. My husband gets ready to go to work, I follow knowing this is the only adult conversation I will have until 11 pm tonight, he grabs his clothes and tosses the hanger on the bed, I grab it with rage and tell him if he weren't in the room the socks would go back in the drawer, he scowls at me, "I was gonna put em back." I retort "Oh, of all of the days in the year today is the day." I grab the clothes, back they go to the closet, I grab the pjs "Here let me do it your way." I bundle all his clothes into a ball and stuff them in the drawer, walking out I butt him on the side and knock him into the bed. Walking away without turning around.
The tv is still on cartoons, he asks me to change it, I look around the living room, the remote is no where to be found, "Hold on, let me just pull it out of my ass." I continue to read the newspaper and cover my laughter. "So is that where everything ends up." If he can't find it, how does he think I will, for some reason I have a power to locate items that are missing. I must have the seventh sense or something and I don't know how to use it. I must have my wires crossed, wonder why?
My mother calls to see how the baby is, "Mom, he is fine, I am cleaning and he is somewhere around here."
"Yeah, I am cleaning too and maybe you can bring him later." It's Sunday, she knows that I have no car, she also knows that dropping him off is difficult, when she comes by the house to visit he clings to her like a wet cat. I live 3 minutes away, but this is always a challenge. "Mom, I am cleaning too with mike d."
"Well at least you have your mother in law there to help you." I shake the phone, did I hear her right? Did she just tell me that my mother in law helps, should I ask her to repeat herself?
"Yes, I do have her help, I will talk to you later, bye." And that was that, did I really need to tell her how she had me rub I-smell-like-an-old-fart Ben Gay all over her during breakfast so that my hands would smell like old people, or how she fell asleep on the sofa watching korean novellas as I cleaned up the kitchen mess. No need to tell her, she would just up her position of woes-me up a notch, trying to manipulate my feelings, I know damn well she wouldn't survive five minutes in this hell hole.
For now, my cleaning has taken a back seat, I do not give a shit about the chores, this is my day off and my challenge is to spend as much time as possible doing nothing but sitting and breathing, stopping only to change the channel from Nickelodeon to Disney.